Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Before I even had a chance to speak to him, that’s a decision I came to, not to drink again, it’s just not worth the risk. I’ve told him I don’t need the ultimatum, the decisions already made for me.

No he’s not talking at all, even when it’s coming to the kids, which I hate because I don’t want them to feel the tension between us.

Yeah he does drink and he drinks more than I do. Its once every now and then for me, he can easy be drinking every weekend.

Of course people with epilepsy can drive, myself included. Many people with epilepsy are free from seizures with medication and statistically pose no higher risk than other people with different medical conditions. A neurologist will determine the outcome and usually it's when a person has been seizure free for a year. I take it very seriously, I look after my health, watch my caffeine and I never drink alcohol.

But he doesn’t have your condition, why make the comparison? There really isn’t one.

Thanks so much for your reply, I’m feeling so incredibly lonely and feel like I have no one to go to with this.

It only happened Sunday. Give him a chance to process and calm down? You said he's been supportive in the past, am sure he will again.

Hope you'll be ok going forward and yeah, time to stop the drink am afraid.

She should also be supporting herself! By her own admission, her seizures are impacted by alcohol. But she’s become complacent over the last couple of years. Why should he and the kids have to deal with the effects of that?

This.

No, I definitely am not drinking alcohol more regularly, just when I am out every now and then I have drank just a little bit more than what I had before.

i guess I just thought the tablets were doing their job, which they are just not when I push it too far.

So much for in sickness and in health hey?
You seem to be getting an awful lot of stick on this thread with not a lot of consideration what it is like to live with your condition.
Your husband is being totally immature and not helping the situation at all, I’m sure the children were scared but all this infantile behaviour from him will be making it worse for them so he’s hardly got the moral high ground.

Did your husband know your consultant told you practically no (to "minimise") alcohol?

That would be the only valid excuse for his overreaction in my opinion.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. Your consultant was on the fence, advised you to limit drinking not to stop, you didn't have direct evidence that every time you drink you have a seizure. It's hard work having a life long chronic health condition to manage and I hope your husband comes around soon. It sounds an awful experience for all of you.

Because I was asked the question…

Hi, OP. Sorry you’re going through this. In all honesty I come at it from two sides, as I have a DC who had a few seizures about 3 years ago (they were spaced about 9 months apart). He was diagnosed with epilepsy (as one is after experiencing two seizures) and was put on medication after the second episode. He has thankfully so far remained seizure free, and is now thriving at uni.

Obviously booze, drugs of any kind, and sleep deprivation is a bigger risk to him than other young people, and he knows this. He tries to be moderate but inevitably, there are nights when he drinks too much and goes to bed late.

He’s always been fine, thank god. But knowing how horrifically terrifying it is to watch someone you love have a seizure, part of me would love to minimise every single risk out there and forbid him from doing anything that increases the risk. That is probably where your DH is at right now…

HOWEVER, I also have to accept my DS is a young adult who will make his own choices, just as your DH should accept yours. He will take risks sometimes and I have to live with that…

Being seizure free for two years is ‘good’ in terms of your own risk decreasing, so it’s kind of understandable you weren’t that worried about drinking and triggering it.

Ultimately your DH should accept this and not be so prescriptive about what you are allowed and not allowed to do with regards to your own health xx

He was probably shit scared by the whole experience, plus the human reaction to thr consequences for the whole family - scared kids & 12 months of taxi driving. He may well have vented horribly to him mum & that's allowed, you don't need to hear it.

However, you are human. After a period where you've been drinking moderately with no ill effects, you pushed the boundaries and found out the hard way that, yes actually it IS the alcohol that sets off a seizure. Presumably you're not an alcoholic and you won't do it ever again.

So. Allow him to be pissed off for a bit, he might not want to be jolly best mates for a while but it's not okay to blank you in your own home. Tell him you're making yourself feel bad enough for both of them, so while you understand his anger, that everything he said has been noted and understood, the silent treatment needs to end now and then crack on as if everything is normal.

Extend yourself some grace - Don't keep crucifying yourself over something you deeply regret and cant change.youve learned a really horrible, hard lesson.

You can't second guess if he's thinking of leaving and if he does it sounds like won't be just down to this one incident, although that may be the narrative.he spins.

You both need to get on with focussing on your family and ride out a tricky 12 months, or he needs to shit and get off the pot if he's that unhappy.

He's angry, best leave him be for a while, learn from this, your health is very precious x

I’m not surprised that he’s furious. You can’t drive for a year which will put so much pressure on him and presumably others in your family/ network. You’ve done this.
You can never drink again. It will take time for him to let go of this - quite understandably.

I spoke to the children yesterday evening, and explained what happened to them and how sorry I was. And of course if it is avoidable in the future (I.e no more drinking alcohol) I will do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Obviously, I can’t do anything that might stop a random seizure.

I’m not sure how much this thread is going to help you as you are getting so many unsympathetic and judgy comments. My own view is that partners should support one another even when mistakes have been made. You know you’ve made a mistake and have had a horrible experience. Your DH should support you but it sounds like your marriage has other problems maybe?

Do you have a friend or sister you could talk to? Or might an epilepsy helpline be able to offer support?

OP I mean this really kindly but do you not see you are putting a lot on him?

If you cannot drive does that mean for 1y, everything - driving to parties, activities, holidays, supermarket shops, days out - is on him?

You say you need to focus on the kids, but he's the one who will have had to take care of them during or after your seizure. They may have been afraid you were dying, and he'll have had to manage that.

It's also not clear whether he is giving you the silent treatment (abusive) or just not ready to talk calmly about what happened (okay).

Plus tbh people are allowed to fall out of love and want to leave relationships. I really hope that is not happening to you. But, if he is unsure, I guess this may be for him one of those tipping points we all experience.

You have a health condition that massively impacts your life if it is not managed properly, and you failed in managing it correctly.

If me or my DH could not drive, due to where we live, and our commitments it would put huge strain on the remaining driver.

I’m with your DH, I’d be furious and disgusted.

Once again, PPs laying into the DH are way off the mark. The link between drinking and fitting is well known. So it being overtired which goes hand in hand with nights out drinking. The kids must have been terrified to see you fitting and DH vey worried. You need to take responsibility and stick to no drinking or just a very occasional drink. What he drinks is irrelevant.

He can quit too. In support of you!!

Glad to hear that your son’s epilepsy is controlled well with medication too. Makes all the difference once you get the right care plan in place.

thank you for your understanding reply.

if he’s not talking to you at all then that’s not emotional maturity on his part at best and abusive at worst. It’s manipulation. He’s entitled to his emotions but should not use them to bully.

If he can’t stop drinking then he cannot fathom how not only do you have to do that, but also accept it’s a life long condition. I wonder how he would feel if he had the diagnosis instead of you? How would you have reacted if roles were reversed? Perhaps he too would wobble especially if socialising involved alcohol? He can be both frustrated at the situation but also support you. If he is emotionally unable to understand that then that’s something he could explore with a therapist, if you both want to stay in the marriage.

And he quite rightly can do so!