How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

[HelpMNINeedYou]

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

And now I think about it more, he never did address the issue of me feeling unloved and left out. I can see now on some reflection that the conversation we had last night was quite one sided and selfish on his part.

He isn't usually like that, well this isn't the DH I met all those years ago and then married, he is like a different person now.
I'm sure I am also different but I am still the same basic me, just not as 'mindfull' (for want of a better word) of him as I have a very wilfull 10mo DD to contend with.

good luck- hope you do get to the bottom of it all and you can work on your relationship.

I would echo what others have said about not giving up college. If he's feelinf neglected then he needs to put some effort in as well.

You've said you're shy, but why not arrange to meet some people off the course one night. That way he would see what it's like to be sat on your own of an evening.

I've recently become a sahm, and although dh does work long hours, to be sat on my own all day and then all evening too while he was out doing his hobbies, would be so lonely.

TBH his new family should be his main hobby now.

So he does 5 activities a week??

He needs to cut down. The money saved can be used to pay for a baby sitter so you can go out and spend some time together.

Message withdrawn

I am more than happy for him to do his hobbies every week, but not happy for him to say that I am pushing/leaving him out if he is not prepared to sacrafice something.

I will do everything in my power to make things better between us, but it isn't all down to me, he needs to work at it also.

I think I am going to ask mum to have DD for a couple of hours on Saturday daytime for DH and I to sit down and begin to start working things out, like an action plan. I know it sounds a bit formal but I think this is what is needed between us.

so, he does karate three times a week, piano and guitar one night each a week and out for a drink with his friends once a week, and you're the one that is pushing him out?

Tbh I think men feeling pushed out after the arrival of a baby is not uncommon, often they can find it hard to not be the centre of your world. However, it takes two to make a marriage work, and by him being out 6 out of 7 nights and refusing to get a babysitter so you can spend time together, he's not exactly showing that he wants to do his bit to get back that closeness is he? But he's already laid the foundations of guilt at your feet so that if he does go off and have an affair with this woman (if he's not already having an affair with her) he can say that he felt pushed out by you and tht you knew how he was feeling etc etc.

This is what I'd do:

For now, I wouldn't say anything about the nights he goes out. But I would arrange a babysitter say for Friday night, but don't take dd to your parents, ask if they will come to your house and sit with dd. Then book a restaurant for about 7:00, and turn up to meet him from work all dressed up, take him to a bar for a drink and then on for dinner. (obviously he must know of none of this beforehand), and then spend the evening just the two of you, catching up and trying to get back what you think has been lost since the birth of your dd.

Once he sees that it is possible to have fun away from dd, he may be more open to the idea of going out more often. You don't have to leave her over night, I didn't leave my ds overnight until he was nearly two, some parents just don't feel comfortable with that idea, but there's a difference between leaving overnight and just leaving her for a few hours.

It is important for both partners to compromise to make a marriage work, but sometimes you have to use more suttle ways to make the man compromise, such as to make him see what he is missing out on and so getting him to think for himself.

Oh and I would mention the facebook thing. presumably you have your h and this woman on your friend lists which is how you saw these updates?

Wannabe, that is a really good idea, I know mum would come here so no probs on that score. I hope he doesn't get angry with me for arranging it without him knowing.

Do you really think that an affair is possible, does it sound like I have given him a 'licence' to go ahead with an affair now that he has told me I am pushing him out.

I am really scared now.

Yes both DH and X are on facebook but DH hardly signs on TBH so I don't think he has seen the comment. That is what makes me a bit she knows I am on facebook and I can see the comments etc yet it has still happened.

ok
you worked to put him through uni

he goes out at least 4 times a week

-you can't really afford for him to do it, but he still does

you are considering giving up your ONE outlet (college)

and HE feels pushed out..?

[Hmm]

DO NOT GIVE UP COLLEGE

Get your parents in to babysit, and go out with your friends.

You may not feel like a doormat, but he is treating you like one, and you should not give up even more of yourself

Sorry,

Sorry

tbh I think people often forget who they have on facebook and forget what others can read. There is a contact on my facebook who writes very openly flertatious messages on one of his contacts' wall, and I really don't think it has ever even occurred to him that others read it, because for eg he never speaks to me on there - I am just there to make up the numbers iyswim?

No you have certainly not given him licence to have an affair. But all too often when people have affairs then when it comes to blame it's easier for them to put the blame on the other partner, ie was pushed out/neglected etc etc to justify their actions.

I'm afraid that yes I still think it's possible he could be having an affair/contemplating an affair. And given the amount of time he spends out after work he seems to have ample opportunity to have one.

How sure can you be that he goes to all these activities as often as he says he does? and does he go straight there/straight home?

I have to go out now but will come back to this later.

Facebook is going to bit a lot of people on the arse in the next couple of years. It's amusing that we are so paranoid about the ID culture and yet everyone is happy to contribute to what is, essentially, a voluntary database and a log of their activities.

Not every one. I don't do Facebook.

I mean everyone who is on it, to clarify.

Also, he has successfully thrown you off track, and made it your fault

my ex used to do that - confuse the situation so that I would not be focussed on the "is he/isn't he having an affair"

Good luck, but don't let yourself get sidetracked, and DON'T QUIT COLLEGE!!!!

Every doormat has WELCOME written on it.

Make an account of all your outgoing and incoming money - point out that you have NO SHOES and he is out most nights every week.

NO WAY do you give up college - you are lonely and need the social contact, as well as something for YOU.

You seem afraid to ask him to give up his fantastic social life - it would do HIM the power of good to see that you wish to be more equal than you are at the moment.

He is a selfish twat if you ask me. But why do we women allow this? He is playing on your insecurities, and taking you for granted.

WIthout giving too much detail away, he does x2 karate at the weekend and one in the week after work (he doesn't come home) He does his music lessons on the same day after work and goes out Friday and occasionally Saturday nights.

I'm worried now, I think I might turn up to the gym where he does karate in the week after work to see if he actually goes. God I hate not trusting him.

Don't worry I am not finishing college, I am thinking of doing a short peadiatric first aid course also which will mean that he will have to stop doing Karate in the week, seeing as he doesn't my mum to babysit DD

I think we seriously need to sit down and talk things through properly.

I want to tell him my fears about him and X but don't know if I should.

"And now I think about it more, he never did address the issue of me feeling unloved and left out. I can see now on some reflection that the conversation we had last night was quite one sided and selfish on his part."

Wasn't it? I was so at him. All he did was whinge!

And really, does he let you trawl the charity shops for shoes? While he spends £350+ a month having fun?

It is high time the wifely worm turned in this marriage!

This is not me, I have alwyas been a strong mined and willed individual, I have never been the sort of person to take crap of anyone.

When did I become such a wuss?

I love staying at home with DD, but I am the sort of person wo needs to flex my brain, I need to be in a work environment, even if it is part time. Not for the money or even the socail interation but just purely to flex my brain. This is why I started college, I forgot how easy I find it to earn new things.

I think I have become stale and that is why we have IYSWIM, DH knew me as a person who was always out and about and doing something. It's not as if I see being a SAHM as boring (cos I find it easier going out to work) but I am not a domesticated goddess and I ahve never have been. It looks more and more like I and DH have changed into people that neither of us would be attracted to if we met as starngers again IYSWIM.

Also, it's not just a time thing, it's a money thing too. He's out enjoying himself every night, and you can't even have a pair of shoes. I'd be giving him jam and toast for tea every night for a week, using the money on some shoes. When he questions it, just tell him you don't want him to give up his hobbies, but things are getting a bit tight.

I have been in the mood to go out for a while and have suggested it to DH but he wont do it with me. I am going to ask my mum to have DD tonight, DH wont be in until late and I am going to visit my best friend. She has been nagging me for a while to go round.

Bottle of wine, snacks and a girlie DVD, DH will be so shocked when he comes home.

Please take a deep breath. Nobody is saying he is having an affair. It just keeps coming up as that was in your opening post.

"Bottle of wine, snacks and a girlie DVD, DH will be so shocked when he comes home."

Oh, you go girl! I'm proud of you.

A couple of weeks of your being more independent and busy might be all this takes. Really. A little while of you drifting round the house, looking divine, ignoring him, talking on the phone to friends a lot.

"Mmm, what's that, DH? You're going out again? Fabulous, I've got X, Y and Z coming over in 10 minutes so it'll be nice to have the house to ourselves. Don't rush home. Bye!"