Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

Surely the link, if you’re going to be pedantic, is enough?

No because if DP didn't do anything because of a link he would not

Watch T.V
Go to the cinema
Get too hot
Get too cold
Get too hungry
Do any excercise
Get stressed
Stay up after 9pm
Allow himself to be too happy/sad/excited
Have sex
Sit in front of a computer screen

and countless other things that can be a link to a seizure. As it is we know what his main trigger is after it happened a few times ( a pattern), so that is avoided now and , guess what, it's not alcohol.

Okay but this isn’t about your partner.

OP has said there is a pattern between her drinking and having seizures.

I'm sorry to hear you had a seizure after not having one for a long time and that it was in front of people you'd rather not have one with .
However , I'm surprised you regularly take the risk by having alcohol as you know it has been a trigger in the past .
I'm afraid I'm a little with your husband on it . No driving for a year is an extra strain on him plus if he is not at home and an emergency arrives or an important appointment for to or your kids then of course you will be unable to do anything .
That alone would be enough for me not to drink .
Before you say .... yes but ..... Two years ago I had a medical emergency that I feel I am lucky to still be alive ( brain related ) and I am on medication for life , so I have chosen to not drink partly due to the medication but also because I choose to value my health .

The same can be said of anyone who drinks a drop ever. All alcohol has health risks associated. Do you tell everyone who drinks that they are putting alcohol above their health and family? See also anyone who doesn’t eat a perfect diet, or doesn’t exercise regularly.

So many absolutely perfect people on MN who never do anything with any level of risk to their health (but with absolutely no empathy or kindness whatsoever).

The doctor can’t say “this is the cause” because it isn’t true. Many people have mentioned other causes/triggers on this very thread. Are you under the misapprehension that alcohol is the only cause? Where did you get that idea from?

I completely agree with this and was coming on here to say exactly the same thing.

@TaupeBird there is more going on here under the surface! All seems very convenient the being so incandescent with rage at you, at a point you were raising contact with another woman and were feeling as though he was being distant! Be careful you’re not so busy prostrating yourself for his forgiveness you miss something!

That’s not what I said.

I said OP knows there is a link between her consuming alcohol and her having a seizure. She chose to drink, and chose that over her children’s comfort.

Our friend had his first seizure on a beach abroad, it was terrifying for us adults who witnessed it, so your kids must’ve been very scared. But it’s also not something you can change and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over that. You must not drink anymore, it’s not worth it. Your husband is worried about you, this is unfortunately his way of dealing with it (which I don’t agree with btw)

He’s still recovering from the horrible shock of seeing you like that and having to support you and three children all at the same time. So his distress and fear is manifesting as anger. And in his head he sees it as a self induced seizure.

Write him a note. Tell him you fully understand his feelings. Tell him you’re sorry, that you love him. That this has been a huge wake up call for you. That you wont drink alcohol again. Leave the note somewhere for him to find. And then just be patient.

I can't believe some of the harsh replies you've had on here. There is a small but vocal subset of mumsnet posters who seem to take great pleasure in kicking people when they're down. I always think they must be pretty miserable individuals themselves.

Your DH sounds like an arse and that he was looking for an excuse to be angry and distance himself from you. He should be working with you as a team to help your children process what happened if that was really what this was all about.

OP had a seizure because she has epilepsy.

No-one knows what triggered this particular seizure. Not OP’s doctor, not OP, not even you. The only known definite cause is because OP has epilepsy.

No-one needs to apologise to anyone for having epilepsy.

@SandyHappy I think your posts are the most insightful on this thread.

I don't think the DH behaviour is great but it does sound like he is having second thoughts about the marriage.

And that is okay. It is really really shit if you are still in love with your spouse - but people are allowed to leave relationships when they are unhappy.

For me, I am in an unhappy marriage and feel I can't leave (yet) for various reasons. My husband also has a chronic condition which he doesn't manage well. I feel angry and resentful at him often, NOT because he has a health condition, buf because he doesn't engage fully with medical advice and there are consequences for our family.

I do not know - but based on OP's updates, I wonder if a more charitable reading of the husband is that he would like to leave but now feels he can't, because the severity of her illness has been brought home to him and he would feel like a tool leaving.

That would explain his extreme reaction, as he is not thinking how can I support my wife, he's thinking, can this person I don't actually want to be with reasonably live independently / be with the kids on her own, and how does that change my life.

You are a human coping with a difficult situation. You deserve kindness and compassionnot not judgement. You are obviously a loving caring mum. Atthe moment your partner is not doing what he should be doing i.e. loving and supporting you. As you have just has this very upsetting health episode you need to be kind to yourself and let a coupke of weeks pass before you decide what to do. Good luck.

I would also say there are 2 things that jumped out at me-

1 OP was upset that he vented to his mum. I think this is fine. In my own marriage troubles I've confided to my sister. Why can't people lean on close family for emotional support when they are in trouble?

2 OP "pulled him up" because he had a "friendly chat" with a woman. We don't have more detail but on the face of it, this seems unfair.

OP can you say more about why you think he is unhappy?

I totally get there may be more to it, but if any man told me I was not allowed to vent privately to my own mum or talk to another guy, I would see them as controlling.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff @Sunshinemoonlightboogie

Yes I think we're all on the same page here. The epilepsy has just highlighted and strengthend the resentment.

He now has even more responsibility that he can't walk away from without an even bigger impact, especially as she will loose her license for year meaning much more of a dependancy on him.

Be careful OP because of this is the case, he might stick around but his disdain for you will grow much bigger and deeper and you will end up with such low self esteem. You'd both be suffering.

I'd push the epilepsy to the side for now, the seizure is done. Focus on the marriage before the resentment gets in too deep.

And in his head he sees it as a self induced seizure.

Well, that's the little thing he needs to chuck out of his head, isn't it?

OP's husband and mumsnetters alike have latched onto alcohol as a definitive cause of seizures, and we simply do not know that. Epilepsy management is complicated. She's been having moderate amounts of alcohol occasionally for the last two years and no seizures.

In the OP's place or the place of her husband, I would consider that alcohol could be a contributory factor to seizures, but I absolutely would not lull myself into a false sense of security by assuming it was the only factor, because it clearly isn't.

Other factors might have been the summer heatwave, long trip out with the kids, the particular stage of OP's menstrual cycle, stress at work, tiredness...

Maybe she wouldn't have had a seizure despite drinking, if she'd had a quiet Sunday in instead of the day out. Or maybe without the alcohol, she would have had a breakthrough seizure some point later this week.

We don't know, and nor does her husband. But he does know she has epilepsy, so he should be prepared for the sight of her having a seizure. If he can't cope with the reality that humans can have medical crises, St John's Ambulance run first aid courses. He can sign up to one. Seriously, all the posts on here about how traumatic it is to see a seizure have really left me feeling nauseated. Goodness, how dare the OP have a medical condition.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff see I think he's vented to his mum and not wanted to know the OP what he'd said in order to set the ground work.

To exaggerate the incident and other issues e.g she's a drinker, doesn't care about her kids etc.

When people want 'out' they often exaggerate or plant seeds with people. That way when they leave it's no suprise and they're also not seen as 'the bad one' for leaving the family.

Now her epilepsy has relapsed he's really going to have to go 'all out' building the foundations of his bad marriage to justify to himself and others why he has to leave.

When of course he could just be a decent person and leave on his own accord without the hostile behaviours.

Completely agree @Thirtylifecrisis, this has played into his ‘woe is me, irresponsible wife’ narrative beautifully.

@TaupeBird please be careful here. I honestly think this alcohol/epilepsy fallout is a red herring.

I think all the poster jumping on the you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol are maybe missing the point

she’s had a seizure. Guess what she has espilespy. Her dh is well aware of that. No matter how much she alters her lifestyle and sticks to meds, at some point a break through seizure could occur .

he was the adult here, whilst she was “out of the picture”. He should have been calm for children. even if he didn’t bloody feel like it. He should be calm and reassuring afterwards. As far as I know, there isn’t much anyone can do if someone fits other than clear stuff out the way, protect airway, protect hesd, and call ambulance. Yep, I appreciate it scary, but jeez he’s married to someone with this condition that is highly likely to have another fit at some point e point . HE has to learn to control his panic and whatever other feelings he has that made him loose his shit. Almost certainly it’ll happen again at some point in her life, is he going to do same thing every time?

I suspect he’s pissed due to embarrassment and inconvenience with being out and about, as opposed being in controlled environment at home. He panicked, and kids picked up on it.

ops tone is appeasing him and taking blame entirely in terms of accepting the whole unpleasant “incident” it’s entirely due to alcohol. Except she’s had alcohol without issues before. Correlation is not necessarily a cause, and her consultant has said so. Frankly I’m appalled that he’s lost his shit with her over the an assumption on his diagnosis of the cause. It may well be. But even her consultant doesn’t know that. There’s a time and place to raise concerns he may have around whether the increased drinking could be a cause of it. Not going out on massive sulk and strop and accusing her of being self centred, and making her feel guilty for upsetting her children, and inconveniencing him and whoever else he was concerned seeing her like that.

op, stop appeasing. Challenge him calmly as to why he seems to have not handled this event and lashed out his emotional frustration and adrenaline on you. It’s frankly aggressive. Talk through what HE can do in future to react more calmly and take control of the situation and his emotions

only when you’re both calm, tell him you’ll speak further advice following this specific event around alcohol.

as for not being able to drive, yep it’s shit, but as I’ve said it could have happened at any time, alcohol or not. Frankly it speaks well of how much you’re following your regime to try to prevent further fits, that you were back behind the wheel at all. He has to view you being able to drive as a bonus, when you are lucky enough to be seizure free for a while. It will never be a hard guarantee that you will be able to drive all the time.

I'm going to be honest here OP and say that it doesn't sound as though he likes you very much. DH has got a heart condition that he's waiting for surgery for, and can barely help out at home at the moment as he's so breathless and tired. It's tough carrying the extra load but I do it because I know that he can't help it and he's just as frustrated as me, if not more so.

I think you need to let him calm down and have a chat about your marriage. You don't deserve to be treated like this

OP - my DH has had seizures since a motorbike accident almost 50 years ago.

weve been married for over 35 years. His seizures are very random but never linked to alcohol. Drs have tried him on all drugs over the years but NOTHING has stopped his seizures completely so he doesnt drive, but it didnt stop him doing well in work.

you need to get yourself referred to an epilepsy consultant and have reviews twice a year and see if they can find a medication that works. A lot of people find a medication that does stop the seizures and then you will be able to drive and have a life again. Try speaking to the EPILEPSY SOCIETY for more information. My DH goes to the neurological hospital in london twice a year.

your DH needs to go with you to any appointments you have and find out more about epilepsy as his attitude isnt helpful.

ive been supporting my DH all these years and taught our DC what to do if he had a seizure from when they were quite young. You need to do this too.

please get more support - it is out there.

ps: my DH drinks socially and weve never thought his seizures were linked to alcohol.

I agree with much of that, but I do sorta think it's imputing a lot of....what's the word... intentionality? to the H.

Totally aware I'm possibly projecting here, but he may not have clear cut feelings or a specific game plan. He may just feel unhappy - it feels better one day, worse another. Then suddenly, one avenue (leaving) feels a lot harder.

I think when you are no longer happy in a relationship, you feel trapped, guilty, regretful, hopeless, possibly depressed, all together.

I doubt he is rubbing his hands together at the thought of "how can I make my ill wife miserable?" It is more likely he is feel despairing and not acting well.

... all that is assuming he really is unhappy, though. We don't know that for sure.

I haven't read everything so forgive me if some of this has already been covered.

I'm so sorry you went through this - it must have been terrifying for you after a long time without seizures. I know a few people with epilepsy and alcohol is a trigger for some of them but not all of them, and there are many other triggers (heat, tiredness, stress, menstrual cycle) so it's not your fault - it's a medical condition. I'm guessing your husband's reaction came from worry rather than genuine blame.

How old are your children? If your epilepsy is unpredictable and they are old enough, it might be worth explaining it to them and explaining what to do if you have a seizure. This may help to reassure them, but also means they will know what to do if they are alone with you.

I hope you are feeling better.

Apologise for what ? Having epilepsy ?