DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

It's all just distraction though, agree to counselling, say sorry, shed a few "so ashamed" crocodile tears...rather than simply log in to the accounts and show where the money was spent.
He hopes you'll forget with a few apologies and therapy waffle.

Three weeks after your original post and he STILL hasn't let you log onto ALL his accounts and cards and see all the transactions - every line of money in and out for at least the last three years.

He never will let you see it.
He will do everything possible to avoid that - showing you bits and pieces to try and shut you up, sitting down to do a budget for the future (but not looking at where the money went), crying, getting angry, getting sorry, starting arguments, deflecting, avoiding, promising to go to counselling - and on and on and on.
Anything and everything except actually letting you log on and see all the transactions for yourself.

This relationship is dead. It is just a matter of how and when you want to end it.

Didn’t realise she still hasn’t seen the accounts. Would be minimal effort regardless of shame but he would rather do all of this to avoid that at all costs. I’m sorry but I stand by what I said, he must be hiding something concerning that’s probably carrying on wether that’s gambling or sex workers

As I’ve said before, there’s a whole host of things it could be as well as those two things. We had a neighbour who lost his house through spending all of his money on images of CSA. Not saying that obviously what’s been going on but the OP still doesn’t know where the money has gone and he hasn’t even promised to tell her or to stop.

This must be eating you up Head and whatever you think of your future, I know I couldn’t lie in bed at night with a man who would let me and my DC suffer financially like that whilst he spent thousands of whatever he chooses to spend it on.

Going forward your DH is highly unlikely to be transparent about how he will be spending his money or about how much he is spending.

Anything and everything except actually letting you log on and see all the transactions for yourself.

Given that biting the bullet, coming clean and taking the consequences would be a lot less work than all the malarkey he is going through, I think this is a lot worse than he's actually letting on. it's entirely possible that the situation is so big and tangled he doesn't actually know how to unravel it.

I’ve seen a lot of them but as this issue is going back 7 years plus it would be really laborious to go through everything - I also feel like I have no drive to keep pushing to see more .
i’m at a stage where I’m distancing myself emotionally and trying to just observe his behaviour and what he does next.
some people might think why don’t I just leave him straight away but I guess their not in my shoes and I’m trying to make a decision when I’m in a calmer place not when it’s driven by anger and emotion.

You've seen the borrowing but you've not really seen the spending have you? Unless I've missed it you've not seen anything that explains where all that money, salary and borrowing on top of salary, was spent.

You're in a terrible bind, I really feel for you but at the same time don't really understand how you can progress without understanding where that money went.

Totally get that. If I was in your shoes I would do the same, IRL lots of women would. I still think there is something more but I doubt you'll find out. My friend only found the extent of her husbands debt when the taxman froze her accounts as well as her husbands. His debt was a lot bigger but they stayed together. Time will tell if you can pull through it.

Looking at it another way, he has had 7+ years to resolve his old debt issues but has made no progress. Past behaviour is best predictor of future behaviour, therefore you can expect in around a decade you are no further forward in your desire for a different home. You ok with that? I understand you need time to come to terms with this new reality and I feel for you. But please don’t just let it drift and move into a new normal where you kind of muddle along and nothing changes. Your children are relying on you. Let’s see his 5 yr and 10 yr plan to be in a different place. Do NOT contribute to paying off his debts.

Not rushing when you’re emotional is a good policy. Take time to gather your thoughts, and make a plan.

It does sound laborious but I would start with the Trading212 account. Ask for his log in details and look through all of the transactions. Even their advertisements say that 77% lose money. I’d bet if you look through those transactions there will be evidence of a lot more money going in than the £30 credit balance you saw.