DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

Is it SYTYF? That's a big deal. If it is, he's done really well to get to the semis.

If you can, make the Fringe competition work, but on the proviso a realistic plan is made for gigs in the future i.e. how many per month, only semi-pro gigs that pay in future etc.

Whatever you decide, it doesn't sound easy. Good luck.

It depends on your family. He has an opportunity which may or may not lead to anything more. But unless he takes this chance he is unlikely to be offered another.
The domestic arrangements will need resolving somehow. Anything from respite care to a one off childcare arrangement.
If he is successful and it starts a new life for both of you, yes it will change the dynamic a bit. He will be happier and bringing more money in. Who knows how much ?
I wouldn’t though anticipate that it brings something negative. Something you cannot manage.
You accept he is depressed and this may be the silver light that gets him out of that depression. He wants to do this. And may feel much better for doing it. Which in turn, is good for your family as a whole. If he is well.
So yes I would support him.

I would look into this. If he doesn't like his job but you enjoy yours it makes more sense for him to be the p/ter and provide more of the childcare.
I also think you need to look further into respite care. I don't know where you are but here there are many different avenues to/providers of respite care for children/young adults and if you can take DS into your work, I'm sure the right provider can cope with him.

What is the longer term plan for your son?

It's not many years until he's an adult and realistically it's going to take your husband a few years to establish himself enough to have very regular gigs. I do appreciate it's easier said than done.

But I just wonder if he feels like it's now or never for him and if he gives it up then it's not like it will be along again next week and yet everything may change with your son's care anyway.

Maybe support Edinburgh as a one off and see what comes from there before looking ahead too far. It may make him but many others realise how cut throat it is as well.

100% agree with this.

It's one thing to chase a dream, but not at the expense of a spouse's career, children's needs, and family money. What good is OP's support if she stands to lose her job and/or loses out on a holiday this year.

This.

What did your carer's assessment say?

How does your child manage at school? Because you seem to be saying that only family can provide care, therefore, your DH must be part of the care schedule.

What's the plan in a couple of years when kiddo is 18? If their condition is very serious, then where are they going to be living as an adult?

I say this with kindness, as the parent of a severely disabled child with a volatile and life threatening condition, you need to deal with your perception of being 'trapped' and 'falling apart'. I rather suspect the issue is more about feeling left behind and invalidated. Your partner following their dream to escape the sheer drudgery of their job is an opportunity for both of you, not a threat.

Does your 15 year old receive Disability Living Allowance, OP?

When is he 16?

I think that his DLA will change to PIP at that point.

I'm wondering whether part of his PIP could pay for some hours of paid support.

I'd be, and have been supportive where my DH career was concerned as I didn't want him to ever get to an age where he'd look back and think "could it have worked"

I was also part time, carring pretty much most of the load with the DC, which never really bothered me.

Let him go, you never know where it might lead unless he tries, and if nothing comes of it at least it would have been an experience fulfilled.

She works part time to care for their child. She’s not relaxing / improving her tennis game / doing yoga etc

I don't think people who have never been in the situation or worked with the population understand the situation with 15 year old boys whose disabilities mean they need 24 hour supervision - it's absolutely nothing like sourcing childcare for a young child in that even if you have the budget (and it doesn't sound as though you do) it can be almost impossible to find anyone willing to do the job, especially ad hoc and not as a full time employed, secure role.

My daughter started babysitting a non verbal Autistic seven year old boy when she was a student. Now that she's working full-time and he's twelve, nearly thirteen she's told his parents she needs to stop because she really doesn't have the time (and doesn't need babysitting money), but they can't find anyone else even though he's actually a sweet boy - people are afraid of him already at 12 (he's already about 5 ft 6, not extremely big but bigger than some adult women, and his behaviour seems unpredictable until you know him) - they now pay her travel time at the same rate as babysitting as she's moved further away for work and she takes him out once per month for four hours - aside from school that's the only time his family have with just their other child, or for the parents as a couple, otherwise one parent is always with and focused on the twelve year old. They've offered to pay travel time as work time for other carers but nobody will take the job.

Telling you to be supportive "no questions, no doubts" in this situation is 100% an arsehole move.

Of course you have questions and doubts!

His telling you to swallow your questions and doubts and pretend not to have them.

His hobby/ passion project - he sorts the carers. If he can't, why should you be grasping the shitty end of the stick for him and smiling and pretending it's great?

I don't like my job (my husband likes his job though) and one of my parents is dead. Can l do what l want all the time and opt out of my share of parenting?! Your husband's selfishness and entitlement are giving me the ick. Is he going to do the same next year so there is no family holiday as he wants to indulge his hobby.m?! Unless he's earning money out of this then it's basically a hobby. He needs to do more care for your child and you need to be given equivalent time off to him

Are you suggesting that the child's father shouldn't be part of his care schedule and that it's on his mother to sort out a way to ensure his father doesn't have any caring responsibilities for his son? Why is that?

Don’t just buckle up, you will end up resenting it. Do support but it’s essential to discuss and come up with ways to address the impact together.

I totally agree with this.

What is dad’s solution for his share of parenting the disabled teen? When does mum get a break?

agree.
you do need to be more supportive and if this part of his career grows then you will have to figure out how to make things work. otherwise resentment toward you and your 15 year old will emerge. emphasize partnership and lean in together to problem solve. congratulations to your husband.

I think this is a bit of both.

Your set-up sounds unsustainable - lack of money, full-time caring and resentment kills relationships. You are both responsible for finding better ways to manage this. Can you work FT and develop your career and DH care for DS full time? Who has the greater earning potential if working FT? Why can't you organise paid care? What were you planning to do to support your DH to be happier if the comedy opportunity hadn't come up? You don't sound like you're both acting as a team in your normal life before this opportunity came along, so it's perhaps unsurprising your DH hasn't behaved as though you're a team when accepting it.

I also think this is an opportunity he should take and you should call in every favour/bit of support you can get to make it work short term. But if this works out as a new career it is a big life change for you all, and you need to face that together and work out a plan that works for everyone.

@PrinceYakimov, it’s not easy to find carers. No matter what money is on offer. It’s not an easy job and a lot of people don’t want to do it.

I think he needs to ask his dad, he can’t go and just leave you to cope. Then you say I absolutely support you this year, we will have to see how it goes.

And that is just selfish. I am all for following your dreams, but to the detriment of the family......nope!

As an interim can you ask eldest DC to do the EO Saturday? Is disabled child not under SS and therefore entitled to respite?

Exactly - when did MN become StepfordWivesNet?

Nobody gets to demand unconditional support no questions, no doubts - I'm frankly astonished at the level of fawning directed towards a man who isn't even observing it - seriously?

He's the child's father, he's using the family holiday budget just on himself and his hobby and going away, leaving his child without care on a day he knew in advance that his wife was working.

In this case he is responsible for organising carers and should be grateful she tried to change her shift/ asked for annual leave to be supportive but accept that it was too late notice and her request was denied and therefore it's his problem to sort alternative care because it was his day and her work was a preexisting commitment.

"Support my project, no questions, no doubts* and no mentioning the shit pile it drops the family into is an absolutely shocking demand from your partner - the equivalent of suck it up buttercup and smile while you do.

To be fair, I and others have said he should sort childcare

I don't know how long your H has been on the comedy circuit, but it's a hard hard graft. Close friend of ours started after Covid, does Edinburgh every year. He does 3-6 evening comedy gigs a week and at least 2 Saturdays a month. If he wants it to take off he'll have to put the time in....

Quite right he should.

The level of fawning toward the Big Important Man and lecturing the inconvenient woman about being more supportive - when he's dropped her right in it with work - across the thread is jaw dropping though.

If things take off for him then there should be more money around for paid help?

This is a great opportunity and may lead to a much better standard of living for al of you if it works out. Of course he should go to The Fringe event and see where it leads. Maybe to a fabulous life and future and maybe not. But if he doesn't go he's going to forever resent you for missing out on(or at least not giving it a go).