Husband took ring off during lads holiday

[Newbie94]

My husband recently went on a four day lads holiday to butlins (clubbing weekend) with 20 football friends. I noticed that in photos, his wedding band was missing. I’ve checked his phone and messages around that time are squeaky clean. Too clean.

Anyway, I confronted him and he’s admitting to intentionally taking it off but that’s he so so sorry, doesn’t know what he was thinking, would never cheat but just wanted some attention. This is the same man I’ve been begging for attention off for years.

I’m 3 weeks away from giving birth to our second son and not sure what to do or believe. Any comments?

Whatever he got up to on a "lads' holiday", the steps before he got up to it are dealbreakers for me:

Leaving his heavily pregnant wife with a baby for the ghastly "lads' holiday". Immature at best.

That he does drugs, ever.

The wedding ring is a red herring, my DH never had one, I've always trusted him.

@Newbie94 unless he'll help you practically with the baby/toddler for the first few months, I'd chuck him out now, sort out your benefits, and get your ducks in a row. Have a long think about what he brings to the relationship, ever has, ever will.

The poster suggesting an sti test this is a solid idea, I’m so sorry for you x

You're already unhappy in the marriage and that will now be greatly worsened. This is a good opportunity to decide that whatever he couldn't put into writing was a step too far for you. He isn't what you thought and now you know that. You're still attractive and can have a different life.

No advice but having read everything you've said the fact he took his ring off when you've been married such a short time and the contrast between your lack of needs met and his need for attention stood out to me. Maybe everything he's told you is true and he didn't cheat but the clean phone would be very suspicious to me, although maybe it's to cover up for other people not his actions.

I think sometimes reading threads on here that people are too quick to say "leave him/plan your solo future" etc and I read it thinking this is someone's relationship/life, the potential impact is huge.

You're in a really vulnerable, emotional place and him prioritising attention and validation from strangers when you're pregnant and also have a baby is perhaps telling. You're at home, feeling somewhat neglected and he's done this.

I was with my ex for a long time, looking back he was a selfish arsehole. Having our first child highlighted that more. Looking back our relationship was going to shit and foolishly I got pregnant again soon after we had our first. Looking back I think he was jealous of the attention/time the baby got/needed. He wanted to go out before the second baby arrived and I thought I was being easy going not objecting. Now I think what the fuck was I think and what the fuck was he doing, acting practically like a single man re drinking, weekends away with friends.
Reading what you've written it seems a lot of unhappiness and a big void between what you need and what he's offering you considering how long you've been married and the added weight of another baby. I don't know what I would do if I were you, but your post somewhat resonated with me.

You have my sympathy, you were posting late at night, I've been there, awake late at night feeling so sad and couldn't sleep (maybe you were feeding DS or needing a pregnant lady night time loo dash) anyway no advice, for me ending our relationship was for the best, I didn't end it,I should of. I thought I had invested so much and that eventually it would surely pay off. That was toxic thinking, unless you're both on the same page and moving in the same direction I don't see how it can work. Wishing whatever is best for you in the future, you could possibly be happier with someone else. When I see couples that click and think the world of each other I regret that I settled for less. Your husband taking his ring and needing wanting attention from strangers is massively disrespectful and unhealthy, you know that already. All the best and good luck with the baby.

It’s not irrelevant because yes of course the lack of trust comes from DH taking his ring off which has now planted doubts. If Op trusted him she wouldn’t have gone looking through his messages for evidence. So personally for me it is relevant because I wouldn’t sleep with someone I didn’t trust, I couldn’t stay married to them

I would tell him he needs to go and stay with his parents while you decide how to proceed. Then say “I won’t say how I know, because I’d be breaking a confidence - but I know. And the fact that you can’t tell the truth is almost as bad as what happened.” Then refuse to engage with him again until he tells you the truth. Put the wind up the pathetic tosser.

I don’t know if I should be honest about this with friends and family yet.

You have nothing to hide. You've done nothing wrong. Don't waste your energy covering for him.

No way of sugar coating it. He has been shagging away all weekend. You know this but i understand it is hard to accept especially when pregnant.
The very fact a number of his mates were trying to tack him down means they had no idea where he was, if he was in bed alone it would only have taken one mate to tell the rest.
He made a choice to remove his wedding ring and he made a choice to hurt you. You need to decide if you can live with him knowing ( and you do know) that he cheated. Stay with him and you will never know a moments peace again.

Too many worrying signs here for you to be merely fussing over nothing, OP. The removed ring is the obvious sign he wanted to make himself look available. The ‘things got weird’ bit is something I’d expect a husband to tell a wife yet he can’t put it in writing and has sterilised all the rest of his messages. Then they had no idea where he was for hours and that doesn’t stack with him saying he went to sleep. I’d assume he slept with someone, 100%. It’s just if you’ll get the truth from him. The whole thing with drugs and married men being egged on (I mean did no friend ask him what he was doing that for when you’re pregnant?!) shows his friends seem to be shit too.

If it’s in any way reassuring if he wanted to cheat, they wouldn’t care about the ring being on or not. Three women slept with my husband knowing about me and our children, seeing me pushing the pram around the locality one of them I believe held the fucking door open for me.
You’ve either got to believe he didn’t cheat or you will go out of your mind

Has he had a lads holiday before? If he's cold with you, his wife, I would suspect that he can separate sex with random women with no emotional connection from 'cheating'. I'm so sorry you are having to try to make sense of this when you are about to give birth.

Surely you can work that one out?
It's pretty clear.

Yeah, I agree with this. And I'd get tested just to be sure.

"mine would never do that" yeah rite 🤣

He took his wedding ring off and that speaks volumes OP. You know you deserve better than this. Surely it is better to be single than with a cold-fish-of-a-man, no matter how attractive he is. You will never fully trust him.

Take time out for yourself and your children. One day you will look back and wonder why you settled for him because, believe me, there are much more worthy men out there.

What awful timing for you.
Taking his ring off to get attention already crosses a line. I doubt it's the whole truth either, it's one of them manipulative lies to make you think he is being honest with you.
I'd personally carry on in the relationship for now, get the support you need during the birth and newborn stage then use maternity leave to get your ducks in a row.
If any of the friends seem like good honest types, I'd be tempted to ask them or their partner. They are likely to cover for him, but there is also a chance they will be honest and give you the confirmation you need.

Well yes its clear now you have edited your post.

Sorry you’re going through this, I doubt he will ever admit to anything because he knows what the consequences will be.

You have to weigh up if you will be able to get past this, even worse you’re heavily pregnant.

Has he been on any other weekends away where he has done this and it’s in pictures but you didn’t realise?

I get it, if you already think he’s being cold and not much affection you will notice this stuff ie the ring. Your nervous system is essentially looking for signs as to ‘why’ .. I think you have your answer now.

Look after yourself, you don’t have to solve everything right now x

Any edits were done within the time allowed, and there are no edits after you commented. You posted 4 mins after my post. I did't change it after 4 mins.

There are ways to find deleted messages aren't there?
Are the friends in relationships too?

Yea I know how the edit function works

(ETA) When I replied the last line on your post wasn't there

Do you?

Ah i see you are a big fan of edits 😊

Enjoy your day.

Yup.

In my experience men who lie to cover something up, even when caught out, will continue to do the same thing in future because they don’t think you’ll leave. Your husband doesn’t think you’ll walk away because you’re pregnant and he can justify you need him, you don’t need him, just his money to help raise his child, think of the weekends you’ll have free to be single or have time to yourself!. Get an sti check, and get him to get one too. As previous poster have mentioned, bluff a confession out of him. Make a comment that he may have thought what happens a butlins stays at butlins but turns out not everyone on his trip did, and watch him spiral!