Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

That's just it, though:

Why did her husband know to blame the alcohol when not even OP knew?

Alcohol consumption as such does not trigger epileptic seizures of course or doctors would simply have patients abstain, it's more about the knock-on effects; it's a diuretic that renders some AEDs less effective. A slight hangover, hot weather, possibly stress (as implied by OP), electrolyte imbalance in the brain due to dehydration and less effective AEDs -> higher risk overall.

Yes, all true. However, the stress is largely out of a person's control, as is hot weather, etc. What is in control is whether you drink alcohol in the first place.

It's similar, I think, to the decision around drinking and driving. There is a tolerance in the law for a level of alcohol in the blood stream whilst driving. I'm of the view that if I ever had an accident after drinking even one alcoholic drink, I would never know if I could have avoided the accident without the drink. So, hard line, I don't. Not a drop. Now, I'll admit it's easy for me because I don't really like alcoholic drinks, so don't drink anyway. But I wouldn't touch a drink that I might have had if I was driving.

At no point has OP said she knows alcohol is a trigger.

Oh come off it, it's even in her OP:

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol

However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent.

he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault

every now and then I have drank just a little bit more than what I had before. i guess I just thought the tablets were doing their job, which they are just not when I push it too far.

Anytime I do have a drink, which is not often, I NEVER drive for a couple of days afterwards.

I NEVER drive the day after drinking alcohol and sometimes even 2/3 days after.

I have epilepsy myself and sorry I'm with her husband imagine op hit one of your kids would you be happy with oh well I had a seizure? I've never driven because I'm not stupid I also don't drink I don't need to be told I just don't because then it's never going to be a problem

she has experimented with drinking alcohol a bit more. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that,

I'm not sure if you know this, but when you see your neurologist they tell you that they are obliged to warn you about sudden death from an epileptic seizure, which even has its own acronym SUDEP. They tell you not to mow the lawn, climb ladders or have a shower or bath if you are alone in the house and every site you look at from the NHS onwards warns about the risk of alcohol, especially combined with heat.

I hope the OP, (who to her absolute credit has taken full responsibility for her actions even when others are telling her she's done nothing wrong). can get her marriage back on track and her husband can give her the support she needs right now.

What difference would it make to me? Not getting to see my kids grow up? Not getting to do all the things I wanted to do with my life? Presumably the same things my loved ones left behind would grieve for?

I find the attitude of "they'll be dead anyway so it doesn't matter" and "watching my loved one's medical condition is WAY harder for me than them" both really disablist and problematic--the lives and experiences of those of us with medical conditions matter TO US, not just to those around us.

We're kind of going around in circles really, literally no one has said you don't matter when you are dead, just that your family will be the ones to continue to suffer your loss after you are gone, you won't care anymore because you will be dead.

the lives and experiences of those of us with medical conditions matter TO US, not just to those around us.

Not one single person is disputing that, so not sure why you keep saying it.

IMO some aspects of medical conditions can affect the people around us more than it does us, seizures can be one of those aspects, if you don't have epilepsy or support someone with it, you probably wouldn't understand.

Ok, apparently knowing someone with epilepsy makes at least some people spout eugenecist crap. Good to know.

You seem to think I'm affronted that care might be hard on the people around me. I'm not. I literally considered not getting married for that reason and I'm a caregiver. I'm affronted that anyone is self absorbed enough to think care is worse than being the person affected

When my seizures are happening they are undoubtedly
worse for those around me than they are for me. I have no idea they are happening, I have no awareness.

However, when I’m awake and conscious, living with
epilepsy is undoubtedly worse for me than anyone around me as I’m living with it and all its constraints every day.

The poster you are arguing with is very specifically taking about epilepsy (not broadly speaking about all disabilities) and specifically talking about those who witness seizures, and it being more traumatic for them to see it than it is for those who are having them at that specific time seeing as the person having the seizure is unconscious and does not know what is going on.

When the person comes round and is aware of what has happened and has to deal with the aftermath of their seizure and return to the conscious experience of living with the condition then of course it’s worse for them than it is anyone else.

But whilst they are unconscious and totally unaware of the seizure occurring, for those around them who are witnessing it (and it can be terrifying in some instances) then of course it’s worse for them in that brief period of time.

I wouldn't presume to tell you how your illness affects you or how it affects the people that love/care for you. So why would you think you are qualified to tell people with epilepsy or carers of epilepsy how they should feel.

Theirs no point by affronted by something you have no real life experience of.

When I was a kid I had no idea about my epilepsy or the seizures I had, just had to take tablets at school and at home, it literally had zero effect on me in any real way whatsoever, looking back now as a parent myself my mum would have gone through the wringer with it, the stress, the uncertainty, the guilt, the fear, like I said I nearly died in my sleep at one point, it's not self absorbed to say I think she had it way worse than I did for all those years.

But I am talking specifically about the seizure part of epilepsy here, not 'illness' in general.

I think the prolonged silent treatment and the use of 'punishing' behaviour are the main issue here, especially given what OP has said about general insecurity in the relationship. I wonder if some people think this type of behaviour is justified in the circumstances.

This. And please, please stop the idiotic scaremongering on the thread. It's not helpful for the OP.

Quite so. Feels very orchestrated.

I’m not surprised @TaupeBird hasn't been back and I doubt whether she will be. I hope shes ok.

I do know that thank you. And I stick by what I said. OP hasn’t had a seizure for two years - during which time she has drunk alcohol. And the watch words here are ‘in moderation’. There is no reason to suppose that this seizure was triggered by alcohol in preference to any other trigger. I think on MN there is a tendency for those who have no disability, and therefore no clue what it’s like to live with one, to tell those who do, how to live.

I also don’t think it’s down to OP to get her marriage back on track. Particularly as she’s indicated there’s a good chance her DH wants out anyway. That being the case he should say so and not use her disability as an excuse to end things. He’s behaved appallingly towards her.

The man is traumatised. He's angry. He was frightened. Your children were frightened. And with the driving thing, let's face it, he's also massively inconvenienced.

It's easy to say it wasn't your fault and it was beyond your control and to a large extent that's true. You could have had a seizure at any time, with or without alcohol. But you said by your own admission you'd made a link between your seizures and your alcohol consumption. It doesn't matter if the doctors couldn't give you conclusive answers about the link, does it? You have a young family. Why would you ever even take that chance again?

I've known someone in their early 30s die from epileptic seizure, not from the seizure itself but from the injuries sustained during it. He had a very 'normal' life as well, up until the day he didn't. He hit his head when he fell during the fit and that was that.

It's great that you are largely healthy and able to live a normal life doing fun things, but don't take that for granted and push your luck. You have played Russian Roulette and this is the result. Next time it could be worse. He needs you to understand how that feels for him and for the children.

Haven't read whole thread. Have a close family member with epilepsy and they drink (sometimes a lot!) and it doesn't seem to trigger a seizure.

It's possible it wasn't the alcohol that triggered it. Could have been tiredness. It doesn't really matter. You are human. You may have made a mistake. People are very judgemental. People with health conditions often do things that worsen their condition. Would he have had same reaction if you had say worked too hard and triggered a seizure?

His anger is more about the impact on him I suspect - the impact on your driving.

Self blame is not helpful. Be kind to yourself.

I can’t believe all the shitty comments OP has been getting.

The stress of the whole situation could be a contributory factor along with alcohol.

I hope you have the opportunity of an appointment with a neurologist soon, so you can explain everything that is going on in your life, not just one aspect.

Imagine how beyond reproach their family and friends must have to be.