How can I tell my partner I do not want more overnight stays?

[MonkeyChopsUser]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, but I’m male and mid 50s ( not that I think that matters ), my G/F is also mid 50s and a bit overweight ( her own words), generally we get along great- same outlook in life, we like the same things think the same way etc, we have been together for about 10 months now.
we tend to stay over at each other’s homes once or twice a week which works well for me- she wants us to spend more nights together- but she snores like mad , I generally don’t sleep much when we spend the night together and I have lots of early starts so often feel knackered by the early afternoons
I don’t want to upset her by saying that I don’t more overnight stays- but frankly I don’t.

But in your OP you said you wanted to tell her you wanted no more overnight stays -- don't you think that would 'derail the relationship' far more than suggesting separate rooms? I mean, do you actually want this relationship to continue or not? It really isn't clear from your posts. It's fine if you don't obviously, but you need to know your own mind.

Tell her straight, as I do DH when he does. If it’s really bad I sleep in another room.

Can you put her in a different room? If you want this relationship to continue - because otherwise she might think you are dumping her. Like tell her - you snore - I can't, I just can't - but you are welcome to stay in a different room?

If this relationship us going to continue, you obviously need to talk to her and after being together 10 months, you should be able to.
Just tell her you can't stay over more (or she can't), because you just no longer sleep well in the same bed as someone else and you really don't do well on lack of sleep.

To be honest, she will be hurt. You've been together 10 months and haven't mentioned it is an issue for you.

Her weight doesn’t bother me, but I know it bothers her, she admits that she is overweight and the her Dr mentions it ( as does her own mother in front of me )

if she was 7 stone and snored it would still be an issue.

Come on @MonkeyChopsUser, it’s not that difficult.

‘doreen, I absolutely love spending time with you and really enjoy it when you stay over…but your snoring means I’m knackered and the ear plugs aren’t working. Do you think there’s anything you can do to manage it, as would be great to spend more nights together but can’t at the moment’

You don’t need to mention her weight, her sleep apnoea or anything else. Just tell her you can’t spend more time with her due to snoring and then it’s up to her to decide if she wants to do anything about it!

Have you tried QuietOn earplugs? Weirdly comfy and some sort of brain-programming witchcraft 'deletes' the snoring. Saved my marriage.

But no, you are being perfectly sensible!

I'd talk to her about the snoring. My partner even recorded me snoring so I knew how loud it was! But the 50's is also peak peri/menopause and what most people don't know is that low estrogen can cause histamine issues. All my allergies got worse at this time and I started snoring but when I went on HRT all that stopped. Have the HRT conversation.

Doesn't mean you then sleep together more but at least you'll be comfortable when you do.

I am seeing someone who snores but I have a spare room. Is there a comfortable sofa you could use if you don't want to upset her?

FWIW the worst snorer I knew was slim and fit as a lop. It isn't always weight-related.

FWIW

Thanks will look at that

I ended a relationship because of this.

Well it was more due to the reaction to me bringing it up really.

He was adamant it was not a problem, and therefore did nothing about it.
I would go and sleep on the sofa if he did stay over. If he woke in the morning first and saw me there, he got rather offended.

So I ended it.

It was not going anywhere and I have come too far in life to have sleepless nights because of someone else disturbing me and not taking any responsibility for it.

So you will have to chat about it of course, but the same applies. Her reaction to you telling her you cannot sleep with that racket.

Have you tried speaking to her about the snoring and the disruption it causes to your sleep? I totally get the frustration and your reluctance to want to sleep next to her - lying next to someone snoring is utterly infuriating.

At the same time, though, if she’s unaware of how bad her snoring is and how it’s impacting you, it would be a bit unfair if you don’t give her a chance to resolve it.

My ex snored like a freight train, would then get annoyed when I nudged him to roll over or when I slept in another room because “it gave him a complex”, but he also wouldn’t see a doctor about it and expected me to be the one to wear ear plugs. I found that especially ridiculous since he was the one snoring and I had to be the one to find a solution.

It can cause high blood pressure which can obviously lead to other health problems so I would again try to gentle raise it as it really needs addressing. You aren’t having a dig just saying a fact and expressing a concern for her health. But if she’s still unwilling to seek any help she needs to accept it may mean loose you staying over so often. (I don’t mean that in an ultimatum way just a fact that you are struggling to get a good sleep at hers).

Because it's relevant.

I completely agree with this. People will think that snoring is such a minor thing to end a relationship over, but it’s absolutely horrendous to listen to and lack of sleep or broken sleep is really bad for our health, so it’s not a minor reason at all.

It played a part in me ending my relationship because, as you say, it’s the reaction from their side when you ask them to do something about it that shows an ingrained selfishness and lack of consideration for the issue they’re causing.

You just need to speak to her about it.

Tell her that you cannot sleep and suggest that you both go to bed much earlier, have sex and cuddle up but then leave by X time so you can get home and get to sleep at a decent hour.

I can’t think of an alternative solution if neither of you have a spare bedroom.

Get her to go to her GP for a referral to a sleep clinic. If you can, record her snoring and pausing in breathing. I did this for my dh, who has had a snoring problem and sleep apnoea all the time I have known him (not overweight) and he was given a CPAP machine which, overnight, cured his problems and meant I could share a bed with him again. And more to the point, has improved his quality of sleep and consequently his overall health. Nothing else worked. He tried nasal clips, had an operation even. The CPAP machine works wonders.

I have snored all my life, it's a nightmare and my children and partner comment on it.

I suggest you are honest with her, don't hope she will get the message by just slinking off- say the truth which is I love being with you, but the snoring is a bit much. Make it a 'together' problem to solve, by her going to the GP, get some amazing ear plugs, trying different things, and sleeping apart/going home if necessary.

You sound very lacklustre about the relationship though, do you like her?

I also don't know why you are going on about her weight, weight is linked to snoring, but by middle-age, more thatn 50% of the population is snoring heavily (and overweight) so unless you want a guaranteed thin non-snoring partner, which are like gold dust over a certain age, this is something we all have to live with.

What you're saying is not bad, it's just the truth. Her snoring keeps you up which means you wake up tired.

If she gets offended at that, then she's not the right person for you.

Don't sleepwalk (no pun intended) into a bad relationship.

I wasn't sure why you mentioned her weight. Is it because it's related to her snoring?

Just be honest and say "I love spending time with you and I enjoy when we sleep over but I can't sleep well because you're a loud snorer".

Have you tried earplugs? If you stay over are you able to sleep in another room (not ideal)?

Is she aware that she's a loud snorer? Perhaps she always has been and is aware?

I know they can’t help it but it’s when they protest at separate bedrooms that gets annoying.

I am unsure the relevance of her being overweight?
You have come on here as a man to a women's forum to tell us as an aside that your girlfriend is overweight and that you don't really want to progress your relationship.

Let her go so she can find someone who loves her lumps and all, who will wear earplugs if she snores.

Talk to her calmly about the snoring and sleep apnoea when you’re both calm. Express how her snoring is loud and constantly disrupts your sleep despite earplugs. Tell her that she often stops breathing. That’s dangerous for her health and life. Sleep apnoea is a serious health issue. Ask her to go to her GP about a sleep study referral.

I’m a woman and I snore badly and have severe sleep apnoea. I use a CPAP machine. My DH snores horrendously loudly and has sleep apnoea. He uses a CPAP machine too.

If she continues to brush you off then record her. While you’re lying there awake cursing her snoring grab your phone and hit record. Get a few minutes of snoring. In the morning play it back to her. If necessary don’t even tell her what it is and just start playing it. When she asks what the fucking horrible noise is, tell her that it’s her. She’ll likely be angry but hopefully she’ll understand just how fucking horrible her snoring is.

If you have to, play it while she’s trying to fall asleep. Point out how hard the noise makes sleeping.

I don’t play when it comes to snoring. I fucking hate it and I really hate selfish arseholes who do nothing to deal with their snoring and the effect it has on the people around them. My DH’s snoring woke me up multiple times each night, and he wondered why I’d be tired and pissed off each morning. I recorded him. Played it back to him. He did a sleep study shortly after that.

Earplugs don’t help when the snoring vibrates through the mattress and up to your pillow. When you can feel the mattress shake from the snoring and you feel the snoring through your whole body. Anyway, sleep apnoea is increasing her risk of a heart attack, early death or a car accident from falling asleep behind the wheel. Ignoring that real risk to her life wouldn’t be the action of a loving and caring partner.