DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

I definitely think you should support him with his comedy.
Honestly otherwise I suspect he would think of leaving! And frankly you say you are happy in your work - he also deserves the chance to feel happy and fulfilled at work and also I suspect like sport/art etc that comedy is something you have to be very talented and passionate at to succeed - if he has the talent and the opportunity comes his way, I think you would be mad to refuse to support him.
Everyone deserves to find happiness and fulfillment in their life and many of us do find purpose at work. I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t let him go and succeed…
you seem worried about what ifs and how you would cope. You need to put things in place so he can go and you don’t need to be so burdened by his absence. Au pair / nanny / babysitter / relatives - get in some childcare for the times you need.
hope it works out for you & him!

Yes you should be supportive.

However, he has responsibilities that he has prior awareness of, that he now needs to cover. He cannot just absolve himself of parenting his child. He knew your schedule, he knows there is a need, that’s on him to sort out.

Did you even read anything OP has posted??

It's a bit of a huge thing to do stand up and then get into the fringe, and even if it goes nowhere, what a bit of life experience for him!

So as others have said, be supportive especially short term, if he then can barely parent because of thid career then of course that's a conversation for the future but for now, at this level, I'd be supporting him proudly on this. It is expensive doing the fringe and kts a shame to lose a family holiday, but if the alternative was a family hol and no fringe opportunity I'd feel for your DH in this instance.

This. However... you need to make plain to him that this was a one-off. Next time, it cannot be assumed that you'll pick up the slack, and he'll have to make arrangements. Also, if he has time made for his passion project, so must you. Get that arranged, otherwise the unfairness and resentment will kill your marriage instead.

That's it in a nutshell really isn't it!!

I think that actually your husband is being unreasonable. It's a great opportunity, yes, but if he's that good, there will be other opportunities down the road. I think the least he can do is have a discussion with you about it where you both work out how both of you can get the chance to do what you love. It sounds like a difficult situation, but you seem to be the only one who is compromising.

If he’s only going to Edinburgh for the weekend he’s not “doing the Fringe”.

I would do whatever it takes to make this work. You’ve said yourself you have a job you love and plenty of friends. He sounds miserable and this seems like a fantastic opportunity. How many people could say they’ve performed stand-up at the Edinburgh fringe. It sounds like it’s his time to shine a bit. Can you pay your eldest to step up a bit more?

Will it give the OP a better quality of life if this means

• she has to quit her job due to her dh working weekends
• she is on her own more because her dh is away more
• shell be even more in her own soon, once ds1 keaves to go to Uni (I imagine september or the one after)

Money can’t buy everything

I really want to know what competition this is.

I didn’t realise that being an SEN mum was a way to ‘shine’….

As for asking a sibling to become a carer…. Dint you think they’ve already had to cope with a lot? What makes you think that the one thing the ds1 is dreaming about is to leave so he can live his life as he chooses instead of around his sibling?

Well that's helpful isn't it x

a couple of people have suggested you give up work. Do NOT do that. You NEED tgat time to feel like YOU & sadly it's where you feel valued right now.

im sorry but im going to say something tgat might be hard to hear, but you DH is a selfish bastard. He's not seeing you as a person, simply as DS's carer, a household appliance and his support appliance.

how DARE he say your job isn't as important as it's part time! It's only fucking part time to enable him to do FAR less than his share of parenting a child with special needs. I'm so fucking angry on your behalf

was using family holiday money for him Aline even discussed before he booked flights & hotel?!

he had better not have a single 'wufe' joke in his 'routine' or I will leap on stage & murder him myself xx

That's neither here nor there. You are being selfish imo.

It's a job, not a jolly. If he is successful he could potentially make money. If a man posted the OP he would (rightly) get a pasting on here.

He works full time!!

Selfish?

SHE'S being selfish?

fucking hell.

And?

his penis gets in the way the rest of the time?

this means he can spend the famiky money on himself as he pleases?

At this stage it's an ego boosting jolly

Awful as it sounds, I am very jealous listening to his amazing weekend being applauded while I am working & caring, being pushed & hit. Selfish, but that's how I feel.

@changedmyname24 I don’t think there is any surprise about your reaction.
Im pretty sure no one has told how amazing you are for what you do with your dc.
No one has told how admirable it is that you’ve out your career on hold. Or that you’ve put your passion on the back burner.

Yes Edinburgh is a great opportunity for him.
He is also using family money, wo first getting your agreement, which is affecting THE WHOLE FAMILY - no hols
And yes maybe he has a shit job - like many of us. Not that many friends - how is that your responsibility and why should you compensate for that?

Youve agreed to that now.
But I think you need a discusdion about how things are balanced in your family. His time away (great) not matched by your time away for your own passion.
You working part time not matched by how thankful,your dh is that you’re doing that. It’s assumed and a reason to look down on your input.
He needs a wake up call.
Not just because resentment is going to eat at you at DP some point.
But because being the sole person responsible means you’re going to end up with carer burnt out (which, from what you say, you’re close to) And then what will he do??

Only because the OP has stepped in and is ‘only’ working part time.
Without her, do you think hed be working full time?

Why is her work as an SEN parent and carer not recognised fully too?

There are two issues here, how you support him in his Edinburgh gig, and your (not unreasonable) concerns about what it might lead to in the longer term. If you can make the Edinburgh gig work for both of you, so your support is not just about you staying home and picking up what he's dropped, this will set up your future together if this takes off. So you can be supportive, encouraging and wish him well, and he can communicate with you properly about what you both (but especially him) can do to manage the disruption to the usual routine while he is away, for which he is responsible. I don't know what this might be, - him calling in favours / paying for respite from his gig earnings etc, but you need to pull together on this one, or it could quickly become unfair, and resentment will grow. It's a really tough one for you both, wishing you well.

People don't tend to do favours with a disabled teen...The other two, no problem. How I wish I lived in a world where I could call in favours.

@TheOliveWriter the OP has already agreed to the dh going.
That will be with her staying at home and taking her disabled dc, which has seizures, can be violent etc… with her at work. She has a VERY understanding boss!
And the whole family not going away on hols because money has been spent already.

It doesn’t bode well the future IF it takes off.

As for the dh paying for respite, calling favours etc…. Have you read tge OP’s posts?
Tyere is no respite to have. It’s on her and her dh.
There’s no famiky, friends or even SEN groups that are willing to offer help. Because it’s TOO HARD for anyone who doesn’t know him extremely well.
Youre in dreamland

You need to support him.