DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

I think that this may be the beginning of the end for things as you know them and it’s going to take a lot of hard work from both of you to come through this as an intact family unit.

Yes, he could well be good, and yes, it would be lovely to support him. But it’s not quite as simple as waving him off with a ‘good luck’ and a packed lunch for the journey, is it? Everything he wants you to support him with requires a huge sacrifice from you and your family. He’s already unilaterally made the decision that your family isn’t getting a holiday this year and now he’s expecting you to find a new job (because which comedians are sat at home when everyone is out and wanting entertainment?) so you can cover Saturdays with your DS. And he hasn’t asked you whether you’re ok with all of that. He’s told you that this is what’s happening and that he wants your support. Well who’s supporting you? Has he even thought what you have to give up to support him? Or is he only thinking about becoming the next big thing?

He’s asking a huge amount from you. Ultimately, what happens if you don’t support him? Will he do it anyway? Or will he give it up and then resent you forever more? If you divorced over it, you couldn’t force him to care for your DS, so the likelihood is that you’d have to give up work anyway.

Conversation, conversation, open communication, @changedmyname24 . You sound like that you otherwise have each others' backs, what you need is both of you laying out everything that is concerning on the table, and go from here. Find a solution, because life hardly ever stays the same, we need to adjust - If living standards are shifting, you need to shift with them, maybe cut down going out - for both of you. I am not saying that both of you should be chained to your homes, not having fun.. It was just an example. And maybe not crank it up to 100 from level 0 like some posters say and suggest to let him go. (Do people like that just separate for every potential milestone? Sun's not out today - well it's divorce time. I mean come on, it's hardly at a level where divorce is the go-to solution)

This comedy thing sounds like it's an important part of his life, I would say you should support him in it, especially if he is good and this could actually become a thing, both in terms of income and overall happiness. Ask yourself, if you had a passion like that, would he support you? If you had a passion like that and you would get no support, how would that affect you? Especially longterm. Sadness, resentment, feeling like you missed out.

What I am trying to say is you both need to be clear about what frustrations you have and work our a solution to address them - together.

He's got children, their needs come before any unconditional support he wants.

Yes you should support him. It’s a fantastic opportunity. I’d be very proud of my DH if it were me and would do all I could to facilitate it

He is being massively unreasonable here and I'm surprised anyone is saying otherwise.

He's booked to go away on a day you're working without organising or coming up with a solution for childcare for your DS.

He's spent the family holiday budget on a solo trip for him.

Yes, you should support each other's aspirations and interests as far as possible, but this is really going too far in terms of the sacrifices he's demanding from you and the family.

I get that life feels a bit shit for him, but guess what - it's shit for a lot of people who just get on with it and don't get the opportunity to swan off doing stuff for them.

Children first, then jobs, then personal hobbies and interests.

I don't think you're unreasonable, you're in a really difficult spot.

But it's not unreasonable for him to want to pursue this opportunity either.

It would help a lot if he acknowledged the sacrifice of the holiday and the effects of him going, and was doing something positive to sort out the issues going will cause, though.

If he's all defensive and leaving it to you to sort, he's being a dick about it.

He doesn't have a solution. DS will have to come to work with me 9-5, which is just about doable as a one-off but extremely difficult for me & my colleague.

Surely he should be begging FIL to step in.

As per previous poster. Care for your DS sounds very challenging, however I can’t understand if your 17 year old can manage why not a paid carer/ companion? I know carers who visit my friends DF in final stages of Alzheimer’s and that care is intensely difficult as he is very aggressive and can’t do anything himself now which is very sad.
it sound like you need a break and maybe some additional help ? Is there not any respite care budget available for you either through his PIP or local services ?

As is often the case, @category12 has nailed it:

“I don't think you're unreasonable, you're in a really difficult spot.
But it's not unreasonable for him to want to pursue this opportunity either.
It would help a lot if he acknowledged the sacrifice of the holiday and the effects of him going, and was doing something positive to sort out the issues going will cause, though.
If he's all defensive and leaving it to you to sort, he's being a dick about it.”

This with bells on. I think he needs to be able to pursue this important opportunity. Some opportunities can take priority over family commitments needs for a very short window of time. But you do need to work out where that leaves you if his stand-up career is going to be the new normal and he needs to be willing to work with you on that.

DS1 is used to DS2 & knows what to do in a medical situation as he has experienced all the different variations. We usually get DS2 to bed before going out & nothing tends to happen at night anyway.

I absolutely need a break but it is highly unlikely I will get one so I just have to keep on going until I can't any more. Which feels close tbh.

We try to ration care from FIL as he will only do a couple of times per year & comes a long way.

I have a passion, but I can't pursue it due to my family needing me.

Well then, there we go. That is a point to bring to your husband's attention. We all need to prioritise our children, always. They come before leisure, passion projects, etc. If they come before yours, they come before his, too. He needs to understand this. In an ideal world, the two of you could sit down and work out solutions how this could be managed by the two of you so everyone is happy with the outcome.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you're borrowing worry from the future when it would make much more sense to focus on the specifics of the things you absolutely know about for sure.

This competition is a great opportunity requiring a one-off, short notice, less than ideal care situation for your son. Has your husband acknowledged that he is asking you to do him a massive favour by covering for him while he is away? Has he thanked you for taking one 'for the team's as it were to allow him to make the most of the chance?

My husband has a similar sideline (although he is established and earns a decent amount from it) and whenever opportunities to do this kind of thing come up, his first question is always 'will you be alright?' and we plan together to handle logistics etc, with him sourcing childcare etc if needed (rarely TBF, but his parents are only 10 mins away so they are usually our first port of call for these things).

He always acknowledges that I am working hard to support his career just by looking after the kids, and it sounds like your husband needs reminding of that. But don't stress too much about where it will lead until it happens, because I can see how that is unhelpful for both of you in this instance and it suggests that it's all on you to deal with it/when it happens which absolutely should not be the case.

In many ways, your husband should be flattered that you are already assuming he will be able to get regular work as a stand up, so remind him of that if he's being defensive.

But he also needs to be realistic about what he's asking you to do - it's not an outrageous request given the circumstances but it involves significant sacrifice from you which shouldn't be ignored just because he'd rather not think about it.

I feel like this is a time to ask though, as you need the help and it's his son's exciting opportunity.

Otherwise you're going to resent the whole thing, when it would be nice to feel excited for him.

You dragging your ds to work shouldn't really be an option used, as it gives DH a get-out and surely impacts your performance and risks your job security.

Longterm something has to give.

I have brought it to his attention, but because I enjoy my job & don't work full time, he thinks it's not relevant.

How many every other Saturdays will there be while he's away at the fringe? And can you manage that? Everything else is just speculation and will have to be dealt with if or when it happens. Enjoy this moment with him, we don't get many like that in a lifetime.

It's interesting to hear from someone in a similar situation. I only wish we had the same ease with childcare. Then I would be ok & even happy about it. But what's happening is that DH'S freedom is trapping me.

What will give is me, I fear.

I will manage because DSes need me to. Always. As a mum, a SEN mum, that's my job, far more than my paid job.

He looks at it from a very immature point-of-view, unfortunately. He connects things that have no relevance. It is not your fault he does not enjoy his job and you do. I understand the whole part-time job aspect, but it's not really relevant, the main point should be - is this realistic from a financial and childcare angle? If the answer is no, then he just needs to do what we all do - put our big boy/girl pants on and realise that some things are not within our means. Hell I would like to not work but travel to wonderful places with my family non-stop. But I understand what my responsibilities and means are. But that's not important... There needs to be a setup where someone is more open to compromise, open to different, more flexible solutions than the black and white options in front of the two of you. Otherwise it will just fester and low in your faces. Not a great situation to be in... Do you think there is a possibility for him to discuss, rather than be hell-bent on what he has in mind?

DH should do the Fringe as long as he can sort out childcare so that you can work

If he can't sort out childcare he can't do the Fringe

Surely this time is one occasion when it is worth using the rationed resource!
Incidentally are you aware that under the Equality Act 2010 you have protections as a carer? Your employer can't just turn down requests for flexibility willy nilly.

You should be supportive and considerate of him, but he should also be supportive and considerate of you. I can't see that he's fulfilling his side of the bargain here if he goes out 3x as much as you.

That said, Edinburgh festival is a huge deal, so I think as a one-off, you probably should support him, but then you do need to have the conversation about what mutual support looks like going forward, and how you both get equal amounts of free time for yourselves, so the amount of work+childcare you are each doing is balanced.