Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

No, absolutely not.
before my diagnosis, yes, but since, absolutely not.

But the seisure might have come on the 3rd or 4th day, you never know! E. as you experienced it is very unpredictable.
In any case now you aren't drinking or driving so that won't be an argument any more.

I was on the fence about your posts until this.

You have been fine drinking the last few years and been drinking around your DH. I think his reaction is completely OTT considering he was fine with you drinking previously. He was fine with the risks until it didn't suit him it appears.
It seems from your posts you have always assessed the risks and put things in place previously (not driving a few days after drinking mentioned in one of your posts). I get he is upset but he can't go from a few glasses of wine are ok to its totally unacceptable in one instance.

I'd leave him to cool down. He's obviously upset your children had to witness your seizure but instead of berating you, he should be supporting you in given up alcohol now. Talking to you about it and what can be done going forward.......which is what any supportive partner would do.

He is worried, he is heartbroken the children witnessed it. No he shouldn't be refusing to talk to you. You chose to drink to excess knowing you shouldn't. You need to own that, This weekend you really do need to sit down and talk but you also need to admit that you need to abstain from alcohol completely. Are you being honest with yourself about how much you drink?

Still not talking, I’ve arranged to go for a walk with a friend tonight as I just feel like I need someone to talk to.
I messaged him and he said “ok”.

No

Op , I think you should step away from this thread . Some of the comments are disgusting.
If your family were terrified or traumatised by your seizure activity, they do need to be educated on how to manage seizures. You have epilepsy. Next week it could be extremes of heat that cause a seizure . Or an infection. Or a stomach bug . Or actually nothing, no reason. The people around you should know what they need to do and be able to remain calm.

He's being really shitty by giving you the silent treatment still - it's incredibly unfair.

Have you let your Neurology team know what has happened?

Hopefully with a tweak of your meds and a change in approach to alcohol you can get things under control again.

100%, he would tell you himself that I’m not a big drinker.

Yes, I was in touch with them and DVLA first thing Monday morning.

I agree with this poster .
I do think it will have been terrifying for him and the kids though .
I wouldn’t trust him at the moment. If you think he hasn’t been right for a while he may well be using this situation to leave , would he take the kids with him ?
Why does he need to keep what him and his mother spoke about as private . If it’s about you ?

I do sympathise OP - I've had epilepsy for 26 years and it has come with God knows how many different types of heartbreak. It's a really shitty condition to live with 😥

You say you feel like hes wanted 'out' of the relationship for a while and may be using this for a reason.

Forget the epilepsy for a minute. Let's unpick that. Why do you feel that way?

His angry reaction would make sense if he's actually not feeling you like he used too.

There's a lunatic fringe for sure. It might be horrible to witness but the OP is suffering far more than any witness. Her 'D'H is making it far worse than he needs to as a deliberate act against her to boot. He is making it worse for the DC too with his infantile behaviour.

One day he might need her to help him out when he gets sick and she would do well to tell him to fuck right off.

So he's OK with you drinking one day but not the next?
He's messing with your head.
See if he was really that concerned, he'd always be unhappy about your drinking.
So it's not care for your wellbeing at all. He doesn't give a fig about it.

My friend with an abusive ex was the same: always telling her she was too fat how it was really bad for her health.
Didn't care enough to go along with a healthy eating plan with her though. Still wanted chips with everything.

He's an abuser or he just wants to leave and is looking for an excuse.

I hope it's the latter. It's by far the lesser of two evils.

Good 🍀 to you.

I completely understand why he took it badly, but I think it has gone on a bit too long now. With your updates it does seem to be something you have been experimenting with for a few years and he has even been part of that experimentation, which infers he was tolerant of you drinking as long as nothing was going wrong, but he knew the risks, so his anger does seem out of proportion, unless he has been encouraging you not to drink.. his 'choose alcohol or the kids' does seem quite a strong reaction out of nowhere.

The fact that you don't drive for a day after you drink is quite telling though, that means you absolutely did know there was a link between the two things and chances of you having a seizure were high enough for you to put a plan in place for driving in the days afterwards, as someone with epilepsy I actually can't get my head around that, losing consciousness driving is probably the worst case scenario, but you could have been alone with your kids and had a seizure, been in the bath, fell down the stairs etc..

I'm not sure I could respect someone who knew the risk was high enough to not drive after, but wouldn't stop putting themselves and our kids at risk by opting out of drinking altogether, which has now culminated in you not being able to drive again, but only you will know if that is how your husband feels.

I don’t want to add fuel to fire here, because there is already a lot of negative feelings towards him, but things have been a bit up and down recently.

I feel like he is with me because we have 3 children together and he appreciates me as their mother not as his wife. The way he has dealt with this situation makes me think that he honestly doesn’t even care about me anymore, it’s all about how long he can be annoyed at me for. He can’t look at me, he can’t tell me he loves me. Feel like I’ve just pushed him further away now.

i pulled him up for speaking to another woman the week before which he says was just friendly chat but if so don’t know why he wouldn’t tell me.

I’m just feeling very broken right now.

I think there are two sides to this.
You did put yourself at risk, and I can understand why he would feel angry, frightened and shaken by that. The silent treatment is incredibly wrong and hurtful, but if that isn’t his usual reaction, it may be that he is struggling to process his anger and fear at the moment.
That said, in a long-term marriage, I do think you have to work through things together. After what could have been a near-death experience, it is understandable that you would want and need your husband beside you, supporting you through the aftermath.
You’ve made it clear to him that there is no choice between alcohol and the children, but now he needs to see that consistently through your actions as well as your words.
I really feel for you, OP. This is a time when you’d want your husband by your side. I suspect, in time, he may come around — he may be reacting from fear, having come so close to the possibility of losing you.

What have you been doing since OP, have you been trying to cajole him, trying to get him to talk etc?

If you are I'd stop doing that, he's had enough time to process his feelings and be able to articulate them so if he is still snubbing you then there is definitely more to it. No 'loving and supportive' husband would continue to see you suffer and carry on trying to punish you so you may have to consider that while you have been rubbing along okay recently, there is something more to this situation that you may be unaware of, you can't control his reactions, but you can certainly control your own and you don't have to keep throwing yourself on your sword for him, enough is enough.

Out of interest is you losing your license going to affect him and his free time now? Will he have a lot of running around to do for you and the kids? Could that be why he is so angry at you but can't admit it?

I don’t know why you’re getting such stick OP, but there’s a part of MN that gets very puritanical about alcohol and are posting as if you’ve been drinking significantly/been cavalier and careless when from what it says, it sounds as though you have a couple of drinks fairly infrequently, certainly no more than most average adults who DON’T have a problem with alcohol. It sounds like your DH has been speaking to you in that vein too, as though you’re an alcoholic (and also as though you should be ‘ashamed’ of your behaviour), when frankly your consultant was not clear with you that it’s an issue with your condition. So, a frightening and upsetting experience for all of you and I’m sorry you went through that, but given you’ve now made the link yourself and clearly decided that alcohol doesn’t work for you, that should be it. Frankly your DH should be supporting you, and taking care of you following your seizure, not berating you, and sulking - utterly childish and unacceptable to ‘opt out’ of family life like that particularly where there are children.

I agree with this. There is no exact formula to achieve 100% seizure management, so it is his responsibility as a father and husband to be prepared that OP could have one and to reassure the children if they're present.

OP is already diagnosed with epilepsy, so it's obviously not the first one she's ever had. He shouldn't be still 'recovering' from witnessing it on Tuesday, never mind today.

Just to add, I have read such a depressing number MN posts where the OP, a woman, has been very ill, had an accident, become disabled, developed an illness or something similar, ie in a way that requires her DH to step up and care, and yes, caregiving is incredibly hard on the carer (I speak from experience), or not give care but just otherwise take on more of the domestic load than they previously were, and instead of being a loving and supportive husband and demonstrating his commitment to the “in sickness and in health” part of the marriage vows, he gets angry, takes it out on his wife, and just generally does not step up to the plate.

I would be slightly wary if the OP’s husband starts finding other ways to ‘blame’ some aspect of the OP’s behaviour if she has another seizure.

This has got sweet F. A. to do with your seizure.
He's thinking about another woman and thinking how blissful things would be with her.
Lashing out to the current wife/husband is a classic example of somebody demonising the person they're cheating/thinking of cheating so they feel less guilty.

So I'm inclined to believe that he's 'just' a cowardly piece of shit rather than an abuser.
How close is he to the kids? Would he be prepared to fight you over custody?

Doubt it, his new 'love' wouldn't want the hassle.

I don't think this has got anything to do with the seizure at all and after your further revelations (which to be honest are a bit drip feeds, though I don't blame you and am not criticising) so please don't beat yourself up about it.

I agree. Oh sure you see an old man pushing his wife around in a wheelchair and they truly are devoted. It's humbling.

Exception rather than rule, though.

You both need to sit and talk

Does he want out of the marriage? It is much more common for a man to want to leave a relationship/family when a medical diagnosis is received. Fucking cowardly if you ask me but that is what happens.

If he does then trying to keep this stuck together is pointless. Resentment will build on both sides until it explodes.

But if you both have the he love and drive to work this out, stay together and continue to build a family life together you both need to work out how that can happen. What everyone needs and what everyone needs to do.

I would hate not having the freedom medically to have a few drinks during social weekend and my H would hate me being sober all the time. We would work it out and not drinking isn’t the end of the world. Being punished because that’s what he’s doing to you for messing up is out of order regardless of mistake.

You have three children in the centre of this. You and him need to decide what is best for you all moving forward. That might be together or it might not. The silent treatment to get his own way is far worse than having a bit of a blow out. You had a seizure, you have epilepsy, your children need to be aware of this. It’s nothing to be afraid of or scarred by it’s just a medical fact. They will be fine @TaupeBird - bit freaked out first time sure but they will be fine.

You need to think, don’t want to stay with him if he doesn’t change?