DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

I see your frustration @Thebigarsedbitch but if she isn't more supportive-and I am glad she agreed to be-down the line, blaming her for all that is wrong in his life he will get out of bed one morning, pack a bag and bugger off.

He won't be worse off but she will be/

Sometimes, we have to be pragmatic-_I speak from experience-and this is one of those times.

He needs to get his dad down. He’s going off, you’re working, your son needs a carer. That carer right now needs to be grandad and your DH needs to understand that for you, work is important. As important as him going to do Fringe.

It's probably a long shot but if the stand up was successful it could mean a new career and more money/happiness. Perhaps it's best to think of the initial probs and cost as an investment that might yield big benefits.

I'm reading the thread, wondering what I've missed as I disagree with most pusts too. I agree with you.

@changedmyname24

what is it exactly about DS2 that makes you think no one would look after him. In the past I did a lot of caring for children/young adults with SN. A lot of family care too.

I have my own health issues now & I'm barely coping with my own needs, so unfortunately I'm unable to offer any help, but I'm not the only one in MN. Who cares (cared) for teens like your DS with SN & physical needs (including toileting & 'trf to bed)
xx

This too!

So what are your options for him post-18?

The problem is that neither of you are being totally unreasonable. It's a great opportunity for him and yes you need to support him doing it. But it's also a major headache for you and HE should have been the one trying to work a better solution than you taking your disabled son to work. He should have asked FIL.

At the very least he should now be arranging for you to have some extra time to yourself - he can take a day off work and give you a day off pickups or you get a Sunday off.

Yes. It’s not sustainable into the future without totally sacrificing your own lives. And what will happen when you’re no longer around? I see this a lot at my work. Much better to make provision for residential care/supported accommodation as a planned measure, not an emergency situation

What’s going to happen about your job once DS has done GCSEs and is home full time?

That seems a much bigger problem albeit further away.

Does your child get PIP/DLA care component? Can this be used towards having some help come in?

I'm surprised at the responses here. There may be a man or two, i think people know which comment Im talking about.

I don't think YABU OP. It's totally reasonable for you to be concerned about the practicalities and he should be too . Rather than reassuring you he's moaning at you ? Yes you should be happy for him but he needs to own the responsibility to work out how it would work and negotiate that with you. No matter how exciting this is for you.

Also using family holiday money to go?can't he use his own?

..no matter how exciting this is for HIM

He absolutely should be asking your FIL for help in this situation. Bringing your son to work is not a solution.

For this one weekend, it does make sense to make the effort in time and money. What happens after, you actually have no idea. It could lead to nothing. If he doesn’t at least try, he will always wonder and possibly resent the family. It’s not too much to ask.

The harder thing will be if it does go well. You will have to push back on him to find a solution because the money and time to launch his career are not infinite. Don’t worry about this stage though unless it actually happens.

What’s the competition?

@changedmyname24 I am of course immensely proud of DH

Why?

He's going off to Edinburgh using the "Family holiday" money to fund his jolly. He doesn't do any way near the amount of care you do for your DS.

Why can't you pursue your career? Why can't he stay at home instead of potentially using you/your family as "material" for his future gigs - check out other comedians - Jo Brand regularly mocks her DH.

I'd make sure I was NOT the primary carer for your DS - he has two parents - you should be equal. Your DH does not get to opt out because he can tell a joke.

Why can't you work full time -and further YOUR career-, which frees him up to do the caring duties around his "stand-up" routine?

I think you probably need to call FiL yourself. Then think about long term like pp have suggested.

To answer a few questions. DSes disability is rather an unknown. His main condition fluctuates, just when you think you have a handle on it, it gets worse or changes. We have been warned he could die suddenly from it 😥 There is also a learning disability & neurodiversity at play, meaning he often can't/won't follow instructions or do things independently, including showering etc. Sadly this is worse than when he was a younger child.

We are happy for him to be with DS1 if he only needs to be in bed or chilling out before bed & we are close by, but overnight is too much. I usually go out within our village or local town (10 minute drive) when I go out. Neurodiversity also means that he struggles with new people, which exacerbates his main condition. So ad hoc care leaves me stressing & worrying. I would not have been able to understand this before his main condition kicked in 3 years ago & I don't expect anyone else to be able to either.

He does receive DLA. Will apply for PIP when it's time, which i think will be soon (April baby).

For post-16/18, as DH WFH 2 days per week, he could be with DS when I am at work. Then I wanted to build a business where I would be delivering classes mainly in the early evening, when DH is home from work. Or possibly online. There may be a college course or daycare DS can access too, we are having a meeting about this next week. DS has been firmly placed in the bracket of being too capable for SS/SEN college but too complex for MS.

But I love that boy with all my heart 💙

I meant to say - my boss is aware I bring DS to work if no other option & supportive of it. She supported him doing compulsory work experience with me recently.

One of my daughters has also had some success with stand-up comedy but she has always maintained her full-time job. Realistically it may be a very long time (if ever) before he could make a decent living from it and therefore it seems critical that family concerns, and in particular your job, are given proper consideration. It is a difficult career to get off the ground

A slot at the Edinburgh fringe is a big deal. If it were my husband I’d support it.

Supportive, yes, but he also needs to be supportive of your career/job. So you can both work alternative Saturdays and share the caring responsibilities. That sounds reasonable to me. It's not reasonable to suddenly expect you to give up your job.

Support goes both ways.

But it’s not a slot at the Fringe. It’s a competition-he’s only way for one weekend. He’s not gigging.

I think it's about time your DH does more with your DS.

How long until your DS is too big for you to cope with physically?

DH needs to step up, irrespective of his joke-telling ability, this is a bigger issue.

At some point, you are not going to be able to woman handle your DS. And his DB shouldn't be put in that position either.

Long term, you - both of you - will have to fix his, and the ability of your DH to tell a joke and get somebody to laugh is really going to be the least of your - both of your - problems.

If he's capable of work experience, and his elder sibling can care for him, why are you saying he can't be cared for by anyone outside the family?

If he has complex medical needs, can you hire a nurse? A carer with SEN experience? A an adult babysitter if he just needs an adult present in case of emergency?

I'm not downplaying how hard it can be to find competent care but there a difference between difficult and impossible.

I really don't think haveing a fanous successful husband who is therefore never around when he's needed, counts as an "opportunity " for the OP does it? 🤨