DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

It’s rude, at best, of a few posters to emphasise that DC ‘is becoming a young adult’. As though by magic DC and the family situation will be different.

OP understands her DC’s challenges and needs and what might / might not change: you / we don’t.

What solution is he offering for you to keep your job and for him to pursue his comedian career? Why is this only on you to figure out. He helped make the kids.

You’re a bit unreasonable to begrudge him this opportunity but he’s also a bit unreasonable for grabbing it without helping you manage the fall out.

I don’t think either of you are genuinely unreasonable though; it sounds like you’re both so burnt out that you’re struggling to communicate and work together.

In the short term, you need more support. If that means using up limited FIL support then so be it - he’s filling his cup with Edinburgh and yours needs protecting too. In the long term, I hope college works out for your DS or you can find alternative support.

I’m surprised at how many people think you should just throw yourself under the bus because your husband has unfulfilled dreams he wants to realise. Honestly, the demands of parenting disabled children mean you have to make sacrifices. It sounds like he expects you to make all the sacrifices while he just fucks off and lives his best life. It’s sort of irrelevant what his hobby is, comedy, golf, whatever. He doesn’t have the childcare to cover his responsibilities at home, so he can’t do it. Same as you. Yes it’s shit but the answer to that isn’t just make your life completely unbearable so his gets much better. It’s very unfair and I would be laying down the law. It’s not your problem to solve. If he cant get cover for your working hours he can’t go.

The man won't even ask his father to do the caring for their son, even though his father is willing to do this occasionally, because he wants to avoid asking to save the favour for another time

More precisely, @HaveYouFedTheFish he wants to save that favour for a time when it will benefit HIM - when both him agd the OP have to be somewhere together.
And he sees using that favour so tge OP can work only benefitting HER. Showing how much he is taking his DW support for granted. And how little he thinks about what she does for him (like giving up her career, her passion etc….)

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2022/jul/11/edinburgh-festival-fringe-refuseniks-comedians-standups-debt-squalid-flats

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cqqn31yqv19o

https://list.co.uk/news/surprising-day-jobs-of-comedians-artists-and-authors-headed-to-edinburgh-festivals-12117

Performing at Fringe is the opposite of the gravey train so many on this thread are insisting it is.

yes quite - I really can't get over what seems to be the trad wife takeover of this thread - a mix of that an nativity about how going to Fringe means the man is "investing" in a "career" - only a tiny percentage of performers even break even, most are working and saving all year to indulge this hobby (which is fair enough if it's not at their family's expense, but in this case it very much is).

Disgusting and oblivious comment. I don't say this lightly - you should be ashamed.

Yeah, you can tell many of these people have no idea what it is like to try to survive in an artistic career.

When he finishes his gcses it sounds like there will be a crisis point anyway, as it will grow harder for either of you to wfh with him there.

Sadly I can see how this is falling to you, OP. If you say no your DH will be resentful, but he won't come up with solutions by himself because there aren't any. The only solution is you giving up everything. I would struggle with that too. The only way out is that if he becomes so successful there magically becomes a way to buy care after all, but the chances of that must be very slim. In the meantime, the more successful he is, the more away he is.

I wish I could dream up a solution for you. It seems like something residential is the only chance really?

Sadly it’s what many fathers do.

It sucks when shit fathers achieve stuff in work, sport, whatever partly by being shit fathers and partners. Then receive plaudits.

Forgive me if its already been said , but has ds had a disability assessment for care funding ? I used to work there , social services do this but I forget what its called. And do u get dla /pip?

I haven’t, but two close friends have. Their teenage dc went into supported flats when they left school as the care required was too much for parents to provide long term, and it also provides peace of mind long term and a degree of independence for the dc

One of them is a single mum, and she found it really difficult to start with, but it’s been brilliant for both of them

yes, they obviously still worry, but can enjoy time with their dc without the burden of permanent caregiving

OP's husband is actively trying to improve life for himself, not for OP and his children.

He will have a great time in Edinburgh at OP's expense while she works and cares for all the children.

You refer to 'one disabled child' as though it's a minor inconvenience and OP should be able to easily cope with everything on her own.

Calling OP selfish and saying that she is having a tantrum is just unfair and untrue.

I think the fact that he has booked everything using money that could have been used for a holiday & left Op to sort out the childcare that he should be doing gives a sense of the man & why Op isn't supportive.

And that just for a competition with no guarantees.

Imagine if he gets a couple of gigs off it.

He'll be booking travel & hotels without a though & expecting Op to just deal with it.

Yes you should definitely be more supportive

Yes, but it's incredibly difficult to get.

my cousins adult son has a flat in building for vulnerable adults. He used to gave support but they stopped it for Covid (both because they wanted to reduce the risk of Covid to him & to free up the carers hours to gel others who might not gave family to help them out) they've been trying for 3 years now to get support reinstated.

Hi Op if you are still reading

I am someone who can I think offer my input as someone who has had to sacrifice a very much loved career for caring for my autistic child

I think people replying who have no experience of this are really naive. to say - oh he gets to follow his dream - yeah and we all have dreams!

I cry frequently because I miss my old life so much. but tough shit, thats being a parent of a child with high care needs.

If i wanted to go off and do comedy - I couldn't!!

thats fucking tough shit. sorry - I really can't bear this - oh let the man follow his dreams - any family shoulld support the dreams of all, but the reality of this situation is he is acting like a person who does not have a child with high care needs - leaving you to suck that up.

and someone saying 'I don't have time to sit around throwing away opportunities/ ' what does this even mean?!

I FREQUENTLY turn down amazing work opportunities to look after my child - twice this year I've turned down speaking/ presenting gigs that were my absolute dream. I sobbed with rage and sadness over one of them it was an entire weekend doing something I cared about hugely and would have also been good for my very barely still there freelance career.

But I couldn't do it - because my child has to be cared for and taken to specific provision/ etc/ so many complex reasons that at the moment it has to be me.

It really is absolute bollocks that a parent gets to just unilaterally decide to follow their dream and leave the other parent struggling even more.

That is simply not life with a disabled child - and especially not if its a hobby rather than a paid career.

‘Only one disabled child’ that’s frankly a disgusting comment. The
op has explained the extent of care needed. Do you have two severely disabled children that you have given up your career for that you can be so superior?

I’d say the chances of him being able to earn the kind of money you’d need to be the breadwinner for a family of five from stand up comedy are tiny. An ex-boyfriend of mine is involved in the comedy circuit, goes to Edinburgh every year etc. and speaking to people he knows I always found it surprising how many professional comedians (even ones you’d heard of who regularly headline gigs, win awards and have been on TV) have a second flexible job around their comedy gigs and are also financially supported by a partner or live rent-free with their parents. Almost everyone who does an Edinburgh show spends more than they earn to be there. I think he’s being really selfish and I don’t blame you for being unhappy.

"I fear if you dont support him in following his dreams the resentment will ruin the marriage anyway" How many women give up their wants dreams and aspirations and learn to wait until the kids are older, or if we do want something for ourselves, we dont just do it, spend the money and leave our other halves to sort out childcare, can you imagine. You are not being selfish, and anyone who suggests otherwise is away with the fairies or on a wind up. What sort of support do you think you would get OP if you did the same thing and it fell on one of his work days? He would hit the roof. YANBU in the slightest.

TBH it sounds like a wonderful opportunity and potentially a new direction for all of you so you need to sit down and work it out. Does your son need full time, intensive care? FTB could your older child be paid to look after him on those Saturdays?

I haven't read everything so this may already have been said, but can you access Direct Payments to pay for a few hours of care for your son?

Just a quick update to the thread as I have been absent from it & it has generated a lot more replies than I thought! Thank you to everyone who took time to reply.

My super-kind & understanding boss has now had a reshuffle & is offering me the August Saturday off! I have asked DH to ask FIL about childcare & am waiting for him to do so. It will cost considerably more for me to join DH, so that is also something to think about. On the flip side, DH has come up with an affordable holiday solution for us.

Longer term, we do need to think about care for DS2. Saturdays are compulsory within my contract. DS1 can cover for an hour or two on a Saturday but is developing his career. We haven't looked at Direct Payments, I'm not sure if DS is old enough or disabled enough (currently receiving middle rate care, low rate mobility DLA). We are meeting school for advice on post-16 education this week as that would be something. He is struggling with the heat & suffered a seizure last night with quite a lengthy recovery, which is not something many people are conformable with. His seizures change in nature frequently so not easy to deal with.