How can I tell my partner I do not want more overnight stays?

[MonkeyChopsUser]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, but I’m male and mid 50s ( not that I think that matters ), my G/F is also mid 50s and a bit overweight ( her own words), generally we get along great- same outlook in life, we like the same things think the same way etc, we have been together for about 10 months now.
we tend to stay over at each other’s homes once or twice a week which works well for me- she wants us to spend more nights together- but she snores like mad , I generally don’t sleep much when we spend the night together and I have lots of early starts so often feel knackered by the early afternoons
I don’t want to upset her by saying that I don’t more overnight stays- but frankly I don’t.

I snore dreadfully, always have (at a normal weight and now overweight) and I completely get why it disturbs people. I also love my sleep, and don't like sharing a bed for other reasons.

Married couples/partners haven't always shared beds, it's a relatively recent thing (in terms of evolution) so if separate beds or rooms (depending on the issue) mean you both get a good night's sleep, then I really don't see the problem.

I would just be honest with her @MonkeyChopsUser and say that you can't cope with disrupted sleep, and that two nights of it a week is as much as you can manage - and that it has no bearing on how you feel about her, it's just a practicality.

She'll either understand or she won't...do something about it or not...but in the interim I'd definitely be looking at a good quality single futon in your other bedroom so that it's there when you need it, but rolls up out of the way when you don't.

It'd be a shame to can an otherwise good relationship over this when solutions are fairly straightforward.

Most people in their 50s snore to some extent. I would try decent loop ear plugs and if they still don't cut it, then suggest you might make a move to the spare bedroom (if you have one) if sleeping gets too difficult. It happens a lot as we get older, hopping to a different bedroom and probably more preferable than a veto on overnight stays.

@GoldenSandy You say you're unsure of the relevance of her being overweight, so I thought you might find this helpful https://www.nhs.uk/symptoms/snoring/

Being overweight commonly causes/exacerbates snoring, hence its relevance. OP is clearly happy with his partner, he's not moaning about her weight at all, he finds her attractive and enjoys her company. But he also needs sleep.

I suspect if this was a woman posting about her overweight snoring boyfriend, your reply would be different.

Is the only reason you don’t want more overnight stays the snoring ? If so this is fixable. You will need to talk to her about the snoring issue.

Sleep separately overnight. Wear earplugs.

If she asks why/what's going on, just tell her that you value undisturbed sleep at your age.

She snores. If she is not going to do anything to remedy that then do not share a bed overnight.

It doesn't have to be deep or complicated.

When we come to relationships later in life sharing a bed doesn't always work.

There's been lots of posts on MN about couples having separate bedrooms. It's something that once children have left, and there's an extra room, that many couples move to for reasons like you're stating here. If you feel comfortable in this relationship and feel it has a future, I'd be raising the issue now. It's not like you can't ever cuddle or have sex, it's just that as we get older, having a good night's sleep becomes even more important to our health and energy.
Here's one of the MN threads about this issue: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/housekeeping/5520611-separate-bedrooms-for-long-term-couple

Well, just tell her that as well! Really, as long as you stay calm and loving it's not that difficult to have these conversations. If her reactions are OTT despite this then that might be an indication you are not emotionally matched. I spent 10 years sleeping apart from my partner until he got a new, quieter CPAP machine then I moved back in. Separate beds (regardless of whether they are also separate houses!) doesn't have to indicate anything in itself about the relationship.

Because it's part of the reason she snores. It's totally relevant here.

Is there a reason you’ve mentioned she is over weight? Seems an odd thing to start off with.
Just tell her she snores and you don’t sleep well because of it, see what you can then work out between yourselves. Just be real.

Often snoring can worsen in perimenopause/menopause due to effect of loss of oestrogen on soft tissues of airway.

Is she on HRT? Not that you should suggest that!
Worth her seeing dentist to consider mandibular advancement devices if suitable or to assess if she has a narrow palate, which can lead to worsened snoring. If she genuinely is having apnoeic episodes, then she should be asking for referral to sleep clinic. OSA is associated with massively increased cardiovascular and dementia risk.

Even small amounts of weight loss can lead to huge improvements in snoring.

Can she sleep in a different room at yours?
If not and her sleeping over more is not suitable, be honest and kind and encourage her to seek help over the snoring problem. There are plenty of trained orthodontists who can perform scans and assess for oral device suitability and cpap could be an option if all else fails.

How overweight are we talking OP?

i feel if you both were close enough, you would be able have a conversation re the snoring.

Dump her and let her meet someone that actually likes her

Snoring is a real problem...and once it gets under your skin..it get's worse..for you.
You have to address it.
Tell her straight. Sleepovers aren't working

Understand that if there is no solution such as another room/surgery/lising weight...then you'll prob have to end this relationship..

OP, you need to address this head on, the longer you delay the more she thinks you/she will be sleeping over more than now.
So, kindly, say “Hey GF, I’ve mulled it over and I don’t want to change the current pattern over overnights/sleepover. I really need my sleep and currently, I’m not sleep g well when you are here or me there. So, I suggest we leave as is for now.”
If she protests, you need to be straight and say her snoring/sleep apnea is really difficult for you and you honestly need to sleep the night after a sleepover, to be a fully awake and functioning human”
She may push back so you need to stand your ground!

So, kindly, say “Hey GF, I’ve mulled it over and I don’t want to change the current pattern over overnights/sleepover. I really need my sleep and currently, I’m not sleep g well when you are here or me there. So, I suggest we leave as is for now.”

I'm not sure I understand that though, does "I suggest we leave as is" mean sleep apart in the same house, or end the relationship? Its not clear

MY DH is a trucker snorer, I sacrificed 35 years of my life (not) sleeping in the same room, as there was no alternative & to appease his ego. I still feel as if there is a deficit years later.
It improved massively when he was told by doctor he needed a CPAP machine. although he only wore it intermittently & with me forcing him.
He then had a major stoke, lost 30 kilos & mostly doesn't snore, but still needs the CPAP machine. I sleep in another room, I am finally allowed to sleep.
All this to say, living without rest is misery & you need to tell DP, that you can't sleep & it is detrimental to your work. Ask,if there's a solution ... talk it through, if not, say you can't sleep in the same room.

As others have said you need sleep buds not just plain earplugs which are rubbish. Sleep buds connect to an app so you can choose background white noise to drown it out (not Philips kokoon they're crap).

My dh snores and I know how terrible it is but buds like soundcore save my sanity.

She really needs to get a cpap machine if she has actual sleep apnoea.

She might have sleep apnea , does she stop breathing ? It's usually a partner who notices this. Tell her . If she needs a cpap machine she will stop snoring

My husband snored for over 20 years whilst overweight, it’s completely stopped now he’s slim. It’s quite common for weight gain to lead to snoring.

He's told her she doesn't seem bothered. Snorers are often a pita ime. As long as they're asleep they don't care!

She knows she’s overweight.

She knows she snores.

She knows the two are linked.

What has she done about it?

Why does it seem to be your problem to solve?

Tell her kindly but firmly that you cannot have overnights while you’re working, or ever, then leave it for her to try to fix.

A snorer who is doing whatever the GP recommends and searching for ideas is one thing, a snorer who just shrugs is entirely a different thing.

They are not her words, they are your words - as you are the one who has written she's overweight. And by mentioning it in the post from the outset there is definitely an underlying tone you are implying the weight is the problem.

OP wrote this - ”Her weight doesn’t bother me, but I know it bothers her, she admits that she is overweight and the her Dr mentions it ( as does her own mother in front of me )”

He is with her, has been with her for some time, he has eyes and I think if her weight was an issue for him he would have said, or finished it. I have been in a relationship with a snorer and it was the absolute worst. Fabulous guy but if I wanted to sleep next to something as loud as a cement digger then I’d go and find a cement digger.

Had a friend whose husband was overweight and a snorer. After 30 odd years of marriage he died. She looks so well rested now, really healthy.

Sleep apnea can cause health issues. She's mid 50s, overweight, and snores and should be checked for that. I'd bring that up with her.

If she doesn't care for her health, is she going to expect you to?