DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

Look at it this way. If this opportunity gives him the big break he needs, it could change all your lives forever and all your financial worries would be over. You could afford to get help at home and some respite care.

If he was offered a much higher paying permanent day job but it meant some occasional business travel or evenings away from home, would you tell him he couldn't take it?

Your current situation isn't going to improve unless you are prepared to let him try some things that might change it.

I wonder what percentage of aspiring comedians at fringe make enough money to support a family - or 50% of enough money to support a family - from stand-up? Let alone more money than in a regular employed job (especially once they've paid tax and national insurance and travel costs including accommodation whilst away AND in this case that includes enough to pay for someone else to do their share of caregiving for their disabled teenager).

5%?

When women run themselves ragged to support a man's fun passion project "no questions, no doubts" the man quite often fucks off with someone more "fun" (i.e. unencumbered with responsibility) anyway if the passion project does happen to take off and make money.

There are no prizes for being a doormat.

We can't find a carer at all. We have looked before but DS is 15, 6ft, can be violent & has seizures. 10 years ago it was much easier to find care but nobody wants to look after a teen like this. He is in MS school with 2:1 support as he was considered too academic for SS. GCSEs next year then it looks like he will be at home FT.

I work part time (18.5 hours per week) as I have to drop him off & pick him up from school. DH can't due to his work. My job is not well paid but my boss is flexible & it's a 5 minute walk away. It is very fulfilling & the one place i feel valued & seen & appreciated.

I am supporting Edinburgh, he is going. Using family holiday money. On this one occasion FIL would have had DC overnight if we were both going, but I have to work. So DH won't ask him. Awful as it sounds, I am very jealous listening to his amazing weekend being applauded while I am working & caring, being pushed & hit. Selfish, but that's how I feel.

I am of course immensely proud of DH & it would be so different if this were in London & therefore 1 evening not a whole weekend, with flights and accommodation.

Being offered a much better day job is a secure situation. Gambling on a stand-up career is like putting their savings into a slot machine.

May I ask what his condition is, OP?

I know a couple of people who work in the support of people at home whose behaviours can be challenging and sometimes violent. They have specialist training as preparation for moments when things are escalating.

I don't think you should be thinking of making sacrifices yourself. I think you should be supportive as in how fantastic; how are we going to make this work? He needs to play a major part in thinking that through. What a brilliant opportunity, though. Definitely back him up.

Wondering how he is going to do his caring so that you can carry on working as you already do is hardly being unsupportive.

As others have said at the least he needs to be making arrangements for the childcare that he should be doing.

By supportive does he mean picking up his slack & fawning?

You’re not selfish, your H is. You just can’t say that to him because of how he’s behaving and treating you.

The odds of him pursuing a comedy career being good for the family in terms of stability and money are tiny. It’s not financially viable for many who don’t have his responsibilities.

I have been on Mumsnet a long time and read quite a lot of threads involving an artistic DH or male DP wanting to go off and spread their creative wings to the detriment of his spouse. They have generally seemed self-absorbed and all too ready to enjoy the attention that this might bring. Top spot goes to a man who wanted to go to Nashville to 'make it big in country music' while his long suffering wife worked ft and cared for their two children at home.

However, my feeling is that ideally, we should support a spouse in doing what they want to do (because life is short, right?), but that they first need to do the work to minimise the impact on the rest of the family. So your DH absolutely needs to suck it up and ask his Dad, pronto.

For relevance, I am doing my own 'big project' (the sort where people say 'Oh wow, really?') but the difference is that I absorb the bother of it myself. I fit the work in to my own time, almost never talk about it at home, very rarely require anything of DH and so far it has had very little impact on our family life.

But funnily enough, when I have known men to do similar projects it always seems to entail the family moving across the country or the wife making huge personal and work-related sacrifices to support her husband in his endeavours.
I wonder why that is...

On this one occasion FIL would have had DC overnight if we were both going, but I have to work. So DH won't ask him

This is shit. How does he justify that? His dad would have him if you were on a jolly, but because it's work he won't ask him?!

Wtf?

I agree with this.

Saying No to an exciting opportunity will cause huge resentment.

But it's completely understandable that it will put an extra burden on you if it takes off.
However, he does need to consider this and come up with plans to balance things out. At the moment, you've just learned about this so finding back up care for 15 year old is not something you've been actively looking for since you had an arrangement... but maybe this is something that given time you could find a solution for. FIL could step up?

Your boss being inflexible about annual leave - maybe a conversation might let them reconsider? its only one saturday?

Your DH needs to come up with some ideas of how you could get some extra support for whilst he is away...Presumably he would (if lucky) generate extra income that would help. And he needs to acknowledge your job is vital too.

You should try to go to the festival for part of it too btw. It sounds like it would be a good break and also it would give the whole family an insight into what he's hoping to do.

I think this is a tough situation, but imagine if he is successful...it could be life changing for both of you. If not, then it will wind down and he will know that you supported him and didn't stop his dream.

Because now I can look after my DS. While doing 9-5 in my public-facing job. He says we should save FIL for when neither of us is physically there.

Arsehole. It's really taking the piss, out of you, and out of your employer.

’ok dh I hear you on saving fil for when we both get a break, but I’m falling apart and can’t hold on that long to get a bit of support. I’m going to book a day of rest in before you head to the festival, you can take ds to work with you. It will be a Monday or Tuesday.’

Is that how him supporting your career "no questions, no doubts" looks?

I feel like you’re being a bit of a martyr, though I do also see that you’re just really ground down and I get that.

Put your foot down to DH. No, I can’t take DS with me to work, so if you want to go to Edinburgh, we will have to ask your Dad to come and look after him. Be firm.

Exactly - whether it's the man or the woman "following their dream" it's the woman putting in the work behind the scenes to make sure children don't suffer and dealing with the unglamorous fall out on family life and their own career, rest and free time etc.

I also don’t think you’re unreasonable generally.

I also have a disabled child and people who haven’t experienced this don’t really understand the impact on your life - it sounds like you do the bulk of the care and this is actually much harder than working.

Ive also had to go part time to accommodate our disabled child.

It seems like Edinburgh is already a done deal so perhaps get on board with it on this occasion - can you call in sick for that Saturday?

But sounds like a serious discussion needs to be had on the future and your husband being less selfish and how he needs to think about the rest of the family before charging on with things

@changedmyname24 - why does your DH get the last say on seeking support from his father? Having your FIL assist seems very necessary right now.

As your husband hates his job, wouldn't a solution be for him to go part time and care for your son during some weekdays? Then you could work more during the week which might mean you could drop Saturdays. I'm not sure though why he can't look after the kids during the day on Saturdays while you work if his potential gigs are during the evening. Or do you work late/night shifts? You are not being unreasonable at all as he is not even considering the impact all this would have on you. It definitely wouldn't be good for you to give up work as it does sound like you could end up solo parenting if his attitude towards you doesn't change.

this. Being supportive doesn't mean he gets it all his own way. It means that you and he work together on how to make this happen within your family circumstances.

You have done the right thing, difficult though it will be for you.

If you hadn't agreed, in his mind he would have won the competition and he would always and forever resent you even if the reality was that he would have come last.

From what you write, it would have been the death knell for your marriage.

Not many people can stomach the thought or sight of someone who they think killed their dream, snatched away their chance-no matter how pie in the sky or unrealistic that dream might be.

He would always have a scapegoat and, no matter how unfair it would be, that would be you.

Defo a two way street and a difficult situation. If he’s doing stand up he’s going to be away evenings and weekends. A lot. While I do think you should be supportive of that (albeit maybe for an agreed time period), he needs to understand the impact on you and you need to work together to make it work, or your relationship will likely not last the strain.

Why should she? And why would she agree to make her life a hundred times more difficult and lonely unless there is a payback for her in terms of enough money to buy in the extra help she needs? There are things that we would all like to do - OP mentions that she would like to build on her career prospects - but as the parent of a special needs child she sensibly realizes that it isn't feasible right now and the same applies to her DH. Men are selfish pigs by nature and this tendency should never be encouraged.

Is there no respite care you can access at all? No charities nothing local to you? What is the plan for post GCSE when you need to work and your son will be at home full time?

I think this needs to be part of your focus now. Otherwise your world could become very small.