How can I tell my partner I do not want more overnight stays?

[MonkeyChopsUser]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, but I’m male and mid 50s ( not that I think that matters ), my G/F is also mid 50s and a bit overweight ( her own words), generally we get along great- same outlook in life, we like the same things think the same way etc, we have been together for about 10 months now.
we tend to stay over at each other’s homes once or twice a week which works well for me- she wants us to spend more nights together- but she snores like mad , I generally don’t sleep much when we spend the night together and I have lots of early starts so often feel knackered by the early afternoons
I don’t want to upset her by saying that I don’t more overnight stays- but frankly I don’t.

My OH wears earplugs and has since we've been together-16yrs.

You just need to tell her 'I love you but you snore terribly and I am struggling to sleep when at yours. I need to be home in my own bed for a good night sleep, staying over is not working for me (as much as I love spending time with you)

do not mention her weight

Hmm , probably 6 or 7 stone +

Reply to the person who asked

You're totally reasonable for this to be an issue, I go to the spare room regularly due to snoring, I still love my husband. I would definitely not link it to weight when you talk to her. Next time she mentions seeing each other more etx, be really straight but kind "I'm really sorry, I don't think I can because I don't sleep so well sharing a bed mainly as I find it hard to sleep through snoring. I love seeing you and spending time together, I'm just not sure sleeping in the same bed together more often is going to work"

probably to deflect from his grey-haired, man-boobs

We all snore occasionally but being overweight increases the frequency of snoring. I think you need to tell your girlfriend that the reason why you don't want to stay at each others houses more nights per week, is because of her loud snoring. Tell her that you don't sleep well due to her snoring, and you can't cope with staying over any more nights because you're shattered.

There's no point in trying to gloss this over. You need to see what her reaction is and if she offers any solutions to the issue. Depending on her reaction and solutions offer, may determine where your relationship goes.

It is our tongues that gain weight first apparently and that can definitely cause snoring.
I went from a total fog horn, to completely silent when I lost 16lbs.
The quality of my sleep went up as well, as I had been waking myself up.

I couldn't sleep with me, so I can understand how badly it affects you.

My children could hear me on the floor below me!

The guy is getting no sleep and the person responsible for it is showing zero interest in doing anything about it and that’s all you have to say?

@Lemondressese It is our tongues that gain weight first apparently

What?! That’s brilliant!

You need to be honest with her. Mention her snoring gently, both that it disturbs your sleep but also that you’re worried about her health as you wonder if it’s sleep apnoea and ask if she’s ever had any medical advice about it.
Personally I used to snore but do significantly less after losing weight, when I asked my GP about it the only suggestion they made was weight loss. I tried various things, the nose strips, antihistamines, a mouth guard, with no success. I used an app to track my snoring, it’s worse when I have been drinking or am extremely tired. I only snore now if I had too much to drink.
On a relationship pov, I don’t live with my long term partner (not for snoring reasons!) I don’t inflict myself on him any extra nights because I also fidget a lot. I can’t really see the point of sleeping in a different bed in the same house as him, if we sleep separately my own bed in my own house is my choice. We usually sleep over once or twice a week and tolerate each other’s disturbance as it’s a treat to sleep in the same bed together (he steals the duvet and hogs most of the bed!)

Thanks - that’s it too a tea

How bothered are you about the relationship generally op? 10 months is no time at all and if you're thinking of stopping sleeping together maybe time to just call it quits. She doesn't sound particularly invested if she hasn't listened to your snoring concerns.

I know! It was a post from an asian doctor that said snoring can be first sign you are gaining weight as the tongue thickens with fatty deposits at the back, and when you relax when sleeping, it narrows the airway.

Science or not, I was getting an awful teasing here from my children that they had to close bedroom doors to dull the racket from me, only worse after wine!😳

I'm a light sleeper and a regular snorer would disturb my sleep. Snoring is associated with being over weight and sleeping on one's back although it can occur for other reasons. It is possible to get help with it, if she knows that is loud enough to disturb you. Perhaps she could see her doctor who might suggest losing some weight and more exercise. Best you don't suggest it, leave it to her GP.

You can get an app for smart phone which measures snoring and loudness so she can check for herself on a night when your not there. Perhaps when she seen her GP, you can discuss a shared fitness regime to support her finding a solution.

But do you want to spend more nights together? Where is the relationship headed,. Do you both share the same expectations?.

I would fear gradually erosion of independence if staying overnight got extended to regularly 3 or 4 nights, nothing to do with snoring, but the snoring would also kill off spending more nights together unless there was a spare room to retreat to. I need my sleep to focus the next day.

Why was it necessary to say that she's a bit overweight? Are you not?

Read all your replies.

Have a chat with her and explain that as much as you enjoy spending time with her, you’re really struggling with her snoring and that you can’t sleep, that it’s affecting you in the day and your quality of life as you can’t function on that little sleep. And as such you can’t have sleepovers. Then leave it with her.

You do not need to bring up her weight in the discussion. If she is concerned about sleep apnoea, then she knows her weight will be a contributing issue. It’s her issue to fix.

Surely, that’s relevant as she suffers from sleep apnoea because she’s overweight.

Snoring partners are an appalling thing to have to cope with. Mine made me feel genuinely homicidal at times. You need to be frank with her and she needs to regard it as a medical issue, potentially both in its causes and its effects. There can be solutions but it won't fix itself. If that's not the only reason you're feeling ambivalent about the relationship, you need to be honest about that too.

It’s a well known fact that being overweight increases risk of snoring and apnoea.

Everyone annoyed because he mentioned her weight 🤣

If he was a woman saying her male partner was overweight and snored there would be so much sympathy 🤔

He's also said she's 6 or 7 stone overweight which will put her in the obese category. In which case, she's much more likely to have sleep apnoea. It's dangerous to one's long term health and really needs addressing.

He's also said she's 6 or 7 stone overweight

Blimey. He said a ‘bit overweight’ in his OP. This changes the picture somewhat. No wonder she snores.

Had she got a spare room?, my ex and I, I was just straight with him, I'm a light sleeper & he snored and listened to the radio all night, if i stayed i stayed in the spare room or i didn't stay.i still wore ear plugs as he was so loud.
We kinda drifted when he woke me one morning & i saw something resembling gollum looking at me, id not heard a thing & its scared the crap out of me. He wasnt bothered about me taking the spare room.
I'd likely mention this, but has she got a spare room you can escape to to get quality sleep.

Having been married to a snorer, I know how bad a disturbed night can be. My strategy was to go to bed together, decamp to spare room as and when snoring woke me up.

My current partner and I both snore sometimes. And sometimes we can’t sleep or have been ill. We don’t live together so one of us ends up on the sofa on these occasions. To be fair, there have been a handful over the years but it wouldn’t bother me of this was every week.

Best to be honest. Nothing wrong with not sleeping at a partner's house or vice versa as long as both are ok with this. Your partner might be more understanding if you let her know why.

My partner and I don't sleep at each others houses for a number of reasons and it's been 7 years. It's obviously not impacted on the longevity of our relationship.

I also get why you mentioned her weight, as that's obviously correlated with snoring.