Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Demonising?

It's a factual description. There's a reason why YouTube won't show videos of a tonic clonic seizure.

We know what epilepsy is now, we don't call a priest to get them exorcised any more. There is no question of demonising anyone.

Except all the women on this thread demonising the husband.

My thoughts are with everyone who deals with this themselves or for a loved one, especially in their children and especially in late onset cases where this is thrown at you with no warning at all.

@Imdunferre read your posts and then mine….you are very harsh on your op. I wonder if you hold resentment to your husband.
its all me, me, me…how it affects you etc….

you have never had a seizure, you don’t know how it affects them for days after, my husband dislocates his shoulder when he has a TC. They compare it to your body doing a marathon. The brain fog etc. I’ve seen lots of seizures in my job and nothing is like when your loved one has one. I’m heartbroken each time and worried I’m going to loose him. My husbands are so violent, his blood vessels burst in his face and his tongue is hacked to bits as well as his poor shoulders that has required x2 surgeries.

Yes it’s awful to witness, my husband feels euphoria before having one, a lot of people have the dread prior to having one.
But he is the one that is feeling guilty and upset with epilepsy, worried incase he feels like a burden(which he is not!!) worried about our daughter, worried about me.

Public transport exists. Many of us survive without cars full time!

I don't think you took a crazy selfish risk - it's not as if your doctor told you never to drink alcohol and you ignored him.

You don't know if the alcohol was the trigger or not, please don't be so hard on yourself, and try to ignore the more judgemental posters, they're here to judge, not helped.

That said if I got a scarw like you have, I'd give up drinking too, just in case.

Your husband is being incredibly unsupportive - it shouldn't be about blame. I would suggest that he gives up drinking too, to support you.

Have to say, this entire thread has been vvv eye opening. It’s really quite abhorrent that people have said it’s worse to witness a seizure than to have one and also very interesting the frequency with which the word ‘trauma’ is thrown around.

Epilepsy is a medical condition. You have done nothing wrong and I’m so sorry people are making you feel as if you have.

I don't hold one shred of resentment against my husband.

Likening people having a seizure to apocalypse movie zombies is factual is it? Yeah, of course it is. And what does your graphic description add to the discussion? OP knows what happens, she knows it is distressing for all concerned.

Yes it was factual. If reality disturbs people then perrhaps people should stop demonising her husband.

Do you think the DH is supporting his children well by refusing to speak to their mum and making an atmosphere at home?

Do you think adults should be able to put their own feelings aside when they are upset/angry/frightened in order to support their children who may also be upset/frightened? Or not?

Do you 100% know OP’s seizure was caused by her drinking alcohol?

If you had wanted it to be a "factual description" you would have likened it to a breakdancing competition rather than a Zombie apocalypse.

If you didn't have a driving licence I'd be totally on your side. But the fact you drink knowing it can induce seizures AND you have a driving licence is pretty galling tbh.

Can I just say OP how sorry I am that you are going through this - regardless of my post previously explaining why it might be a good idea to give up due to someone I know having a stroke post a drinking binge, I really do feel for you - I used to be a nurse many many years ago and the first full one I saw really shook me ( 12 year old) - it’s frightening for everyone including you and I do think your H needs to just grow up, talk to you and encourage you to not risk it if it seems to be a noticeable trigger ( I like a wine or two myself socially so know it’s not easy) it does sound a bit like things aren’t that great generally and this is something else he can beat you up with - my H did exactly the same with me and smoking after he got caught out having an emotional affair and didn’t like the fact he was no longer top dog in my eyes - if I was you I would be looking at your marriage with fresh eyes- will be thinking of you xx

Am very surprised at the advice from the consultant. I was told by the hospital no alcohol at all, bad for both the epilepsy and the epilepsy meds. My gp said that the odd, very odd, glass of wine would probably be okay. I followed that for almost 25 years. Boring but better than seizures. It isn’t easy being with someone with chronic health conditions so I try to minimise the impact on my family by following whatever keeps me healthiest.

A decent man would see that you and the children were OK, conclude that he couldn't be certain that it was the alcohol that triggered the seizure but have an open and honest conversation about it a few days later in a calm way.
Like, 'sweetheart, you know it could be the alcohol.'

This man has not done this: he's either abusive or wants to leave.

I'm not surprised at some of the responses here taking his side.
My best friend was married to an abusive arsehole who was forever triangulating with his family members who just could not see what he was doing.
One of the family members who supported him without question was an Oxbridge graduate and part of her degree was concerned with domestic abuse so she really should have known better being so educated about the subject so I shouldn't be surprised really.

Your husband sounds like a twat, and he is milking this for all its worth.

It's not shocking that people find witnessing it traumatic, I have had epilepsy most of my life, it wasn't until I witnessed my sister having a seizure that I realised how scary it is for the people on the outside.. not being able to do anything to help and just having to wait until it fizzles itself out, or in worse case make the decision to get medical attention because it has been going on to long, being in charge of 3 children who are also witnessing it for the first time will have been no picnic.

It's nothing to do with finding it shameful or embarrassing, it genuinely is quite terrifying if you've never witnessed it before.

The people with epilepsy don't get to see that part, it's generally lights out, then waking up feeling like shit and wondering what all the fuss is about.

I have done well to ignore the negative replies, but frankly, this one is outrageous.
I love my husband, and don’t want anyone to think badly of him.
pretty low of you and inconsiderate to tell me my medical condition causes my kids more trauma than anything else that might be going on.
I sincerely hope that you are never impacted by life long condition that takes you some time to navigate.

Oh for goodness sake, I’m not an alcoholic. No questions asked I absolutely will “walk the walk”

Anytime I do have a drink, which is not often, I NEVER drive for a couple of days afterwards.

Depending on certain arguments, we can go a couple of days of not talking but usually still speak about the kids and we have been working on trying not to let things go on too long.

I've seen one and I think the husband is absolutely not helping here. I held my nephew while his Dad had a fit. We didn't make a big deal out of it, it was just 'Oh, Daddy's having a fit, he'll be ok soon.' Anyone on here putting the boot in to the OP isn't helping at all.

I NEVER drive the day after drinking alcohol and sometimes even 2/3 days after.

Yes, we’ve drank a few glasses of wine together, and he has said “we know that you’re ok drinking a a couple of glasses”. I just feel like, I’d rather just not do it and that way I won’t be pushing the boundaries.

How is with you now? Have you spoken about it any more?

That’s an odd thing to say off the cuff. Had you asked for reassurance?