DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

Some posters seem ignorant of the state of UK provision of care and services for DC and adults who need it, and the financial situations of their families.

As if OP hasn’t considered the options.

I think the DH is being massively unreasonable. Yes it’s a great opportunity but I’m sure the OP could conjure up a great new project or hobby if she had the time… but she doesn’t because of the family situation. Everyone has to make sacrifices when they become parents and it sounds like a difficult situation.
The most concerning thing is the lack of consultation. This is a massive thing that should have been worked through together with compromise on both sides. Not a fair accompli and unilateral use of the family holiday money. I bet he isn’t a bit grateful either.

I think the mistake you are making is equating supporting him, with having concerns about changing circumstances and care needs.

Sit him down at some point when you're both in a good head space and start a conversation about how you are going to handle care for your son now your circumstances are changing and your son is becoming a young adult.

Put your foot down and call FIL to come and help. You sound burned out but also a bit of a martyr, which won’t do you any favours.

You’re happy and he is miserable and he has a chance to be a bit more happy. Yes, you do sound unreasonable, although it’s understandable to be anxious about the unknowns

I think you both have reasonable points here, he wants to feel supported and you want the family needs and finances to be taken into full account.
It sounds like a great opportunity and as it is already booked it makes sense for him to go but he needs to take responsibility for working out who will look after DS2 on the Saturday.
In the longer term, do you as a family have support from eg the Children with Disabilities Team?

I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Caring for a child who has complex medical needs or extra needs is demanding. To not go on a weekend away though as you felt it was too much is your choice - but you can't then stop the other parent as they don't think its to much. Whilst a weekend away is very different from a lot of time away, this is for building his life to benefit everyone

Well they will, carers for severely disabled people exist. I deal with a lot of them in my job. Does your teen not look after him, if s/he baby sits?

I don’t think you’re wrong to be a bit apprehensive, but it strikes me that the only thing which will keep you happy is the status quo in which he is miserable.

I agree with this. He will regret it forever if he doesn’t give it a go, and will blame you. More than likely it won’t lead to anything, but if it does he should be able to make money out of it at least. You love your job but he doesn’t. It would be great for him to do something he loves too surely?

If a 17 year old can manage your disabled son, I strongly suspect you are being over-pessimistic about finding someone else to do it. What about if it were 2:1 care, for instance, or someone medically trained?

Do you have social services support? You would clearly be entitled to it.

I assume your son goes to a special school? is there any option for residential school, or maybe moving him to a residential college at 16? You are going to have to consider long term options that don't involve you providing care in any event.

I think you do need to be supportive of this, given he's not currently happy in his work and this has the potential to become a really good money earner for your family depending on how it goes for him. But he needs to sit down with you and discuss where the space in the week for you will be now as he may be working late nights. Does this mean he can take some of the load during the day at all? If he still has to keep the current job and this is in addition to this, I think I might have to grin and bear it for the short term for longer term gains. I'm sorry though, it doesn't sound easy for you. 💐

I’m trying to think if I’ve ever, ever ever seen a post from a woman wanting to pursue a career in the arts with a severely disabled teen, at her husband’s expense.

I can’t even imagine it happening.

At what point is the DH going to support HER career goals? HER dreams?

Never.

You're not unreasonable to worry about the Saturdays that you do work and your husband now being unavailable for some of those to look after your kids-after all those Saturdays are spent working to bring in an income which benefits the whole household it's not like you spend those Saturdays out doing something which only benefits yourself. You're not selfish to consider what happens in respect of caring for your disabled teen child. I think your husband saying that you're being unreasonable is out of order when all you're saying is what about the usual childcare that he does so that you can work

Honestly. Support should be both ways always. But there will be times like these. Once in a lifetime type times. Thats worth a holiday I think to try. I know a fair few comedians and as I work on the tech side of live events I know the hours.
It is not easy. I took my lighting work which I absolutly love and made it a part time thing as it is not a family friendly life. To earn a good living I would have to be on tour or working silly long hours. I have done that and it takes a toll. So for the last 17 or so years I work initially only one night a week and as it grew that became three nights minimum per week. I always gave all the money earnt straight into an account only my wife had access to as that seemed fair to me. It paid for holidays and birthdays and Christmas plus grocery shopping each week.
I love that work and would be happy doing it full time again. But those three nights or more took their toll so when my wife asked me to cut down I did. I now only do 3 or 4 max per month and sometimes less. I hire other people to cover the rest and I am happy. I have that time with her and our kids. She gave me that room to do what I enjoyed. So how could I say no when she asked me to spend more time with her and slow down.

Thats the root of your problem. He doesnt see it as his problem despite it being his days. If you were 50/50 custody, then his childcare issues would be his, instead he sees you as the default parent therefore its your problem while he chases his dreams; you sort the kids (notice i didnt say his kids).

You need to make it his problem. Yes ill be supportive, whats your solution for the childcare (not me, I'm not doing it i cant cope with the additional workload) - whats YOUR solution for your childcare problem?

I really do think you should be more supportive sorry! It’s a massive opportunity and just think if he makes it you’ll have all the money you need to buy in support at home .

Names??

I mean her dc is only 15yo. And many many disabled people stay with their parents fir many more years so maybe not that urgent for the OP.

Unless you’re suggesting that, as soon as this child turns 18yo, the OP is supposed to put herds in residential care so, I suppose, she can wft and her dh can ‘follow his passion’ whilst she is still at home holding the fort for their youngest dc??
I mean how is sorting out care in 5~10, whatever years ahead, is going to solve the issue of just right now, when she is expected to find solutions and ‘be supportive’ for his hobby?

She's already said he goes to mainstream with 2:1 support as he was considered too academically able for a special school. He has a learning disability but it must be mild, combined with neurodivergence and behavioural and medical issues.

It's not as simple as "opps, silly me, I should have thought of just asking for a free at the point of use residential school, that's a good idea, I'll just book him in" (for a child expected not to stay for sixth form and rejected for SEND vocational college options for being to able).

There is no easy fix - parents in the OP's position need the patience of saints to deal with useful idiots and their well meaning advice to just access services which are impossible to access unless at crisis point and which would reject the OP's son anyway as his profile falls between two stools.

DS has been firmly placed in the bracket of being too capable for SS/SEN college but too complex for MS.

I'd suggest you challenge this. There are special schools and colleges for children and young people who are academically able but have other serious needs in schools, and your local authority needs to be looking ahead and preparing him for at least a degree of independence in adulthood. Talk to someone like IPSEA or SOS SEN.

You are not alone. He is blinkered and selfish. Very few people make money at stand up. And those that do have to do massive amounts of travelling. As you say, it is an expensive hobby. A monthly gig an hour away is fine but nights away from home are unfair; he is one of two parents.

It also sounds like the family need OP's salary, so Saturdays are an issue; he needs to be at home so she can work.

A friend has a child with a life-limiting illness so his wife only works part time to allow for caring. He has to therefore stick in a job he doesn't enjoy but provides a stable income. He laments - privately - that this is not how he expected his life to be, but he loves his family, makes sacrifices and sticks with it.

But the school is obviously managing to find at least two people to look after him on a regular basis?

Your husband is actively trying to improve life for you all. I really do think you're being a bit selfish. Plenty of parents manage on their own. Your children are teenagers, they aren't toddlers. Apart from having one disabled child, you really don't have a justifiable excuse to prevent your husband from improving your situation financially. You cannot have your cake and eat it. If anything, I'd say you are the jealous one and you're having a bit of a tantrum. You're projecting your insecurities onto him and in the end he could walk away, if you constantly push someone in such a negative way.

He's trying his best in a hard situation. Everyone is feeling the cost of living, everyone juggles their kids whether they are disabled or not. I also have disabilities in my household - Both adult and children; I get on with it. I don't have time to sit around and throw away opportunities while pouting and crying "Me me me!".

Best foot forward - Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It is what it is. If it doesn't work out, at least he tried! You'd more than likely resent him even more if he wasn't doing anything at all. He's working and improving his career. You could also increase your hours, source out child care (UC pay upto 85% child care costs!), utilise your teenagers because responsibility is a good lesson in life! And utilise your friends if they're that good a friendship group I'm sure they won't mind helping you out, even if it's paid. We're all out here working full-time and surviving. Social services can also help you with rest bite days.

You have options! No excuse not to use them.

No he isn't! He's indulging his stand up comedy hobby which is costing the family money, not even breaking even.

The odds that him doing this will improve the family's financial situation are absolutely miniscule, very much akin to claiming gambling is done to improve the family's finances - imagine if I win, we'll be rich! 🫣 Meanwhile it's costing the OP her boss' patience at work and the entire family their holiday budget just for him to boost his ego and have fun.

The man won't even ask his father to do the caring for their son, even though his father is willing to do this occasionally, because he wants to avoid asking to save the favour for another time - he is not supportive at all of his wife's pre-existing commitment to work.

It's a one way street and all about him - it isn't for the family, it's extremely unlikely ever to benefit the family.

Says someone who has never had to try to use them.