Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

It’s only been a couple of days. For the both of you.

give it time.

Unintelligent.

It's clear that she doesn't mean "he won't talk to me" literally, given that she also describes several instances of him talking to her.

Except it isn't they have been drinking now and again with zero consequences the dr didn't say dont drink there are other epileptics who drink with zero seizures i dont think any dr would be on the fence if the link was consistently proven

She agrees with me so wind your neck in.....

Because it communicates the severity of the situation? Which she obviously needs if she thought it would be all done and dusted within a day or two.

op please stop beating yourself up here. I think people on this thread are being really unfair. It’s shit to live with a chronic illness. And people on here acting like they know better than your specialist. If they say they don’t know if there’s a link for you how is some random mumsnet person going to be so sure?

yeah maybe having a couple of glasses might have caused your seizure, but maybe you would have had one anyway. Maybe it was just lack of sleep from your night out and you would have still been triggered if you’d stayed sober, maybe it’s the recent heatwave, maybe your hormones are having a funny month, maybe you were dehydrated because of the recent heat, maybe some of the lights where you’d just been were flickering in a way that you didn’t even realise would trigger you. Maybe you have some work stress? Maybe you need a different medication ? Maybe maybe maybe.

Even if your drinkng did trigger your migraine, you didn’t know it would. Or obviously you would never have done it if you did. And you won’t again now because the link looks more likely (still not definite!) Illnesses like epilepsy, migraines, IBS are all about learning and avoiding triggers. Something that triggers you one day might not the next.

Maybe your DP is just a bit scared, I’d talk to him and say you don’t appreciate this weird cold shoulder and actually you need some support because it was a horrible scary experience for you.

If you genuinely didn’t know there was a link between alcohol and seizures then I feel very sad for you and sorry that this has happened. I wonder if there is more to it though? Your DH has reacted so strongly for a reason.

Give him time. It must have been horrible and shocking for him seeing you like that, and needing to protect the children as well as possible while trying to look after you.
Hopefully you truly know now that you mustn't drink again whatever happens in your marriage.

TBH I'm surprised, there is a v clear link between alcohol withdrawal and seizures.

Sorry I know I posted before but alcohol is a soft spot for me. My anecdotal experience is that my mum (who eventually died of cirrhosis at 53 :(( only started having seizures when she started binge drinking and drinking hard spirits and not eating. I'm surprised she didn't have more seizures throughout her lifetime. Obviously there are many people here who have posted that they are epileptic with family members etc who are not alcoholics (even an antidepressant can cause a seizure!). It's worth bringing this all up with your doctor.

You've received many replies here and I'm sure you will feel pretty terrible but please do take care of yourself.

I don’t have the idea that she thought it would be “done and dusted”?

If he won’t actually discuss anything then they’ll get absolutely nowhere.

I’ve worked with a few people with epilepsy over the years. All want to live a normal life. So OP be kind to yourself.
Also - your kids need to see a seizure and know what to do. As do friends and workmates. When people understand if it and know what to do, you are far safer.
I worked with someone who I’ll never forget as she taught us that. She left our work as it was triggering her episodes but 80 staff learnt what to do and how to react to keep her and any others safe

I'm sorry you are getting such a hard time here OP.
Seizures are horrible for everyone to witness, but particularly distressing for you the sufferer. I can completely understand how after two years you got a bit more complacent with alcohol and it doesn't sound like you are a a regular or a heavy drinker. There seems to be a link between your seizures and alcohol, but you obviously don't have seizures every time, hence maybe drinking a little bit more, so it's possible there isn't even a link. Some people who never ever drink have seizures. Children for example.

But I don't even think that the cause is the point . I believe you wouldn't even try another drink from now on. I don't think you need to beat yourself up emotionally, but then neither should he.

The problem is his reaction. Cold, hard , continued anger and silent treatment is not the behaviour of a concerned partner. If it was just his initial reaction that would be understandable, but if he is deliberately punishing you whilst being aware of your distress then I wonder if something else
( as per your instincts) is going on.

@TaupeBird despite working in leisure for years and with several epileptics I have never head until today a link between alcohol and seizures. But I’m 100% clear that coworkers and family members Inc kids should know what to do

Op wrote this, he isn't talking to her at all

No he’s not talking at all, even when it’s coming to the kids, which I hate because I don’t want them to feel the tension between us

Please stop colluding. The OP knows she shouldn't be drinking more than one or two drinks occasionally, no matter what she says about it. I can't believe the 'but the OP didn't know' posts. You're not helping.

I can understand him being upset initially but really, you have a condition that is affecting your life and requiring major changes. It’s not unreasonable to struggle with that and make missteps. As you’ve obviously now learned the lesson, he’s being unkind not to forgive and move on.

Read the thread again. We’re not talking about what ideas you may or may not have.

Don’t be ridiculous.

I have started taking fits the morning after a heavy drinking session. The first time I thought was a one off but after the second time I no longer drink at all. I don’t have epilepsy.

so I am not surprised that it took affect the morning after - you can end up really dehydrated which triggers seizures.

With that being said I can see why you carried on drinking if it didn’t affect you all the time. You’ve learned a harsh lesson this way and I hope you recovered quickly.

I feel like your husbands disappointment comes from fear and the fact he will have to drive. But he is overreacting a bit.

Give him time, explain what you’ve learnt, and see how it goes from there. If he carries on from there, then he’s out of order.

Has anyone said this?

Thought not.

So you know more than the OP says, eh?

better not. Whoever will, will

How is he normally?

So as you’ve said, you won’t drink anymore. So no more seizures.

However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent.

By this, it sounds like you have been drinking somewhat regularly over the last 2 and haven’t had a seizure, so alcohol doesn’t seem to have too much of a link.

Obviously if you think there is any sort of link, you’re probably best to not drink but your husband is being an arse when you have been able to drink without seizures for 2 years.

Him not talking to you won’t be good for the children to see earlier. If he feels you may continue to drink, then he can give you an ultimatum, but it sounds like you’ve said you won’t drink again already. I’m sure he’s shocked and upset but he needs to communicate like an adult.

DP has uncontrolled epilepsy and has a few seizures every fortnight. He's gone into status before, so it's worrying managing it all and deciding when to give emergency meds and when to call an ambulance. Helping him after when he's postictal and doing mental shit. Tracking him down if he was out and has wandered off. His long term memory loss from the big ones. Doing all of it with a smile and playing it down, keeping it calm for the kids...

It's extra hard because I watched my dad die in a seizure, too. It's so scary at times. I have great sympathy for you OP. It's a big condition to take on and scary. Limiting for you and your loved ones and with potentially life changing effects with each seizure. It's no wonder you slipped into feeling fine again and living your old normal life. It's very alluring, but not safe. DP is seemingly unlucky and just has them frequently with no discernable trigger and little effects from the meds so far, but has a host of other problems that don't help. I do find myself grumpy when he isn't trying to look after himself - it just turns into another thing I have to do. And he has more seizures when he isn't trying, even if he'll have a couple either way; that has knock on effects for me. I don't think your husband is handling this kindly, but it really is a stressful thing to manage with kids. I can see where he's coming from and it's probably mostly from fear and worry. Give him time and yourself grace. I found the first ten or so seizures so stressful, even if it's only the bad ones that get me now.

Look after yourself. The unexpected massive one when they were infrequent before seems to have ended up leading to frequent regular ones following. With my DP needing looking after and me needing to do it. We're in resus a lot. Do what you can to avoid that. I hope your meds are holding better for you going forward. Make sure you contact your consultant or epilepsy nurse.