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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

266 replies

HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 21:50

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 08:27

I was thinking that I may pop into the office unawares when I take DD to creche (she goes to the creche on the sight of his office, only once a week) and see if I can pick up on anything.

I feel better after getting it all off my chest yesterday TBH.

I was thinking about it last night and he doesn't hide his phone, I wonder if that could be a significant thing.

I mean if he is getting ribbing from the guys at work because of some flirting why would he keep that from me. I have never given him cause to worry about me going off the deep end with regards to flirting.
Maybe it is nothing and he doesn't think to say something about it and I am picking up on the low level flirting going on.

Oh I don't know it is very confusing.

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HappyWoman · 21/09/2008 11:36

Sorry huge alam bells ringing for me too.

I could have written this post 2 years ago!!

Confronting will not work ime - he will lie and lie and make you out to be mad.

My h even suggested i go and talk to ow - . And started 'helping' me feel less paranoid - because that is what we decided it was . By the end i was feeling so crap and low about my self it was no wonder he found someone else anyway - but i think this was all a ploy too.

We continued talking about it until i did catch him but it was bloody hard work.

Even with the evidence there can usually be an innoccent answer but please go with your gut feel.

If you ask him - he will just get better and better at hiding it anyway.

But then i would have to tell him becasue i am crap at hiding my feelings anyway.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 11:54

Thanks for your replies.

I am now flitting between complete and utter sickness feelings to feeling that he would never do that to me. My head is all over the place.

I cannot bear the thought of being with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I cannot bear the thought of him staying with me only because of DD. I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me not because he feels he has to be with me IYSWIM.

I would rather us split if this is the case. I would never stop or hinder DD's and DH's relationship and he knows that. If anything I would do my utmost to make their relationship work and happen.

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ivykaty44 · 21/09/2008 12:00

You do not sound like a bitch, please don't even think that. You sound like a person that knows their own mind and that is rare.

In your postion I would keep your mouth closed and watch, slowly and with a little bit of patients you will see what is really going on.

I think one of the worse things with an affair is the lies, if you can control yourself until you really do know one way or the other whether he is playing around then it will be less stressful for you than if he is confronted and lies, it is pure mind games the lies and of the two far more stressful.

I wouldn't pop in to see the dynamics in the office - I wouldn't do anything that is out of the norm. Otherwise they may start to hide things more and more, the old saying goes give them enough rope and they will hang themselves. Do that and be normal as you possibly can.

take care of yourself

Ohforfoxsake · 21/09/2008 12:03

Could you post something 'jokey' on her facebook, like 'oi! thats my husband '?

I have been here more times than I care to think about. I have kept a journal because I sit and brood and feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I don't think it would be an end to us, I look at why he would do it and work a bit harder at our relationship. I could get him to Relate and we could thrash it out and build a better future together. Or I think how could he soil our perfect family, he doesn't deserve us. But can I bear the thought of sharing my children over Christmas, or having another woman take care of them every other weekend?

I think men look for attention elsewhere, I think they enjoy it, but I don't think that necessarily mean its an affair. Inappropriate, yes, but infidelity? My situation is very different to yours in many ways, but I know exactly how you feel.

These things always come out eventually. If you can try to manage your anxiety about it, so it doesn't eat you up, it will help. But then, if it is really getting to you, you can't go on like this and will need to do something more drastic.

Your relationship sounds as though it has been solid for a long, long time. Don't let go of that.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 12:07

Ivy, I used to pop into the office while I was pg, but your right I suppose now it would look out of the norm if I was to do that.

Other than sitting back and watching things though I cannot think how I am going to be able to get the confirmation/evidence that is needed for me to basically confront him on this.

I can keep my cool for as long as I need and act as if nothing is wrong, I have done that all my life with my family, it comes easy. But I NEED to know one way or another. My desire to know if he is or isn't is very strong.

I don't know what to do. it seems as if he isn't as he is not hiding his phone, he doesn't go out excesively (SP?). It has all been little things that have made me sit up and think something is wrong.

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Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 12:12

fox, our relationship has been solid for a long time and for all intents and purposes it still is. I however would not be able to stay with him if he broke our trust. I could forgive him and get on with my life but I would never trust him again with my feelings.

I am the sort of person who cannot be with someone I don't trust. I know it sounds drastic but I wouldn't settle easy in a relationship after that. I would be misrable.

I am going to have to talk to him sooner or later, I just want the facts/evidence etc before I do so. that way I/we can begin to deal with it.

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Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 12:13

I like your jokey idea re the facebook thing though, I think I will do that in a having a laugh sort of way, thanks.

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 21/09/2008 12:13

yes, keep it light and see what happens.

I wish you well.

Ohforfoxsake · 21/09/2008 12:13

but something might not be wrong.

Can you and he talk? Could you broach the subject of your worries in terms of your relationship? Like you said last night, you've noticed something isn't right, what's up?

Our LO is 14 months and our relationship is only just now coming into focus again.

foxinsocks · 21/09/2008 12:15

it could be the novelty of being in an office - if he hasn't worked in one before

I think you have to speak to him. he may have done absolutely nothing (yet) and a chat with you about intimacy and what's up might be just what he needs.

I don't think now is the time to try and arm yourself with the facts or do snooping. I think you need to speak to him first because once you've started snooping, I think you cross a line iyswim.

Ohforfoxsake · 21/09/2008 12:15

Good luck, I really hope you are wrong (and I mean that in the nicest way )

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 12:21

I really hope I am wrong also

How can I go about broaching this with him. Should i do it from the lack of intimacy side or should I just come out with it and say I am worried about him and his feelings towards X.

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debzmb62 · 21/09/2008 12:22

messages on phones can be wiped /can be under a different name ! also like my freinds oh got found out when she actually found another phone !! sorry i'd hate to be in you postion ! i'd have to face it if nothing is going on and your relationship is strong you will get through it but if in all honesty if something is going on your young you have your dd you can't either way go on letting you feel this way can you ! it would drive me stir crazy ! tc

debzmb62 · 21/09/2008 12:26

maybe ask him if something is wrong and say how you feel ie he is not the same as he was etc they him you feel he does'nt want to be with you he must know your feeling low and your on AD

Ohforfoxsake · 21/09/2008 12:45

Yes, do it from the POV that you are concerned for your relationship. Don't mention her, that suggests your lack of trust, and puts him on the defensive immediately.

And you are concerned for your relationship. You might find if you get that sorted, your fears will fade.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 17:23

Thanks I will try to talk to him tomorrow about our relationship. I just really hope that I am wrong.

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CarGirl · 21/09/2008 17:36

Why don't you ask him if he just has a crush on x or has it become more? Tell him you know that there is something going on and you need to how far it has gone already?

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 17:40

I wish I had the guts to do that cargirl.

TBH I honestly think he doesn't love me anymore

OP posts:
CarGirl · 21/09/2008 17:42

Why do you think he doesn't love you anymore?

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 17:58

Because it feels like I am living with my brother.

DH doesn't come near me unless I ask for a cuddle or a kiss or something and then only because he feels like her has to.

I can see it in his eyes. I am devastated.

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Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 18:01

I want to get away, I need some time to myself to think things through and to decide what I want to do.

Is that bad, am I over reacting? Should I put up and shut up.

God I am such a mess.

It would be better for all if I fucked off for good, he wouldn't miss me.

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CarGirl · 21/09/2008 18:01

I think you need to name the elephant in your relationship.

"You clearly don't feel the same way about me anymore, is it over?"

How long can you stay in the relationship if you are convinced he no longer loves you and are devasted by it? It seems like if he is having an affair it's almost a side issue?

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 18:05

God you are right cargirl, it is a side issue. I cant be with him like this. A depressive mist has desended today I feel dark and helpless. I need help, I need someone to take my hand and guide me.

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Anifrangapani · 21/09/2008 18:06

I would deal with the lack of love before the "is he having and affair". The latter will just get him all defensive.