Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

That's just the thing. Why did OP's husband blame the alcohol afterward? How did he know that OP had had a couple drinks the evening before?

How did he know at all that drinking alcohol in larger quantities can pose a risk?

Did the husband know what the consultant initially said/did they agree OP should limit drinking?

If OP promised she would limit drinking simply for the sake of playing it safe and then went back on her word that might explain what would otherwise be a massive overreaction.

OP shouldn't feel bad either way, her husband on the other hand needs to make amends. I'd appreciate my spouse limiting his drinking in solidarity. One of the worst things about lifelong illness is the loneliness, a little support goes a long way.

So despite being told by your consultant to minimise your drinking, over the last 2 years you have become complacent and been drinking even when you suspected that there was a link to seizures.

I struggle to see why you would ever drink given the risks and the inconvenience to the family and your husband who now has to drive because you can’t for an entire year.

I would be furious, you know the risks, it is dangerous for you and yet you still did it. Start behaving like an adult for goodness sake.

Wow. Just...wow. You don't seem to think OP or your own husband have very much value of their own lives.

As someone with a long term illness I'm appalled that people in my life might think my death worse for them than me. As someone who cares for someone with a disability I certainly don't think their death would be worse for me than them.

I would strongly suggest you reach out to an epilepsy support organisation because it sounds like you have profound carers fatigue.

To be fair, if I died from my epilepsy I wouldn’t know about it. I’m pretty sure my death would impact my husband, my children and family far more than it would me seeing as they’re the ones who are still alive and have cope with the trauma of losing me.

As someone with a long term illness I'm appalled that people in my life might think my death worse for them than me.

Are you being serious? You'll be dead, what difference would it make for you? The people you leave behind will be the ones that watch you die, that feel the guilt that they couldn't do more to save you, that have to live without you in their lives, to shoulder the responsibility of your whole life you built together alone, to support children who don't understand.

I do find this lack of empathy for people that love you really weird, How can you get offended that they may get tired, or stressed, or find witnesses seizures horrible, that the children that see find it traumatic.. it does not negate your feelings or minimise your illness in any way.. it's not a competition, both can exist at the same time, except people with epilepsy are blissfully unaware what is happening during a violent seizure, so are generally unaffected by how terrible it is to watch. Why be so affronted by the idea that caring for someone with epilepsy can be hard on the carers in a different way to how the person with it experiences their illness, and yes, sometimes it can be harder on the carer than the person with epilepsy IMO, I think the same about dementia too, but most others illnesses aren't comparable so there's no point comparing them.

I have epilepsy, I had a seizure and almost died in my sleep as a child, my mum, checking on me before going to bed, found me unconscious turning blue, she managed to save me, but if she hadn't have checked on me I may not be here now, she quietly lived with the fear of me suddenly dying for the rest of her life.. I didn't even know anything had even happened, and obviously live my life without that shadow hanging over me, if I die in my sleep, I die, I wouldn't even know... she definitely had it much worse in that regard.

Considering you shouldn’t have been drinking anything then that doesn’t apply does it!

Yet many people are afraid of dying, or just want to live, and takes steps to avoid death.

Hard to understand stand why when, from your perspective, once they’re dead, they’re dead and won’t know anything about it.

Extraordinarily odd viewpoint.

I think you’ve missed the point. You can fear death and do everything possible to avoid a potential early demise while still understanding that death stops all fear / sadness for you, but not for those left behind?

They’ll live with the fallout, not you.

@SandyHappy So do you believe that if someone is murdered painlessly in their sleep, why should they care? What difference will it make to them, they won’t know about it? We should only feel sorry for the relatives and friends left behind, not the person murdered?

That seems to be the conclusion of what you’ve said, perhaps I have misunderstood.

@KilkennyCats Can I ask you these questions too then?

I thought I’d already answered, but you don’t appear to be able to grasp the point.

No, you said death stops all fear and sadness, which I’m aware of. My questions were a bit more complex than that. I was asking out of curiosity to try to understand what seems to me a strange viewpoint, that death is essentially not a bad thing for the person involved, only for those left. But I’d prefer to discuss with people who are able to understand my questions and aren’t rude so not to worry further.

I think he sounds unsupportive (as are many of the replies here!) - it isn't fair or mature for him to treat you like this. You have epilepsy and you've had a seizure. It happens.
You say you've had a few issues in the relationship generally - I'm wondering if he might be using this as an excuse to get at you and deliberately overplaying it.

So do you believe that if someone is murdered painlessly in their sleep, why should they care?

Do you mean the person who has died? When you're dead you are incapable of 'caring' about anything. I'm honestly not really sure of the point you are making, or why you have introduced 'painless' murder into it, it's quite the odd concept.

IMO, death is the end point of your journey, free from caring, free from pain, free from everything. The people left behind are the ones that bear the weight of your death after you have passed.

Of course we should feel sorry for the person who has died, and feel awful that their life was cut short, and should demand justice for any wrong done to them (if that's the case), it's not that they cease to matter. But the person who has died can not feel sorry for themselves once they have died.

Thanks for replying. I introduced “painless” because a painful murder would obviously be bad for the victim and I wanted to understand whether you thought a non-painless murder would not be bad for the victim, only for those left, as you said in your previous post that if someone dies it makes no difference to them, only to those left.

I don’t understand how your clarification fits in with you disagreeing with this:

As someone with a long term illness I'm appalled that people in my life might think my death worse for them than me.

But anyway, I am hugely going off the topic of OPs thread so won’t derail further.

It's not ok for you to say your doctor can't really say there's a link between drinking and seizures. That comes across as excusing yourself.

You know there's a link. You carried on regardless. You put your husband and kids - and even yourself - through a very upsetting incident as a result.

He's right to tell you you have to choose. And clearly it's not family over drinking every time, or this wouldn't have happened.

Be honest with yourself over this.

I don’t understand how your clarification fits in with you disagreeing with this:
As someone with a long term illness I'm appalled that people in my life might think my death worse for them than me.

I think death IS worse for the people left behind.. purely because the person who has died can no longer feel anything, only the people left behind continue to suffer, they carry the pain of it going forward.

But up to the point of death, I think dying is far worse for the person dying than the loved ones, because the person dying has to not only experience it themselves, the pain the suffering, the fear, the possible guilt, but they also have to watch their loved ones suffer, and not be able to do anything to relieve their suffering.

So in the same breath, if you had an illness like epilepsy, where you are oblivious while having a seizure and don't remember it afterwards, but the people that love and care for you are the ones most effected during that time, and it CAN be traumatic, it's not at all wrong to say that part of the illness impacts them more than it does me.

Whereas having the illness itself, the constraints of it, the headaches, the after affects of seizures, having to take medication and how that affects you, having side effects, that is all worse for the person with epilepsy, but that really goes without saying.

Now her husband has to drive everywhere for a year, because she chose to have a 'few too many' on one night.

Your husband is being horrible. Your consultant dudn’t tell you not to drink and it sounds like you don’t do so often. I can understand him being upset and wanting you not to risk drinking again but given you also agree it’s better to not drink at all the silent treatment is completely unwarranted.

Your post hints that there are other issues and I think it seems like he’s just using this as an excuse to blame you for something. My DH has hurt himself a couple of times doing something a bit foolish (DIY related) and while I might tell him to be more careful/ not do it again my main concern is making sure he’s ok I can’t imagine ignoring him or punishing him for it.

And that could have happened without the alcohol, bought on by stress or medication not being as effective. Would the Husband get to be an arsehole then? Or is it only because it was after drinking alcohol,something OP has done a number of times in the 2 years she has been seizure free and the Husband said nothing then?

So say this was bought on by stress and not alcohol because there is still no guarantee it was the alcohol, would you still think its ok that her Husband ignores her for days for having a health condition that has now stopped her driving?

@SandyHappy thanks for explaining your point of view.

Can't believe how many armchair neurologists we have on the thread who absolutely know that the only possible seizure trigger the OP could have is alcohol.

Correlation does not equal causation. It could have been triggered by something else. The correlation justifies cutting out alcohol completely from now on to gather further data, but it doesn't justify castigating the OP like this.

If the OP continues to have seizures in the future despite being teetotal, I do hope her husband and assorted Mumsnetters will queue up to apologise for their behaviour.

op KNOWS it is a trigger and has told us that, people aren't pulling that information out of their arse to bash her over the head with it.

It has always been a trigger for her, so much so in fact that when she usually drinks she doesn't drive for a couple of days after as she knows the two are linked from previous experiences.

You are absolutely right, but I think OP knows better than everyone here what her triggers are and people are just taking that at face value.

Sorry but his behaviour is soundingmore and more like the beginning of 'The Script'.

You are to blame for everything OP, Global warming included, you won't be able to do right for doing wrong.

Be prepared.

At no point has OP said she knows alcohol is a trigger. She says she suspects it. She also says that she hasn’t had a seizure in two years before this one, and has experimented with drinking alcohol a bit more. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and I’m not convinced that OP having a few drinks the night before has been the only trigger, given the hot weather and various other known factors she’s mentioned.