Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Absolutely this
I would be beyond furious if I had all the pressure of driving on me because of one selfish decision

Hi OP. What a difficult situation. I guess you’ve learned a hard lesson there. Give him some time to calm down and hopefully you can work it out together.

Thinking of you x

I think some posters are being hard on you, and you OP are being hard on yourself. The doctor wasn't certain there was a link with alcohol, and you were finding that in recent times it didn't have any ill effects.
It's just one of those things, and now you know, and you feel strong enough, to stop drinking completely - no mean feat in boozy Britain, so imo you should be supported and praised.... rather than feeling you have to grovel and say sorry! 💐
Sending love. You're probably still in shock from it all, but you will feel better soon. x

I think he is being completely unreasonable and potentially using this as an excuse to break up. You have been drinking occasionally without seizures, trusting in your medication. You don't even know for sure if it was the alcohol - likely combination of triggers, and you've said you won't drink again. Even so there is no guarantee you won't ever have another seizure again even without ever drinking again. Instead of understanding that you are dealing with a complex condition he's making it all about him.

^ this. Said better than I did!

It happened “this past weekend”, ie two days ago?

You need to allow him a lot more time to get over this. Stop wallowing in self pity and get on with proving that you will never be so stupidly risky again.

Thank you for your reply.

All the negativity that’s come through this thread is no more than what I have been thinking myself, but I just feel so lonely that I needed to get things off my chest.

I have a really close friend I can talk to, she was round today, but my MIL was also here so couldn’t really go into much detail although I’m close to MIL so she knows some of what I’m feeling anyway

I am 100% not a doctor but how much alcohol are we talking. My mum was an alcoholic so had withdrawal seizures but only really when she was drinking hard spirits. That aside I would be upset if it was a known risk and you are potentially putting yourself at harm.

OP I think you're being a bit disingenuous in saying that your consultant didn't give you clear guidance about drinking alcohol. It's very well known that alcohol and epilepsy do not mix. One minute spent googling would make that clear. I'd be very angry with you. I had a diabetic friend who used to drink herself stupid, have hypos and then blame everyone for not looking after her. It was awful.

It does sound like there might be something more going on with your H though. Talking about you to his mum and saying it's private is rubbish, as is stonewalling you. I hope you mean it about stopping drinking. I would give him a couple of weeks to calm down and start talking, but then I'd ask him if he wants to divorce. No point flogging a dead horse if he's already poised to leave.

I'm with your husband. He's had to manage a really scary and upsetting episode as well as now having you unable to drive (again) for 12 months. If you knew alcohol increases the risk of a seizure you were incredibly stupid to drink. Hindsight is all very well but he'll need some time to come round.

Exactly.
I don’t drink at all but unless OP is missing out a whole lot of things then I don’t think she’s been horribly irresponsible. She would be if it happened again, but that’s not the situation here.
To give the DH the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he feels the loss of control that illness brings and wants to pin the blame on something. It’s easier for him to act as if OP was all-knowing and made a conscious choice than to say well this is really shit, it was upsetting, and I’m worried.

he sounds like an arsehole, he also sounds scared.
i am surprised you drank at all given any possible link. That’s a huge risk to take!!
I think you need to go zero alcohol and stick with it.
I don’t have seizures or epilepsy but still consider alcohol a risk - I hardly drink because I feel it’s such a health risk. I’m shocked you don’t see much / enough risk to avoid it even with the added seizure risk.
You need to be on the same page - he cannot dictate the terms of your ‘good health’ - he may have a heart attack next week for example because of years of no exercise/ poor diet / pick any reason etc. However you do have a responsibility to manage the risks for your families sake imo.
You cannot ask them to live with you drinking knowing the risk it has and the potential huge consequences. He feels you’ve done that and that’s why he sees it as a betrayal. Which it is. Except you’ve only just realised the risk / the gravity of it now (by the sounds of it.) He was already there.

I know this because I have an alcoholic parent who also is disabled. Drinking increases risk of injury which affects everyone in the family. The person won’t stop drinking.. I see my other parent struggle.. I know they are an alcoholic and will die an alcoholic. I’ve lost a lot of respect for them to be honest. They are oblivious to the strain they put on everyone.. you sound more aware / awoken by this incident - I hope it’s a different ending for you. Xxx

I know, perhaps unusually, four friends and a cousin that have epilepsy. None of them drink, and all because their doctor said they shouldn't. I am very surprised your doctor said they weren't sure about any correlation. It's very well known to be a very strong trigger.

To PPs saying OP is getting stick, she really played down the alcohol issue saying the consultant wasn’t clear about it and she didn’t feel drunk. I have an epileptic friend and she knows that alcohol is a big risk. A simple google tells you the same. This is on her.

I think he is being harsh. Yes it must have been horrible for him and now it's a massive pain and i can unferstand him being angry. But you weren't going against medical advice. You've made a mistake, yes a big one but it wasn't intentional and you've already said you'll learn from it, now you know it may be a trigger. Not talking to you isn't going to help the situation and isnt healthy. And I don't think it's great for him to be drinking what sounds like quite a lot - if he is drinking more than the recommended amount he is also (eventually) risking various health conditions that will impact you and the kids e.g. alzheimers and cancer, that are also known to have increased risks due to alcohol. Imagine he had some diagnosis that was likely linked to alcohol use, would you go mental at him and stop talking

He's right

I have epilepsy and alcohol is a well known trigger for seizures for most people with the condition. There will never be a “proven link” but as a general rule, alcohol is known to increase the likelihood of seizures. I haven’t drank alcohol for 14 years for that very reason.

I know how much my seizures impact on my family as well as myself and for that reason alone I do everything I possibly can to reduce the chance of having one.

Epilepsy is unpredictable and so the potential for having seizures is always there, and the possibility of having one can never be fully eradicated, but for you to to choose to engage in an activity that significantly increases your likelihood of having one with the result now having had such an impact on your family (losing your license) was pretty reckless.

But I also know what it’s like to live a life that is constrained by an illness and sometimes the need to just experience the same kind of freedom that everyone else gets to have is overwhelming.

I’m not surprised your husband is upset with you but I also hope your husband cools off as time passes as I know how disheartening it is to have seizures and be back at Square 1.

I think he’s being harsh as are others on here. It sounds like you’ve drank alcohol various other times in the last couple of years and not had seizures. This may not be about that. I agree it’s probably best just not to drink, but I think his reaction and you apologising to the kids like that isn’t right. Support them yes but just talk to them about it being one of these things.

I would be raging to be fair if my husband new drinking was a risk and his decision to drink meant I dealt with a traumatic situation and then would have to be the sole driver for at least a year

I can't drink due to a medical condition and I know it can feel like missing out but it's just not worth it

I think if it was my spouse I would want them to assure me they wouldn't drink alcohol any more

If that were me and my husband was you I would be really worried and scared and it might initially come out as anger, but I wouldn’t ignore him. Your husband is being childish, and you were a bit careless but I think the consultant being on the fence gave you a bit of false confidence. I think you’re both at fault but I understand both sides. Give it a bit of time and then have a proper conversation and make a game plan when you can go into this as a team.

Epilepsy really scares onlookers and if those onlookers are children then it’s pretty bloody awful. You’ve been irresponsible but he’s not behaving kindly towards you. It could be that he’s scared and upset or it could be that it’s a final straw. Who knows. You need to talk.

My brother in law has epilepsy and has had a number of seizures after drinking alcohol. No real point to this post apart from to say you're not alone op. Sounds like you felt like alcohol wasn't affecting your seizures as you have been drinking for two years without one and your consultant didn't say you shouldn't drink. I'd give your husband a chance to calm down and see if you can get through this. It sounds like he's being a bit of an unsupportive arse but give it some time. Don't beat yourself up about it. People make mistakes.

Huh? If we are all so desperately concerned about his wife not having a seizure ..surely he needs to be ready to render aid? Such hypocrisy in the responses on here.

Stress increases the likelihood of a seizure…so how would you describe not being spoken too? Fun? Or an enormous strain?

My husband was diagnosed with epilepsy. Tonic clonic seizures are hands down one of the most petrifying things to witness, followed closely by the constant fear of whether today will be the day he has another one. He has had several episodes of status epilepticus and has nearly died as a result. It gave me clinically diagnosed PTSD. He says himself that seizures are often worse for the petrified person looking after them.

I do not understand why you would risk your children seeing one. Or the potential serious risks of a seizure.

I am with your husband on this one, sorry.

i know more than anyone the constraints that it puts on your life, but unfortunately life isn’t perfect and lots of people have to deal with shit and are unable to do exactly as they want to do.

I feel the only way you can salvage this is to cease drinking completely - and stick to it.

Agree with husband. But I hope he comes around for you .