Husband took ring off during lads holiday

[Newbie94]

My husband recently went on a four day lads holiday to butlins (clubbing weekend) with 20 football friends. I noticed that in photos, his wedding band was missing. I’ve checked his phone and messages around that time are squeaky clean. Too clean.

Anyway, I confronted him and he’s admitting to intentionally taking it off but that’s he so so sorry, doesn’t know what he was thinking, would never cheat but just wanted some attention. This is the same man I’ve been begging for attention off for years.

I’m 3 weeks away from giving birth to our second son and not sure what to do or believe. Any comments?

It’s a fair comment, honestly. I can’t really defend myself.
when things went south with his affections, we’d just bought a house and he was struggling with work. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and honestly… i loved him. He has and had a lot of qualities I was looking for. He was serious about marriage and kids too - a low bar I know.
then maybe 6 months after that I was pregnant with our first and I thought well… this is my bed, you know? And the children come first. And maybe it’s my hormones, and every other excuse I could imagine.
but 2/3 years on, not much has changed in the affection department and now this ring situation almost validates everything ive felt. I’ve not been mental, he hasn’t had his head in the marriage.
hard to ignore…

So he either cheated, or he tried his absolute best to but couldn't even get laid at the orgy that is a Butlins weekend. Rejected by women out for a shag with very low standards. I'm not sure which one would make me despise him more.
You are so vulnerable right now and I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your babies. He doesn't deserve any of you.
Please don't do anything right now other than exactly what you need to get you through this time. Be as selfish as you need to.
Once you have gathered your strength, whenever that is, can you see a therapist? My friend was in the same position of finding her husband cheating a few weeks before giving birth to their second child. She kicked him out initially but let him move in again to help when the baby arrived. She never trusted him again and spent the next 8 years regretting it. She caught him again last year and is now divorcing him after lots of therapy she swears by. But it's so much more devastating for the children at this age than if they had only ever really known their parents not together.

If the children do come first
put them first

who’s want to grow up with parents warring like this?

Look, it's easy enough for us to say.

You're just a faceless message at this point and we'll reply and then get on with our lives.

BUT.

You only have one life. And right now you're understandably finding it easier to carry on as you were, because you're pregnant and it's too hard and scary to shake your life up at this time.

But think long term. He isn't going to change and suddenly become the man you want him to be. So do you spend your whole life feeling like this, or do you do something impossibly hard seeming and give yourself and your kids the potential of a different life to this?

(I'm twice divorced. I get it)

What does putting the children first mean in OP's case? Sucking up his infidelities and continuing to allow him to treat her with disrespect?

Sounds great, I love all male holidays, of any description, but that is not a lads' holiday to be compared to anything like the OP's partner has been on. i.e. if his wedding ring was off, you wouldn't assume he's on the pull or be checking his fingers in photos of him joyfully roasting marshmallows with his chums?

I organise naice camping and hostel weekends as well as the more drink-focused tours, probably because some of their wives would have the same opinion of all-male holidays, or they just like hiking, who knows, they're not all teachers by any chance?

Um no

leaving him

If you need to ask for an STI test from your husband then you just need to ask for a divorce. You don’t trust him so that’s the end of the marriage. A test won’t determine if he has cheated or not and it would still play on your mind. I wouldn’t need to worry about catching an STI because I certainly couldn’t have sex with someone when I have those doubts

I actually feel sick for you, I can empathise with the position you are in and how vulnerable you must feel. It would be easier to keep calm and carry on, but I don't think you should. He is mugging you off, in front of his friends no less, who no doubt are mugging their respective partners off too. I'd dig very deep and pull the plaster off now. Your future will be so much brighter without this man in tow. Make him someone else's problem.

Doesn't mean he can't support you and new baby. He can and should still be a dad. But end the marriage and seek support from family and friends. This too shall pass!

It’s very clear from what that poster wrote that is not what they mean at all, completely the opposite!

Why are you married to someone who's going on a lads holiday like a teenage one ? Why are drugs involved ? This is very concerning that hes married and a Dad.

Why was he also away when you were due in 3 weeks?!

I’m so sorry, OP. I think you need to start making an exit plan, even if it makes a while to come together. Trust would be gone.

I think this post is simply to highlight the health danger to OP, especially as she is pregnant, and to prioritise herself.

It irrelevant to say you wouldn’t need an STI test because you wouldn’t be sleeping with someone you didn’t trust – the lack of trust predominantly comes after the cheating.

Pack bags and go back to your parents until the birth. This is unacceptable.

Reading your responses you sound like a level headed and grounded women and all the reasons you have written for getting this far with him sound reasonable to me. Now that this has happened and your head is all over the place. I would ask him to stay with his parents to give you some space, after a week or so I would ask him to tell you the whole story so you can decided what you want to do next. At the moment you don't know the whole story and your trying to fill in the gaps. This is why you can't make a decision. You need space to be by yourself and let your mind work things out

He’s probably been getting his en away elsewhere for a long time if he’s been like that for years.

Oh some posters just like to antagonise!

I wouldn't like this at all. It's not normal behaviour. I would think he has been cheating and did it to be "one of the lads"again. I wouldn't trust him an inch anymore.

A wedding ring is meant to signify loyalty and continuity (the continuous circle of the ring). My DH wore his wedding ring from the day we got married until after his death earlier this year when I asked for it back from the hospital.

I now have his ring on a chain around my neck. I still wear my own wedding ring and will continue to do so, though it will have to be resized soon and I plan to do that.

Your DH is an immature dick.

Butlins weekend
Drugs
Drink
Laddish behaviour
Not wearing wedding ring

From a man who is already a dad and another child due in 3 weeks.

This is not mature or caring behaviour.

How old is he?

None of the men in my family wear wedding rings.

DH doesn't and I don't particularly like rings on men.

That said, you don't need a ring to 'prove' you're married.

The commitment is in your head not a bit of metal on your finger.

And I know some women (friends) who are married and don't have a traditional wedding ring.

A ring proves nothing.

But taking it off does.

My friend goes to these Butlins weekends and its literally a shag fest. Your DH has admitted he took his ring off as he wanted to appear single (not that it would have mattered from what I've heard).

He wouldnt be coming near me ever again iiwm.

How old is this pathetic "man"?

Sorry OP, that doesn’t sound good. Taking it off for safekeeping so he doesn’t lose it is one thing, but taking off to get attention - how old is he, five? Is there a bit of jealousy of his sons too, especially as there’s a second boy on the way - some men get like that. Love and support to you OP 💐

How does your post relate to the op?

About to turn 34 would you believe

He probably did go to bed at midnight - but not to sleep.

i would be sitting him down and saying you know there is more. I’d also send him to his parents.