Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

@PetulaGordeno lol at all the controlling wives stopping their husbands from going out…

Unlike your arse of a husband OP many men do step up and/or want to be at home with their kids. It’s is so telling that none of his dear friends are there to help him move. I wonder if that’s because he was having an affair and he hasn’t been with friends and then I wonder how long it will take for the affair partner to show her face if so?

I can’t imagine how hard this is OP but you are doing okay. It’s great that he’s no longer getting a rise out of you, keep strong as you are knocking the wind out of his sails with that.

This weekend will be over soon, keep yourself and the kids distracted and get as much distance from the drama as you can. We are all sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you everyone, I’m going hour by hour now and doing my best. The kids are eating their tea and then it’ll be into bath time and the bedtime routine will be starting shortly afterwards for the twins.

He has told me he is staying at his mum’s tonight too, so after having to just take my wedding dress to the tip, I walk back in and he says he has made arrangements to stay there tonight. So he won’t even be here first thing to see the kids. I doubt he will stay even till bedtimes are done for the older two. I honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going at the moment.

Today is the first time in weeks where I’ve questioned if all of this really is my fault and if I was this controlling, irritating wife. I didn’t feel I was as I never told him to do anything, just asked things of him that he didn’t wish to do.

All I’d like to do tonight once the kids are in bed, is to sort out my bedroom now his stuff is out of it, and try to make it mine as much as possible.

I said that to him about their wives being controlling and he just scoffed at me.

I honestly just wish another woman would show her face now, it might help me make some sort of sense of him blowing our entire lives up.

I feel like all I want to do is lie down in a dark, quiet room and have some time to myself but that’s not an option until the kids are in bed.

Sometimes reframing helps:

“I am sooooo looking forward to when he’s gone and the kids are in bed, and I can curl up in my brand new bed, which is ALL MINE, and enjoy the peace and quiet, and a glass of wine”

Countinue to grey rock him OP. Lots of:

• Hmmm
• Oh dear
• That’s interesting
• I see
• Raised eyebrows

Nothing he has said over the past few months has been of any actual use to you. He’s not articulated himself as an adult would at any point during this process. He has just been the usual cowardly midlife crisis man following the very predictable script. They are all so deeply unoriginal.

If we follow what you’ve said about how maybe you were controlling, maybe it was your fault etc for a moment. Did he talk to you about his feelings in a compassionate way? Did he read books and listen to podcasts on how to communicate better? Did he consider what needs of yours were unmet and meet them? Did he encourage you to find yourself after having lots of little babies in a relatively short space of time and facilitate you being able to take up hobbies and pursue passions? Did he go to therapy himself to understand himself better? Did he suggest, arrange and book couples therapy for you both? Did he organise date nights for you to reconnect? What effort did he actually make to change anything?

I already know the answer.

Deep down you do too. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. I know he’s managed not to slip up and reveal this yet but his behaviour screams affair. And if so, there is absolutely nothing that would have made a difference.

The long days and nights spent at his mums? Seriously? I find this hugely unlikely. If I were being devilish I would get in touch and find out but really there no point now, he’s blown up his life and you’re both standing in the crater now. And going by what usually happens, you’ll be out of it and enjoying your new world while he’s still clawing his way up.

Literally everything he's doing has been his decision, hasn't it, though?

None of this is anything you have chosen.

What a pillock.

Absolute git. It must be very temping to tuck a few prawns into the back of the sofa he is taking.

It was lovely to read and honestly if I were in the situation would absolutely give me strength and hope the OP can read these to help her.

OP on the thread I mentioned it followed a very similar pattern and eventually she learned to grey rock and it seemed to really help her, just dont engage because you are not talking to a rational person. I truly believe he is blaming you to make himself feel better but I am sure, like that thread, the other woman will come out once he moves out. Im not sure if that will help you or not but this was not your fault, you are not controlling etc or whatever he says.

Remember if you were this awful controlling person, he wouldn't have married you or stayed all this time, he is trying to change the narrative because he found someone else. Don't let him twist that so much that you believe it too.

I found grey rocking, being very very boring and not giving my exH the reaction he was looking for very effective - he hated it and I found it mentally easier to cope when I was no longer being drawn into circular conversations with him. "Well it was your choice" was a useful phrase when he complained (often) about how his life was turning out. As was "why would I want to do that?" when he expected me to help him sort things out. He hated that - would stomp off saying "of course, why would you" .
This too will pass OP, it will get better honestly

@mummy917

I am late to this thread(s), but caught up today. It’s been a fascinating read! I’ve not read all the replies, but all your posts.

You’re an inspiration, OP, and we’re all rooting for you!

You found your power!

Really hope you feel the great sense of relief after he’s gone tomorrow, although, you’re quite right to expect various wobbles, the true enormity of it all will likely hit you.

However, you have a great support and a balanced mindset, those will serve you well.

A new chapter will start. It’ll be interesting to see how plays out in this next one.

Do look after yourself, be kind, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, give yourself breathing space.

Love the idea of the tidy and spring clean after he’s left, I think that’ll be very cathartic!

Really hope you enjoy being able to breathe and relax!!

He’s gone to stay at his mum’s?!!!
Christ on a bike I have read about some selfish arseholes on here but that wins an award.
He may be with someone else and if he is, to quote Mr T, I pity the fool.
What a waste of oxygen he is. He has four children and on his last night he’s bogged off out again.

Give it a couple of weeks and there will be a post on here. “My son has moved in. His wife threw him out. He keeps expecting me to look after his 4 kids. Isn’t his wife unreasonable…”

I think I'd say,
Every petty and shitty thing you do to me is a petty and shitty thing you do to children's names. Our children. And if you can't understand that, then you're not just a shitty husband, but a shitty father and a shitty man.
Live with that, DH's name.

You're doing so well. He's an absolute arse to do this the night before he moves out.

I'd also grey rock/be dismissive. Its tempting to point out he doesn't understand "controlling" but you are better saying that's interesting/im sure you feel that way/noted etc.

24 hours from now you'll have the place to yourself, away from his selfish deflection and disappointments.

So tonight he's "staying at his mum's".

Of course he is. 🙄

And he couldn't tell you this any earlier because...?

Never mind, he's just showing himself up one last time.

💐💪💐

Just think how much better and lighter you will feel when this weekend is over OP. It is the new start of the rest of you and your children's lives. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

I am pretty confident all these visits to his mums is the OW, he never used to see his mum now he regularly goes for 8 hour visits and thinks he is fooling anyone.

After this weekend, your brand new peaceful life will start, you will keep on growing stronger, your children have an awesome mum and a shite father will just fall by the wayside, you have got this, it’s definitely onwards and upwards 😀

@mummy917

I honestly just wish another woman would show her face now, it might help me make some sort of sense of him blowing our entire lives up.

If you truly feel that way, then I wish it for you! And TBH, I have a feeling that you most likely won't be too surprised if that happens.

For now, focus on YOU. If you need to be in a space, push his shit aside. If you want to be in the bedroom, throw his shit in the hall. Consider that right now, this very instant, it is no longer his home and you're entitled to do whatever you want to do!

You'll get through the rest of the day and if he's sleeping at his mum's just remember the peace there will be in the house tonight with him gone.

I can’t even put into words how downtrodden I feel. He’s left, gone to the gym and then to stay at his mum’s for the night apparently, but before he left I tried to speak to him about the schedule that he has proposed and my reasons for why I don’t agree to it. Straightaway he turned around and said I was only doing it to be awkward, like I have done our whole relationship, “cos this is just what you do”. Our daughter also asked me why he was going to stay at their nan’s tonight so I simply said I would open the baby gate so she could go downstairs and ask him. He then told me (when the twins were in bed and the older two were upstairs before their baths) that this was emotional abuse and manipulation towards our daughter, when all I’d said was “ask your dad why he’s staying at your nan’s, I’ll open the baby gate so you can go down and ask him”. I can’t take anymore of this from him, making out I’m some horrible, nasty person. I have constantly had to tell the kids where he is when they’ve asked, for weeks and weeks now and I purely thought “no, he can answer them for once”. Nothing more and nothing less, but it somehow gets twisted and turned into something awful and so far from the truth.

I feel as though I’m not able to show any emotion because I am berated for that and if I disagree with anything he says, then I’m only doing it to be awkward or the classic controlling. Today is the first time in so so long that I’ve thought to myself that I just can’t take anymore from him. I know he’s moving out tomorrow, but everything he’s said about me and how he’s tried to portray me, has made me terrified that my kids will also start thinking this about me too.

@mummy917 your concerns are understandable but children are more astute than people realise. As they get older they’ll see your behaviour for themselves and will judge based on their experiences rather than what he tells them.

It might be wise to switch all communication to a parenting app, that way it’s all recorded and he can’t keep coming at you with accusations and cruelty. Will also evidence how much (or little parenting he’s doing).

This weekend will be hard but you’ll soon find a new routine and you’ll feel much lighter without his constant jabs and character assassination.

You can do this

kids are incredibly intuitive. They pick up all the vibes. They will absolutely have him sussed out with a bit of time.

Oh @mummy917 - of course he said you were being “emotional abusive and manipulating”. He is quite happy being an absolute shite of a man to your face but he doesn’t want to lie to his children. He cannot cope with the guilt. He knows he is an awful, awful person deep down. He knows what he is doing to not right and he also knows that none of this is your fault.

Think of Sunday morning. Imagine brunch with your fabulous children. You will be a different person in a matter of days when you realise how peaceful and calm your life has become.

It’s hard not to start believing someone when they repeatedly say the same things to you over and over again. You begin to question yourself. He’s absolutely destroyed any self-esteem I had left.

Keep going @mummy917 you have hundreds of mumsnetters willing you on, every step of the way. You are awesome. Keep going. Xxxx