Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Ah but that stops the “he’s a ‘orrible bastard!’
if it was reversed and the bloke had epilepsy affected by alcohol who still went drinking and then was driving, posters would be shrieking about how he should be blocked from ever seeing the dc!

Apparently so.

Give Epilepsy Action a ring, they have loads of support available and the helpline are so friendly. There’s support groups and I think they used to do counselling too? Not sure if that’s still going

You made a mistake gettinbg complacent, but that's what it is a mistake- has your DH never made a mistake? I very much doubt it.
Your husband does not love you ar your children if he cannot find it in his heart to forgive you- tell him so, and remind him he is not infallible.

Doctors top the charts for substance abuse and addictive behaviour - it's a tough job and it takes its toll.
Unfortunately, I have heard of some lousy medical advice lately (if taking antibiotics just don't mix them with alcohol, skip a dose while you're drinking) which suggests that some doctors avoid telling people not to drink.
Epilepsy is dealt with in a variety of ways, some medics seem to want a series of seizures/absences to confirm the diagnosis - even if it badly impacts your life - get plenty of sleep, avoid as much stress as you can, avoid drink and particularly illegal drugs.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing! There are posts saying you were stupid to drink but it’s so easy to become complacent given you’ve been drinking recently and haven’t had a seizure. So I think it’s unfair. Your consultant wasn’t totally clear cut in their advice with “limit” rather than “no” alcohol. So it’s easy to see why you had a drink. You’re out with friends buying rounds, keeping up or they’re encouraging you to have another, or simply you just feel like another as you’re not thinking as you’ve had a couple already. It’s probably easy done. It could be non-alcohol related such as humidity or the hot weather but you never want to the risk again. That’s the right decision - family first.

It must have been scary for him and your kids, and him trying to help you and manage the kids at the same time, plus deal with onlookers too etc. plus it sounds as if it’s an inconvenience for him now as he might to drive more and ferry you and the kids around more. Totally understandable that he’s annoyed. As others have said, it might take a day or two for him to calm down before you can have a proper conversation. Probably need to check in and make sure your entire relationship is ok too! It’s understandable also if he’s had a rant and let off stream to his mum. If you’re close maybe you can explain your side. Have you had a chat with your kids too? How old are they?

It is an awful environment if he’s not talking to you Ritter and just emotional abuse.

Hopefully things work out once he calms down.

Dear OP, I am very sorry to hear that you have a difficult medical condition. That sounds hard. 💐

I'm sorry that your husband is being horrible. You have an illness, and he should be showing you kindness. Besides, there's nothing to say it was the drink, especially since there's no proven link. It could have been the heat, tiredness, stress, or just getting older.

I think you should stand up for yourself. Tell him it could have been any of these things and there is no medical proof that alcohol brings on fits in sufferers of epilepsy. Otherwise, drunk people having seizures would not be a rare sight. Tell him that it could easily be the heat or getting older or just random, and that's it's not fun for you having epilepsy or suffering fits, either. And that you're not impressed with him ignoring you.

Basically, I wouldn't be apologising or grovelling, not to anyone, and I would push back hard on the notion that it's the drink.

And if he wants to leave you, let him. I am so over men. I have no idea why us women worship them so much. Well, not worship, but you know what I mean. A man who doesn't see your worth is of no value to you.

I can't imagine being horrible to a spouse who has epilepsy. I suppose he thinks that experiencing a seizure and not being able to drive for a year isn't dreadful enough for you.

Now, dear OP, pamper yourself a little for the next few days, if you can. Bath? Nice chocolates? Massage? Whatever floats your boat. You can't rely on men to be nice to you, sadly. You have to do that for yourself. Maybe buy yourself some nice flowers because you were ill, and tell him why you bought them, after establishing that the drink wasn't the problem. (I mean, it's possible, but if he's going to treat you like that, let's go with the "There is no medical evidence that alcohol brings on seizures.")

"Who sent you those flowers?"
"It feels horrible having a seizure, so I bought them for myself as a treat."

Shame the bastard.

@TaupeBird

Thank you for your valuable input. Hope you get a good night’s sleep and wake up clearer tomorrow.

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely and it also sounds like you feel quite guilty about having epilepsy full stop. It’s not your fault. You went out with friends and wanted to be normal and had a couple of drinks. It’s not your fault either. You now know uou can’t and won’t do it again but living with an illness is difficult in itself ( I’ve has breast cancer on and off for over 20 years all ok atm touch wood) I know how it feels to want to be carefree and to live normally and also how horrible it is to worry family, but it’s not our fault . I understand and am sending you a handhold.

Please try to ignore all the sanctimonious replies OP. You have to question the motivations of people berating you when you are so distressed because of your medical condition.

Those of us who live with chronic/long-lasting health conditions often have to weigh up decisions about our health. Sometimes we get it wrong. I took a bad decision about my medication which lead to very serious consequences. Do I regret my decision? Yes. Has anyone berated me or blamed me? No, Everyone has supported me which has helped me continue to look after myself.

Your DH is being an arse. And frankly some of the views about epilepsy displayed on this thread are bordering on the medieval. It’s not your fault @TaupeBird. I hope you are feeling better soon. DM me if you want someone to chat to off the thread.

I think that fact that you knew there was link between your seizures and alcohol use is the issue here.

I've had epilepsy for 30 years and I never knew about it, but a quick good absolutely spells it out that it can be a massive problem for some people, so if it was on your radar as a possible trigger I can understand why your DH is now furious, you've been risking this every time you drink.

Ironically, you may not realise it, but it can be incredibly traumatic witnessing someone you love having a seizure, not knowing if they are going to come out of it, or what the right thing is to do, he was the one on the outside dealing with it alone with your three kids seeing it for the first time too, who would most likely have been terrified. It's no surprise that he is still reeling from that.

I'm really sorry OP but I think I'd be furious too, you may need to just give him some time to calm down.

ODFOD.

OP, I just read that the internet says there's a strong link between alcohol and epilepsy. Well, that's not what your consultant said. So you'll have to change your messaging to your husband that you followed your specialist's advice to limit your drinking and that he didn't say you had to give it up completely. If he brings up the internet, say that it's irreponsible to follow internet advice instead of your specialist.

Of course, you shouldn't have to be sticking up for yourself like this anyway. The silent treatment is known to be a form of emotional abuse and is very damaging to a relationship and to the target's self-esteem. Any intimate partner who uses it on you is an arsehole. It's a huge red flag for an abusive personality. And to do it to someone who's recovering from a seizure and now can't drive for a year! Do you really want to be with him, OP? Because he sounds like a prize twat, and a nasty one at that. I wish I could tell him off. Let me at him!

Tell him it could have been any of these things and there is no medical proof that alcohol brings on fits in sufferers of epilepsy.

What a silly thing to advise, she already knows there is a link between the two things, as they have obviously discussed it previously so her DH knows there is a link too, besides a quick google will confirm it:

Yes, alcohol can significantly worsen epilepsy for many individuals. It lowers the seizure threshold and can increase both the frequency and severity of seizures.

Key risks include:
Medication Interactions: Both alcohol and anti-seizure medications are processed by the liver. Alcohol can accelerate the breakdown of your medication, rendering it less effective. It can also intensify the side effects of your medication, making you feel drowsy or intoxicated much faster.
Withdrawal and Hangovers: Seizures frequently occur 6 to 48 hours after alcohol consumption stops, as the brain becomes hyperexcitable during withdrawal.
Trigger Factors: Heavy drinking often leads to indirect triggers like dehydration, sleep deprivation, and missed medications.

Obviously she became complacent and didn't mean for it to happen, but she can't make excuses now and lie that she didn't know this could be a possibility, that's just insulting.

Exactly. If a woman posted, saying she now had to do all the driving for a year because her husband had drunk too much, despite having previously established a personal link between alcohol and seizures, she’d be told divorce him.

Alcohol is a neurotoxin and you have a neurologic condition. You blithely ignored medical advice to avoid alcohol and you had a seizure. This affects your husband negatively in multiple ways and your children and I can see why he's pissed at you.

It's time for him to set the hard boundary of no alcohol or he's done.

See my follow-up message just above.

Edit: Also, did you check that that AI summary is from reputable sources? Because the Epilepsy Foundation says this:

Facts About Alcohol and Seizures
In small amounts, alcohol does not cause seizures. A drink or two now and then does not increase seizure activity.
Small amounts of alcohol don’t change the amount of seizure medicines in your blood or change findings on EEG (electroencephalogram) studies.
When alcohol is related to seizures, it is often the state of alcohol withdrawal that causes the seizures, not the drinking itself. Your risk of seizures may be much higher after having three or more alcoholic beverages.
Binge drinking and alcohol withdrawal can even lead to status epilepticus, a life-threatening and potentially fatal problem.

www.epilepsy.com/what-is-epilepsy/seizure-triggers/alcohol

It's time for him to set the hard boundary of no alcohol or he's done

The OP did that in her first post. She has owned up fully to her responsibility in this.

Now it's the DH's turn to have conversation with her once he wakes up to the fact that a family is at stake here.

Just want to add that your DH drinking regularly can also cause health problems . I’m not going to list them but it’s a well known fact. Yet he is taking the risk with the harm that could cause his family and the example he’s setting for his kids (and also living his life as he chooses )So he’s being a bit saintly in a way isn’t he?

OP, I just read that the internet says there's a strong link between alcohol and epilepsy. Well, that's not what your consultant said. So you'll have to change your messaging to your husband that you followed your specialist's advice to limit your drinking and that he didn't say you had to give it up completely. If he brings up the internet, say that it's irreponsible to follow internet advice instead of your specialist.

Oh for god's sake.. I've had epilepsy for 30 years, I never even knew there was a link between drinking and seizures as it has never affected me in that way.. but consultants aren't there to tell you exactly what to do, epilepsy is so very varied from person to person, as to what the triggers are, some people will never experience this, he told her to limit her intake in case this was one of her.. she didn't limit it on this occasion.

If OP knew there was a link for her (and she did), then it was her personal responsibility to make sure she didn't risk herself or her family by going against the advice, making excuses like you are suggesting would be the final straw for me if I was her husband, it's shit advice.

Bottom line is, if she was driving them from this day out she could have killed them all (and others).. she has got off very lucky as it is.

You’ve had a horrible experience, really feel for you. It must be a huge amount to deal with, the fear of never knowing when a seizure might strike - I guess after 2 years, you were feeling the meds were doing their job and you could relax a little.
Your husband is being v unfair - hopefully once the shock of seeing you seizing with your kids present has worn off he’ll come to his senses. As someone upthread said he may be lashing out.
Please don’t feel guilty - you made a mistake and an understandable one given even your own consultant was so vague about the alcohol link.
Hope it’s just a blip and your meds continue to work well - and your husband gives you the support you deserve.

OP, it sounds as though you're trying to lead people to criticise your husband. It really doesn't matter that he drinks more than you do - he's not the one with epilepsy. You say you're worried that his decision not to talk to you is affecting the kids, but frankly, your kids will have been far more deeply affected by watching you have the seizure. If you're annoyed with him because you think his silence will have a negative effect on them, how do you think he feels about them seeing their own mum have a seizure?

Your consultant was irresponsible not to emphasise the risks of drinking while epileptic. You can't change the past, but you can move forward. I'm sorry you have to deal with this condition and I hope you don't have another seizure. Just give your husband time to come round.

I don't need to fact check, I have epilepsy myself, the AI version is correct, as is what you have written above and it will be exactly why her consultant told her to 'limit' her intake, it's not an exact science, some people like myself are not effected by it, some people are effected by strobe lighting, some people are effected by lack of sleep, dehydration.. it's not a one size fits all.

But in people that have alcohol as a trigger, small amounts you may get away with (as OP has in the past), large amounts you may not (which is what has happened now).

Easy to say. She's going to have to walk the walk and prove it.

She self experimented for the last couple of years and very luckily, no one else was hurt. She could have maimed or killed someone and ruined families.

Her husband has watched her drinking and increasing her intake for the past couple years and he's had it.

He may not get over how he feels about her risking everything for alcohol.