Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

It would be very unusual for heavy drinking to trigger seizures hours later. Generally you have a seizure because you're drunk and it changes your physiological reaction to your meds and other triggers.

But you'd just had a stressful day out with 3 kids, and you and your husband have had problems recently. It is much more likely to be caused by stress than alcohol hours ago.

I'm sorry your kids witnessed your seizure- mine saw me taken away in an ambulance after one through their bedroom window. I didn't find out until they told me when older. It is utterly horrible to think your kids were distressed, but you cannot help being ill and it is not your fault, whatever anyone else says. It is important they know what to do if you have a seizure, and to know that you will be fine afterwards (you won't feel it, but they dont need to know).

I think you need to think seriously about the future if your husband is blaming you for seizing. You could get worse, your triggers could change. It could go away for no reason (happened to me). But his need to blame you is concerning, and I think you would be wise to make plans for the future in case he is preparing to leave. Some people are just frightened of epilepsy, it is hugely stigmatised, and he is displaying a profound lack of understanding of neurological function. I'm sorry he's like this, but for the sake of yourself and your kids he either needs to change or leave.
You have enough challenges being an epileptic parent, without a partner who is so unsupportive and cruel making it harder for you.

In all honesty OP, I don't think his hostile attitude has anything to do with your seizure. I think you know that deep down.

Yes I understand his fear but his on-going hostility is a sign of something much deeper. He likely wants out.
Your seizure has amplified his resentment towards you and how 'trapped' he is.

What was the concern with the other woman?

I honestly think that's the bigger issue in your marriage OP. The epilepsy attitude is just a symptom of what's underneath the surface.

I have no idea why people here are being judgy but do not beat yourself up for having a drink. It can take years and years to work out what is likely to make you have a seizure and what your thresholds are. Your husband's behaviour sounds outrageous! He should be supporting you fgs, not attacking you!

Yes, it's scary for the kids to see but you didn't choose to have epilepsy, and you can teach them what happened and give them all the reassurance they need. Mine got very protective of me after the first one they saw, but now it doesn't bother them at all.

She drank on Saturday, she fitted on Sunday. So she wouldn't have been drink driving, but she would have been driving when her risk of seizure was higher.

@TaupeBird
You've admitted you were not always wise about your epilepsy but taking recourse via what you're now doing /understanding
So its no alcohol ever again whilst
For your husband to totally be over the top like this and show hate whilst badmouthing you to his mother could be paving the way for possible separation that he doesn't want to sort out/talk with you?
I totally understand his annoyance, the ripple effect/inconvenience from all this that he will shoulder so
Just be mindful of everything now.

Sorry, OP, but I’d be mighty pissed off if dh’s drinking got him a 12 month driving ban. That would put a huge strain on me and I’d be absolutely furious with him right now. I think you’ve made a very foolish decision knowing the huge consequences for your family. This is obviously not the first time and if he’s having to say things like it’s the alcohol or your family, then I think you are minimising the seriousness of all of this.

I have multiple health conditions that mean I can’t drink. I haven’t had a drink in over 3 years. It’s completely fine. I actually much prefer it to drinking and I don’t miss it at all. You need to put your big girl pants on, be accountable for how badly you’ve screwed this up and wait for him to come around. Then you can discuss how to handle this going forward.

I'm amazed how many armchair critics are happy to conclude that the drinking and the seizure are linked. It sounds like there were at least 12 hours between the drinking and the seizure, and there's no way to say that the two are linked at all, let alone be livid at the OP for her behaviour.

My husband has epilepsy. It's annoying for me that he can't drive, it's horrible for both of us when he has a seizure, but to be angry at him for having a seizure is beyond my comprehension. Maybe the seizure and the alcohol are linked, but at most the OPs behaviour is ill advised not totally reckless.

Don’t blame yourself. It may have happened anyway drink or no drink. That’s pretty nasty of your DH, flipping heck.

Her drinking didn't get her a driving ban! She isnt able to drive as she has epilepsy and had a recent fit. It could have been the alcohol causing it, it could also have been the stress or a busy day or her meds not working as effectively. The OP thinks it could be the alcohol but she has also had alcohol a number of times and been absolutely fine but you are focusing on this as an absolute.

OP has already said she isnt going to drink any more. But stress very easily could have been the cause but all these posters dont see any concern that piling onto someone with a health condition could exacerbate that, because its far easier to make someone feel shitty than try and help them!

OP I understand if your Husband had initial concern and shock but this is days later, you have poor health and if he had any real concerns about your drinking he would have said previously but he happily had a glass or 2 of wine with you on multiple occasions. Which leads me to believe its not about the alcohol. Days and days of silent treatment is abusive, have you pointed out that stress can add to seizures and that him acting like this could trigger things just as much? Would that make him change his actions or would it not because his want to have a strop is actually more important than your health.

You have a health issue, you may well have made a mistake with the drinking but you owned it and you are changing your actions in future. If he is still trying to punish you to make himself feel superior days later I would ask him to examine what he is hoping to achieve. You also say this is normal for days of silent treatment, I would consider some therapy to discuss why this has become the norm, how you feel about that and whether you feel this is something you want to continue to be in regardless of his feelings. Then perhaps that can help you figure whether you want to take the time to address it with him in the hope of either improving things or splitting down the line.

Coming back to this thread. I posted already as the parent of a young person with (well-controlled) epilepsy. Please stop laying into the OP. I'm sympathetic to her DH because I know very well how frightening it is to witness a loved one have a seizure...

HOWEVER, the scaremongering and the way people are telling her off is getting ridiculous. My DC (a teenager when he experienced the seizures) was fortunate enough to be treated by a world-leading neurological consultant. Here are some things to understand:

1. The longer you go without a seizure, the less your risk is judged to be. This is why the DVLA declares you safe to drive 12 months after you have a seizure. The fact that the OP had been seizure free for over two years and is on medication, would mean that her risk for a breakthrough seizure would be, from a medical perspective, very low. That's not to say it can't happen, as it did in OPs case, but it's quite surprising. It's understandable OP would have felt confident to lead her life not always in a state of absolute caution, all the time.

2. Risks of alcohol. This was discussed quite extensively with the consultant. There are many, many, possible triggers with seizures - with my son it seemed to be viral illness. I know a few people with epilepsy (aside from my son) and none of them have ever been told to cut alcohol out altogether to my knowledge. Yes, the OP could do this, but it's about making a balanced judgement. There are some risks we cannot fully minimise, like getting a temperature or being tired. It sounds to me like OP has managed her alcohol intake pretty sensibly - it's not like she went on a three day bender. Breakthrough seizures can occur for a number of reasons. (And just to add - ALL of us have the potential to have a seizure, we just have different thresholds).

3. The 'but you might die!' comments. Obviously, as the parent of a child who has had seizures, I am (and will always be) utterly terrified of the possibility. But our consultant was very clear to point out that (in my son's case at least) he is 5 times more likely to be hit by a car and die, than he is to die from a seizure. Sadly, most people who do die are, in most cases, severely epileptic (ie their seizures are very frequent and aren't controlled with medication) and/or have underlying health conditions.

I just felt obliged to say this because the last thing the OP needs is people throwing misinformation around and being unsympathetic. Yes, it's distressing for her partner - but he should be more sympathetic too.

It may have had nothing to do with a couple of drinks and even if it has there’s no need for this over the top reaction. Anyone can become ill or have an accident at any time. Life can change over night and getting worked up because you have to do the driving is ridiculous.

The thing is, he drinks but doesn’t have seizures because of alcohol. You do.

Alcohol is a known epilepsy trigger and can cause anti seizure medication to not work properly.

Thank you so much for this response, it’s helped me so much!
I was on the “emergency” waiting list for 11 months, before going private. When I went private I got my NHS appointment through and I went to both but the private consultant had already prescribed the medication.
When I went to the NHS appointment, the doctor/consultant I had, wasn’t an official neurologist but had some experience, turns out we don’t have neurologists in the region I stay in.

Bloody hell some of the replies on here are just batshit. Yes drink may cause seizures, but, and this will blow some minds, so does sex. I'd bet a kidney that if the OP had said it happened the morning after she's had sex with her husband, nobody would be saying "ah well it's your own fault, you must never have sex again", but because it was after a couple of drinks (I doubt the OP got pissed), the OP is the worst wife/mother in the world.
The only thing I would say is the DC (or at least the older ones), should have been told about it when the OP was diagnosed and had it explained in an age appropriate way. DD was 12 when DP had a seizure in front of her the first time but because it had all been talked about beforehand, she knew what it was and afterwards she just continued to watch the film that was on when the seizure happened.

The OP's "D"H is an arse though.

Was it your fault though? You have epilepsy and your consultant said there may or may not be a link to drinking. It could have been anything that triggered it.

The consultant said they couldn’t say With alcohol Was a contributing factor or not so they suggested limiting alcohol

Which is exactly what the OP did

Limiting doesn’t mean stop. And the OP states she wasn’t drunk she just could feel the effects of alcohol on this occasion

You seem to know more than the consultant does because the consultant said there was no way of knowing and suggested limiting alcohol not stopping it

so for two years, the OP has been drinking alcohol and she hasn’t had a seizure. On this occasion, she had a little more alcohol Not enough to get drunk, not Paralytic, Just enough to feel effect a little

This is not wild reckless stupid behaviour

In that specific case it can’t be said, but it’s well known that alcohol is a trigger. Why risk it? Especially when OP knows there is a pattern

How would the OP know there is a pattern if it hasn't happened before? It will have needed to happen a few times beforehand for the OP to know that.

I agree with your husband. You put alcohol above your health and the impact on your family.

OP says in their main post that they’re aware there is a link.

A consultant can’t sit and say “this is the cause”, because if they did and she had a seizure despite avoiding alcohol she could sue them.

Do you never do anything that might not be totally good for you?
People who have an illness are no different to everyone else. Sometimes they let their guard down. Especially when they haven’t specifically been told by a consultant not to do something.

A link isn't a pattern.

Of course it is.

No it isn't.

A link - "well x might cause y"
A pattern - " every time you do x, y happens".