DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

Are you claiming all you can op in relation to your son’s disability? Financial help as well as respite care etc?

I think it's fair for you to feel like that - will the childcare situation potentially improve as your son gets older, or is it likely to get harder? (Or stay the same, ofc). I think it's fair to say that your husband needs to take an active role in finding ways to make this easier for you all, so if that means weeknight gigs only, or working towards finding someone that can be with your son, or completely rearranging things to accommodate EVERYONE's needs (not just everyone except you!).

Your DH needs to understand that you do support him but that doesn’t mean he can just do whatever he wants. Thats not what support is.

He needs to acknowledge the impact on you and actually work at doing what needs to be done to allow him to go and do these things.

If this is a long term plan of his then there needs to be long term planning. And that plan needs to allow both of you time to pursue your respective passions. As he doesn’t enjoy his job, what is he doing about finding another one? Would it work better if you both worked part time and he dropped some hours while you picked up more?

Id also be making it very clear that next year you will be having a holiday and that takes priority over any plans he might want to make given his plans this year mean you miss out.

Is there any potential for your DH to cut back his hours and pick up more of the childcare, and for you to up your hours?

DH calling you selfish over your understandable concerns is horrible. Suggests lack of love and respect for you.

It’s hard for parents and especially with DC with additional needs to pursue passions that are poorly paid and costly (in time and money). Sadly a lot of fathers of DC with additional needs prioritise themselves and leave. Useless.

Your H hasn’t done that - yet - but is prioritising himself and expecting you to do even more than you already do, ie the opposite of what he’s doing.

What he’s saying seems a version of ‘the script’ that perhaps makes easier for him than taking responsibility for his choices and behaviour.

He needs to go out with his mates less then. Why does he get to go out and get respite three times more than you do?

she doesn't work part-time. She works full-time (and more, from the sound of things, since her husband leaves her to cope alone up to 2-3 times per week) - she's just not paid for the caring part.

OP, he sounds like a selfish prick - most stand-ups are in my experience.

It's outrageous for him to expect unwavering support with no questions or doubts - what an arsehole. What he means is you should kill yourself to make it happen for him, without complaint. That's NOT the same thing as support - it's slavery.

If he wants this, he has to make it work - for all of you.

Wow it seems such a great opportunity for H - you should try and make it work if you can. Would you expect the same?

Do you get DLA and PIP? This shouldn’t allow you to book a companion carer a couple of evenings a month

This, how old is ds is he still at school?? Definitely agree of looking into respite support

I know it isn't easy and I don't want to sound as if it is, but you really need to sort out care for your DS. It seems that he won't be independent as an adult (?) and you can't be his main carer in the longer term without some kind of respite. There surely must be agencies who can provide staff capable of coping with all kinds of disabilities and medical issues. Could you start with one day a week, on one of your non-working days, so you get a break and then add in occasional Saturdays as and when your DH has gig work?

I'm so sorry this sounds hard. But it also maybe the push to start making some plans. You definitely need respite and a break too. But beyond that we all get older and this situation will not fix it self. Might be time to start thinking who will take care of your son when and if you and your husband can't anymore. I truly hope you get some help because you all need breaks.

I do think this is an opportunity that can't be missed but you need to work together to find a way to make it work, be it outside help and no holiday. You will resent him unless he listens to you and understands that you need help and he will resent you if you don't let him try. Resentment doesn't make for a happy marriage.

Edinburgh Fringe is a great opportunity. Why not plan for that and then go from there? He may not gain anything from it and it all comes to a natural end, but at least this way he can never hold not going against you.

I hear you. My DS1 needs me as well. His behaviour (not his fault!) Is very draining mentally and my dh works away min 2 days every week- different days sometimes a whole week. Due to the nature of his job I don't work. My work is DS1 (and DS2 to a lesser extent because it's more like a "normal" mum thing) and I am free when DS1 is in activity. Do you have to work? If you didn't then could you pursue your hobbies when your DS is in activity/school? That way you might all get a break.

I’d be looking at this differently. If he does make as a comic, he’ll be around a lot more in the daytime in the week, potentially allowing you to develop your career. It’ll be a juggle and a bit manic but that could be a reality.

And yes, I do think you should support him. Not unconditionally but wholeheartedly.

Agreed.

If this magical big break comes then cross that bridge then. The Fringe Festival is something I'd be leaping at and thrilled for him about.

I would expect a little acknowledgement that it would mean a heavier load on me while he was away however.

Of course you should.

I agree with this. And that’s a separate issue but would improve your life, and be good for your ds in terms of the future

I’d be really sad if my DH vetoed an opportunity like this for me, so I would very much support him with it

i would say that it’s down to him to sort childcare if this becomes a regular thing

You run the risk of being a bitter martyr here.
you have a lot of reasons (caring for DS, not wanting to impinge on FIL etc) if you’ve already had the row (and it looks like you have) then any reasonable reason you try now is likely to be ignored and begrudged.
can you get a 9-5? What does your middle child do during the day? Are they at school?
what will you do when your 17yo moves out?

I think the issue isn’t that you thought you were being shortchanged in the deal, but perhaps that he has failed to acknowledge that you will need to make sacrifices for him to achieve his goals, and is perhaps ungrateful as a result of his open jealousy of your life.

I’ll go against the flow a bit here, I can see why it’s a good move to support him, but I also think a blunt conversation with him about his lack of acknowledgement of your sacrifices for his success needs to happen, and soon. His response will be telling. If he’s in the boat with you 50/50, as he should be, he will acknowledge the extra work you will have to do and sacrifices you’ll make and be grateful you support his ambition, not simply expect it as a given. This, I suspect, may go some way towards you not resenting any success he does have in future.

But he’s asking for unquestioning support, and not coming up with any suggestions as to how to lighten the load he’s shifting on to OP. Why should she facilitate that. It needs discussion and compromise, not capitulation.

Nonsense. No one “makes it” at the local level and replaces work. If he made it nationally or internationally he would never be at home.

You haven't said what you have done to find a paid carer. Someone who can be cared for by their brother who is only 2 years older, cared for by FIL a couple of times a year and go into work with you could surely have their needs met by a professional carer. Have you spoke to Children's Social Care?

I understand why you feel the way you do. I’m a carer (17 and 13 yr old both with asd and adhd) and I’ve dropped from 4 to 2 days a week work now as our 13 yr old ds is very challenging as he’s on the severe end of the spectrum and has learning disabilities and epilepsy. It’s really tough. My DH works full time and is often out 2-3 times a week for a few hours but managing kids with Sen is very hard. I think it’s easy to become resentful because often it’s one person carrying the main caring load and that’s exhausting.

Does your son get DLA? Have you had a carers assessment via social services? You might get direct payments which would pay for a carer. We get direct payment but can’t find anyone as our son is very challenging. We’ve also been recently granted 4 nights respite via social care as well as my son can’t access any Sen related clubs as his needs are too complex. You can make a referral to social services.

Years of caring can batter even the strongest of marriages and it takes a lot of work and I’ve often found myself making the sacrifices though my DH is very good, even though we live in the same house his experience of life and caring is very different to mine. Recently like you I’ve felt utterly ground down by it. So I completely understand why you’d rather him not go because it puts on you. Again. But I think him not going could lead to deep resentment within the marriage. He needs to step up and try to find solutions with you. He maybe blinkered because he sees when you’re not working as time off when really it’s recovery time from caring. He may never understand because it’s not his lived experience and you keep the show on the road so his life and identity have remained in tact.

I’d support him with the trip but talk about how you’re going to make your life work more for you. Think about what you need from him.

Is there anyone you could pay for the day from your son’s school? Or would your oldest son be okay watching him if he could ring you if needed. Finding carers is really tough.

If ur DH's side hustle takes off, he could earn a lot of money & that would mean more money to get you both some respite. In meantime, you both are more than just carers, deserve to pursue happiness.