DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

Given that he has been down and has been hit by a few things for the last few years I would support him in this trip to Edinburgh. It may be the end of his dreams but if he doesn’t get the chance will resent you.
It would not be unreasonable to say that if he wishes to pursue this longer term you will need to find a way for both of you to make it work.
Could you all go, it would be a holiday in some ways?

I meant a conversation about what favours he could call in, sorry it wasn't clear. You've already gone to enormous lengths to pick up his slack this time.

I would want to hear.. What can I do to make it easier for you while I'm away... otherwise you've just walked into being the default picker up of all the slack which would be a concern.

You have to be supportive,lots of comedians have come through the fringe and made a name/career out of it.
If all goes well you'll be holidaying more often in the future.

I think you do need to not just say "it can't work", but equally, he should be taking the lead in figuring out how it can. Not just leaving that to you.

It sounds like a plan of now and next is needed. You have already agreed with the fringe, so when will he have thw kids for an extra weekend so you can go away? Your ds is on the cusp of adulthood, so what is the plan then? You taking on everything forevermore is not a plan by the way!

Not true at all. Its not a job. Its a jolly masqueradeing as an audition. Hevis spending more than he will earn as it won’t repay the holiday fund. No woman in similar circs would be excused for this behavior.

I'm sure the siblings life is hard enough and should not need to "step up:. I think op and dh have got to get a plan together fast. DS will only get bigger stronger and harder to manage. God forbid one of them get a serious illness what happens then?

I think you should be supportive BUT you sit him down and say that you need to problem-solve the care of your son issue between you - it shouldn't be all on your shoulders. And it should absolutely not mean that you have to quit the job you love - that's non-negotiable. Be explicit about that with him. You want to be supportive and hope he succeeds in his dream, it would be fantastic, but it can't be at the cost of your job and quality of life. What does he suggest re solutions.

It's an investment in the future. If OP spikes his guns now, then he will forever be resentful and rightly so. I might agree with you if he was the sort of person who is always trying things and being unsuccesfull, but I really don't think that seems to be the case here.

Not quite that simple though. Where is the OP’s quality of life.

What changes do you think it will give to the OP if he is successful?

The OP has been very clear that more money will make no difference to her life because money can’t buy respite for her dc.
Her Luve will stay the same if she is lucky.
It will get worse if he is away every weekend and most evenings - she’ll have to stop working, somethimg she loves. She already can’t do her hobby/passion.

How is it going to be a positive fir the OP?

Now add tge fact her dh already thinks that her part time job is insignificant, how do you think he’ll react if she has to stop working FOR HIS CONVENIENCE?

I agree.
And I’m sure this is in the OP’s mind too

An investment in the future? Like buying a lottery ticket or betting on horse racing?

Or do you mean it's an investment against him leaving his wife and children if his wife doesn't unquestioningly support him at her own expense?

The man won't even ask his father to do the caring for their disabled teenager (something the grandfather is willing to do, just not often) because he thinks his wife should step up despite a pre-existing commitment to work which can't be got out of.

It's clear that the majority of people on this thread have no idea what it's like as the parent of a disabled child you cannot get childcare for.

I would find it very hard to be supportive of this, even if he's brilliant he won't be successful overnight and the sacrifices op will have to make to enable him to be are going up be excessive.

He's being incredibly selfish given his family circumstances

I do understand this. But I think that regardless of the comedy thing, long term care for the dc needs to be found: it’s no good for the parents or the child to continue with muddling through, it’s simply not sustainable long term

She has said she has tried. She can't make something exist when it doesn't. Many many parents have to just "muddle through" because they have no options and no choice.

A colleague once said to me "I don't know how you do it" and I said "I don't have any choice.". Until you've lived that reality you have absolutely no idea what it's like.

But you need to think about long term care, residential, because you won’t live forever?

And if the op is going to give up work when the dc finishes school then the comedy thing is the least of her worries

There will be a solution

There will be a solution? Absurd to think that. Just incredibly cruel.

Here is a solution—the dh can give up his job to be a full time carer for his son and OP can go full time. He is proposing that he is going to spend a big chunk of family money and OP’s labor on himself. He no longer thinks or scts like a team player.

Do you have a disabled child?

The options out there are very limited or to put it frankly, shit

Every parent of a disabled child is terrified of the future for this reason.

Im worried ive damned my other children’s future as well

Maybe you could suggest a solution to the OP and all the parents of children with SN?
im sure they’ll be delighted to hear theres a solution.

I don’t mean platitude btw.
But something like ‘this organisation, present in the whole of the U.K., offers residential or sheltered accommodation with SUITABLE carers, support, activities thatvwill allow my child to live in dignity’

Because just now, it looks like you’re living in lala land where support for disabled adults exist.
A bit like this idea that if you have a complex chronic illness (like the OP dc has) you have proper, appropriate NHS support. Even when no one is quite sure of what’s going on.

I’m not suggesting there’s NHS support. But there are services for residential care for adults with additional needs and complex care: this kicks in earlier in Scotland, I think (where I am)

It’s not easy. But a solution needs to be found to look after the DC going forwards, without placing responsibility on the siblings, or ruining the parental relationship

There are services out there

Maybe not, but could you perhaps pay a professional carer?

Absolutely this! It's a no-brainer for me.