How can I tell my partner I do not want more overnight stays?

[MonkeyChopsUser]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, but I’m male and mid 50s ( not that I think that matters ), my G/F is also mid 50s and a bit overweight ( her own words), generally we get along great- same outlook in life, we like the same things think the same way etc, we have been together for about 10 months now.
we tend to stay over at each other’s homes once or twice a week which works well for me- she wants us to spend more nights together- but she snores like mad , I generally don’t sleep much when we spend the night together and I have lots of early starts so often feel knackered by the early afternoons
I don’t want to upset her by saying that I don’t more overnight stays- but frankly I don’t.

Maybe the snoring is too loud for ear plugs - which some snoring is.

Maybe they don't have a spare room?

There's very little information to go on here but people are jumping to conclusions. The OP is worried about whether to speak to his partner about this and I think just wants reassurance that it's ok to do that?

not really, I’m 2 years post split and in a 2 bed, on is my room - the other is my home office
she is in a 3 bed with one teenager ,her other child is a young adult at uni,
she is 3 years separated and getting divorced- so is probably going to have to go down to a 2 bed as part of the financial deal

If she’s a bit overweight and snores she could have sleep apnea. Is she tired during the day? Does she fall asleep during the day too? Have you noticed her stop breathing in the night? If so she should get it checked out with her GP.

But I would just be honest. Saying I don’t sleep very well at yours and mention that she snores.

If the relationship is going well and has a future best to be honest and be able to talk about these things from the start. Could you have different rooms for sleeping?

Because it’s the most important point if sleep apnea is a potential cause (and therefore treatment could be provided).

Yep - I think it related

Do you think the relationship has a future?

wax ear plugs and noise cancelling ear phones

Yeah. - I think it’s sleep apnea- she does the stop / start breathing thing - I have mentioned this - but it didn’t seem to go anywhere

Surely, if you wanted to, you can put a futon or folding bed in your home office? And at the moment, if she's living in a three-bed and has a YA away at university in termtime, there's a free room that can be used at need, whatever might happen in future?

Have you even tried good earplugs?

I mean, it's fine to want to end the relationship, obviously, if it's not working for you, but own it!

If you really liked her, you'd be more invested in finding a better solution than seeing less of her.

My partner was a bit sad at first when I slept in a separate bed when he stayed over but he’s used to it now. I don’t sleep as well sharing and I need my sleep. Just be straight with her and discuss options to make it work for both of you.

Good point

She knows that she is overweight and she knows that she snores as her teenage daughter teases her about it

And yet you can't have an adult conversation about it where you bring up, tactfully but directly, that it's a major issue for you and that you need to find a solution because it's seriously affecting your quality of life?

Snoring is like a form of torture. I’m a light sleeper and once I’m awake and can hear it it’s really difficult to get back to sleep. We went camping with friends and my friends husband was so loud he was keeping me awake from another tent. ( probably why my friend drinks so much ). Sorry no advice other than just be honest.

i have tons of ear plugs for my hobby and they don’t do shits worth of good- right up to NRR 33 / SNR 35 cert !

OK, so just end the relationship, if you don't think earplugs work, and you can't or won't put a folding bed or futon in your office.

I wouldn’t sleep with a snorer. My tolerance levels are very low as I age.

Yes, DH and have had separate rooms since mid 40’s due to the snoring, multiple night time trips to the loo (and his early starts). We ‘visit’ each others rooms and share a bed at weekends or on holiday, so romance is not dead - in fact it is enhanced because I don’t want to kill him for constant night time waking/530 starts and he doesn’t want to kill me for being a duvet hogger/octopus in my sleep.

Why have you mentioned her weight? Is it because you think it's causing the snoring, or is it the real reason you don't want to stay over?

If she were 7 stone would the snoring still be an issue?

Because weight can contribute to snoring!

Yes - thank you- I know I need to talk to her about this - but I’m not really sure how to bring it up without it sounding like I’m having a dig at her ( I’m not but it might well seem that way) , she really likes us co-sleeping and it don’t want it seem like I’m trying to derail our relationship by suggesting we have separate beds or something along those lines

You need to be honest with her. Tell her that you don’t sleep well because of the snoring, even with earplugs. Tell her that you love and care for her but that you don’t feel able to stay more because you need your sleep. I would also raise that you are concerned about her health as it sounds like sleep apnea and encourage her to go to the doctor. Obviously don’t mention her weight. Whilst snoring is involuntary there are things that can be done to reduce it and she should take some responsibility for looking into these if she wants you to feel more comfortable sleeping next to her.

She needs to see her gp about that, it can be very dangerous and debilitating.

Just be honest with her. She is aware she snores so it’s no problem telling her that you struggle to sleep because of it. It’s not like you are telling her something she doesn’t already know.

She’ll probably be embarrassed but it is what it is.