Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Also use a bit of common sense. If alcohol interferes with people’s brains anyway then it’s definitely going to interfere with epilepsy isn’t it?

If this was written by a woman whose partner knew that alcohol could contribute to seizures, got more 'comfortable' with alcohol and then had a seizure after a night out drinking, in front of his kids and she was furious about it...

Yeah, everyone would be calling the OP an arsehole and berating her for not supporting him

Not.

And how will she do this when the DH isn't speaking to her?

Also the only proof is not ever drinking again, which the OP can only demonstrate day by day.

How is she wallowing in self-pity? She's had feelings before this that the marriage might not be sound and now he won't speak to her - out of order.

He sounds like an arsehole!
epilepsy is so unpredictable!
my husband diagnose with with in his mid 30s nearly 4 years ago. Went 2.5 year seizure free and BAM! TC seizure out of nowhere! He had over excerted previous day…..but it sometimes happens with no seizure. We both started to relax a bit when he hadn’t had one for so long. Then after that we felt like we took a step back….no more driving so loss of independence again etc.
His mother had the same reaction as your husband. She was so angry with him she couldn’t speak or look at him…..until I spoke to them and gave them more information about the condition.

The nature of the condition is unpredictable. Your husband needs some education on this.
sending you a hug

Every weekend? He should agree to limit it to lower levels. Do it for both of you.

With alcohol it’s more the dehydration afterwards that can trigger seizures also!

He’s completely overreacting and sounds like a bit of an arsehole tbh!

I have epilepsy and drink alcohol. Not a lot but I do. I think people are focusing too much on alcohol + epilepsy =inevitable fit. There is a link but it's not a given. Most people with epilepsy will have an occasional drink.

People are being really unsympathetic here. Epilepsy is unpredictable for some. Stress caused my last fit. I don't see people worrying about the stress you're under? Your husband is an adult and capable of an adult conversation about this. For not having that, he is a that. Probably a frustrated and scared twat but still a twat

I take it you’ve never had to deal with a loved one having a full blown seizure??

I suspect the doctor will have used cautious language like "a good deal of evidence suggests.... we can't know for certain but strongly advise..."

Which in science-speak, means don't do it!

When alcohol is affecting your life, your health and your relationships, the best thing you can do is give it up. He should be giving it up with you to support you. But he’ll be angry as long as he’s angry i’m afraid. I’d be very angry too in his shoes.

Thank you. I know very little about epilepsy but some of the messages here are horrible. People don’t understand what it’s like to have a chronic illness, nor do they realise just how little is known about many, many common conditions.

but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it

This happened on Sunday.

It's Tuesday.

What timescale do you think is reasonable for this, and why?

This seems to be the consensus, it’s not been until all the googling these past couple of days that I have noticed such a strong connection between alcohol and seizures, perhaps I just wasn’t looking for it before but I feel incredibly stupid.

What the actual fuck!!! What a disgraceful message.

Nasty.

There is a family to deal with, so right away would be good. He's a grown-up and doesn't get to do the silent treatment.

It’s very easy for everyone to berate you for just wanting to have a drink with your mates and I feel really sorry for you. It doesn’t sound like you’re going out on the piss all the time. More that you just wanted to enjoy an evening. What people don’t understand is how flipping difficult it is to cut things out of your life that other people can eat/drink without consequence because of a health condition (I don’t have epilepsy but have several conditions which require not doing certain things/can’t eat/drink certain things and like you, have condition with risk of driving licence being revoked). I’m so so sorry.

Your partner is being a total arsehole tbh and not very understanding at all. Anything could’ve happened - would you be annoyed at him if he had an accident and couldn’t drive? I’m sure you’d have a lot more understanding. Your seizure could be just as likely to have been caused by having a late night as it was to have been caused by alcohol, as it is to have been caused by stress. And pinning it solely on the fact that you went out and had a good time (and him essentially blaming you and using as an excuse to be mad) is him being frustrated in general.

Let him cool down.
You realise now that you can't have alcohol.
Lesson learned.
You didn't realise there was a link and now that you have, you have learned a lesson and are taking responsibility.
He's probably just disappointed.
Give him time and take care of yourself.
It's not exactly fun for you either

I feel for you all, tbh. In all honesty I would be furious if my DH knowingly put himself as risk of a seizure, so I'm with your DH on that - especially as the consequence is long term and so restrictive.

However, it perhaps should have been clearly explained to you that the reason the Consultant may have been 'on the fence' about the link between alcohol and your seizures is that there isn't a direct link. They can't say 'a glass of wine is ok, but two isn't' or 'A really strong beer will definitely trigger a seizure. Plus, dehydration generally (which is exacerbated by alcohol intake), sleep deprivation (which can be increased when drinking), and stress (both psysical and emotional) can all contribute to the likelihood and severity of seizures.

That's why the only safe amount of alcohol is 0.

I cannot believe the amount of people on here who for a glass of alcohol would do anything

It may be harshly worded, but it’s true.

I can’t understand what you’re trying to say.

I would likely be acting like your husband if the tables were turned. It would be make or break. Zero alcohol or ending it. Because having the kids find you cold and dead at the bottom of the stairs one day is probably tbe very worst thing he can think of happening to them and he would be picking up the pices of that for the rest of his life.
I suspect he wanta you to know this is the last time he will stand for this, and he eill come around. But he is hurting deeply. He might have trauma from dealing with the scene. All the thoughts going through his head like, is this the last time they see mummy during the seizure.
You also have been through a major health event.
Give him some time. I don't think this can be forgotten quickly but can be rectified i time.

Exactly this
why on earth jeopardise everything?
it sounds ridiculous and I completely understand why he is upset and your poor kids too seeing their mum like that. Appreciate it could happen anytime but you took that risk and you didn’t have to and as a mother you didn’t think of the consequences

How does it help the OP to move forward in any way?