How can I tell my partner I do not want more overnight stays?

[MonkeyChopsUser]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, but I’m male and mid 50s ( not that I think that matters ), my G/F is also mid 50s and a bit overweight ( her own words), generally we get along great- same outlook in life, we like the same things think the same way etc, we have been together for about 10 months now.
we tend to stay over at each other’s homes once or twice a week which works well for me- she wants us to spend more nights together- but she snores like mad , I generally don’t sleep much when we spend the night together and I have lots of early starts so often feel knackered by the early afternoons
I don’t want to upset her by saying that I don’t more overnight stays- but frankly I don’t.

Then I think you just say, I don't want to. When she asks why, you can say, I don't get much sleep due to the snoring, so two nights of broken sleep for me is about all I can do at the moment.

And leave it at that. She will either do something about her snoring, or she won't. Time will tell, and you can make your choices accordingly.

If he was loving and caring he'd be asking how to tell her she's snoring and he's concerned about her health. Instead he's trying to shake her off.

I don’t think there’s any issue with saying you don’t sleep well when she’s there so you don’t want to increase those nights. I wear earplugs if my husband snores, but they give me really itchy ears so I’d not recommend that a solution.

Perfectly reasonable to keep things as they are.

He sounds tired to me and not willing to give up his 5 nights of good sleep. Why should he when his GF knows about her snoring and has done fuck all about it? She doesn’t give a shit about his sleep. I wouldn’t give it up.

When my DH was snoring and untreated I absolutely wouldn’t have shared a bed with him if I had a different option available. As it was he needed to wait until I’d been asleep for about an hour before he came to bed to make sure I was deeply asleep and less likely to be woken up straight away by him.

That is not fair.

You have no idea what their relationship is like.

But the man has a right to sleep.

It's been 10M. They should be at that early stage where they put up with discomfort and make do with ear defenders etc.

It was in response to the person stating they were loving and kind.

Sleep apnea causes snoring... It's wise to get tested, as I did, now I use a CPAP machine and sleep blissfully well and no snoring anymore...🙏. Your GP can refer anybody to a sleep clinic at a local hospital....Best thing I ever did...

Absolutely not. That wouldn’t be honest, and will lead to a lot of resentment. Aside from that, the GF’s sleep apnoea is a serious real actual danger to her health and staying alive. It could kill her. Every single night her brain is being deprived of oxygen for each apnoea event. That has a cumulative effect on her health. Ignoring something that will potentially kill her isn’t the way to have a good relationship.

I’m sure I’ve read this before.

You need to bring up the sleep apnoea problem again. No need yo mention weight - leave that to the GP. Every time her breathing stops she is depriving her brain of oxygen. It has serious longterm health consequences. You can also gently mention that the irregularity and the pauses mean you spend the night unable to sleep and you are then tired and grumpy at work.

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I've been with my partner for over 10 years, but we don't live together. We're both late 50s. He's slightly overweight, which probably explains why a couple of years ago he started snoring. Up till then he used to stay over one night per week.

I'm several years menopausal, but still wake in the night with hot sweats. I also usually need at least one wee in the night. And I'm a slight sleeper anyway, so the slightest noise or light wakes me. So the last thing I need is something else disturbing my sleep!

When DP started snoring, he tried those nose tape things, and I tried ear plugs, but I could still hear him. I stuck it out for a few months and then told DP that sadly I couldn't cope with the lack of sleep. I don't have a spare room. So he doesn't stay over any more. We still go on holiday together, but then sometimes I have to decamp into a spare room.

I don't know if it hurts his feelings, but ultimately he loves me and doesn't want to be responsible for depriving me of sleep. We still spend evenings together, but then go back to our respective houses.

It works for us.

Her snoring may be unconnected to her weight. My 7 stone niece snores for England.
Just say you love sharing a bed but unfortunately you are a light sleeper and her snoring keeps you awake. Say that she could find some way to reduce the volume, that's up to her, but if not you need to arrange a second bedroom when you are together.

Just be truthful, tell her you would love to have her be next to you more but you'd be a zombie if she stayed any more nights, walking around on autopilot, she needs encouraging to speak to her Dr, it isn't good that she's lacking oxygen when she's sleeping and doesn't get a good quality sleep, she must feel tired during the day, my DH has this, he would fall asleep in mid sentence, it's dangerous if she drives. It's an easy fix tho. I couldn't put up with that for 1 night a week!

Speak to her. I had this issue but never knew, obviously as nobody slept over. When I went away with a friend she (angrily) let me know! I had had a doctor and dentist already bugging me to have a sleep test and wanting to know if I snored. I did and was diagnosed with sleep apnoea. I got a sleep machine (very unsexy) but the snoring vanished.

No point making an excuse. Snoring is one thing we have no idea we do unless others tell us, so simply let her know and advise her to speak to the doctor.

How on earth would she know? I never get this. Before I was told I never knew. And the person who told me was shocked I did not know. How would I know what I am doing when I am sleeping?

You posted the very same thing a while ago.

Ah. This is a bit different but you likely just need to be brutally honest. Just say her snoring keeps you awake. Say what you have done here. You cannot sleep there more as you need sleep. Say you would love to spend more time there (assuming you do) but she needs to seek medical help first.

Also maybe frame it as concern for her too. When my Dr/Dentist pushed me me for the sleep test they also pointed out the stress on the body from the condition, that it may increase my risk of heart conditions, day time tiredness and the issue with that and so forth. It's not merely an annoyance for partners (I was single at the time) but a real health concern.

You don't even need to mention her weight. While weight is a huge driver it's not the only one. I have massive tonsils which is the main driver for me.

Well you've extrapolated a lot from that brief initial post haven't you?

If it is in relation to snoring then unfortunately losing weight apparently doesn’t help. Once a snorer from weight gain always a snorer. OP I’d feel the same, no way I could tolerate that. Just be honest! Say it with kindness. However, I also wonder what does it say about your future together, is this a partial excuse for not moving in together and keeping it more casual? Maybe I’m reading too much into this.

If women can say it point blank to a man you should do the same, get to the point tell her truth its because she snores to loud.

I assume because else posters would say it’s a medical condition and there’d be numerous posts about her getting checked by the GP.

It’s her weight that causes the snoring.
If she went to the GP then they’ll just tell her to lose weight.

It just saves time giving the background in the OP.

Get her to try mouth tape, I snore and it works for me!