DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

Good update @changedmyname24 , I hope things go well for all of you

Glad things are getting sorted, OP. Just to add, as the OH of someone in the arts and surrounded by men in the arts, I'd advise you to work on the basis (in your mind, privately) that your DH won't be successful in comedy - at least not in a way that will mean big money. Make your own decisions based on that and give yourself equal priority always.

Glad to hear that a solution might be possible, very glad. Although it’s notable that your boss has come to the rescue rather than DH conceding... But still the result is good and your boss seems to be a real gem!

Support the fringe thing. It may have made others but is always a long shot, so if he tries and it doesn't go anywhere then there is no lingering "what if."

If it opens opportunities then consider them when they arise.

If someone has become stuck in a rutt helping them try something else can get them thinking about other ways to improve things even if that opportunity doesn't work out.

My boss is amazing. So supportive & flexible. My colleague too is like a best friend. Another reason I love my job.

I’m glad you found a solution. But what struck me is in your op you say your husband is openly jealous of you. Later on you go on to say you’re very jealous of him. Jealousy looms big in your marriage and that’s deeply unhealthy , to not be supportive of each other but jealous and resentful.

in part it did feel like you didn’t want him to go due to your jealousy. And that’s awful, you mentioned your holiday numerous times like your need for that was more important than your husbands career.

i understand having a disabled child is difficult, but both of you being openly jealous of the other, is a really unhealthy dynamic.

I was thinking about my children when talking about the holiday. For a mum of a disabled teen, they are not easy, but we all enjoy them.

I can't help but feel wistful/fed up when DH is out having fun/being praised while I'm being hit & kicked & cleaning. And I would like some of the same. Whether jealousy is the right word there, I don't know. I'm sure it is awful.

And he feels jealous you only work part time. So the point remains. It’s really unhealthy to be jealous of each other like this

Her husband is jeopardising her career by dropping his caring responsibilities on her on a day he knows she's working, and refusing to be responsible for organising an alternative, thinking she should do it.

His career isn't comedy - his comedy costs the family money and is his hobby. It's vanishingly unlikely ever to make enough money to replace a day job or pay 50% of the family's outgoings. Only a miniscule percentage of stand up comedians can support just themselves without a day job (or a partner/ parents supporting them).

I'm sure they could swap roles if he thinks it's that much of a picnic to work part-time and do the caring & shit-work at home.

The resentment on both sides is against the situation, surely.

It would feel uncomfortable to direct the resentment against DS, who after all can't help it, so it's natural enough to redirect it at your spouse instead.

I think this has brought to a head all the burden of finding a long-term solution for DS.

I don’t think that’s an option the op loves her job and earns very little she says. I doubt she wants to work full time, match his salary in a different job so he can stay home and work part time on a low wage, in a role he loves.

Yes that’s clearly the root of it. They are taking it out on each other.

In the short term, yes, I think you should be more supportive. Who knows, he could make it big and it could be life changing for your family. He will never know if he doesn't try, he will have nothing but resentment if you tell him he can't go.

In the long term, it sounds like you are both butting heads about a lot of things. I think it is worth sitting down with each other and being VERY honest about what makes you both unhappy and what you need, not only to be happier, but to make life fairer and family life easier. I think the Edinburgh trip has just brought a lot of things to a head. That's not a bad thing - you will all be happier and your marriage a lot stronger if you can sort out issues now.

The one thing that really stands out for me is that you need a regular break,which is not unreasonable at all. x

I think you are envious rather than jealous.

So sorry to hear how badly the heat has affected your DS, hope he recovers soon.
But good news that you've found a solution to the August issue. I hope you have a lovely time and a good holiday. It sounds like you need it! Best of luck