Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

I’ve read your other thread and just wanted to say what a lovely person you sound like, @mummy917. If I knew you in real life, I’d definitely want to be your friend. And I’d be dripping tuna down that bloody sofa for you!

You also sound like a really wonderful mum. Your kids are very very lucky to have you - it’s clear how much you love them and always put them first. I’ll be thinking of you on Saturday - I hope you feel a strong sense of peace and security when that twat has gone.

Don’t forget to plan something to do on Sunday morning as well - it might be weird for the kids to wake up with him and all his stuff not there for the first time. Get them out of the house asap, even if it’s just to go to the park or meet a friend or go out for breakfast.

I will definitely be using There We Are Then as it’s a brilliant acronym 🤣🤣🤣

And thank you so much! It is so lovely to know that total strangers will be cheering us on on Saturday.

What a lovely thing to say @CalliopeFosterBeauchamp🥹 I have often found the way I am has gotten me walked all over in the past, and obviously now as a prime example. But yes my kids have and always will be my number one priority, they are the completely innocent ones stuck in this shit show 😩

I will definitely plan a park/picnic trip on Sunday morning, thank you for the advice! I’ll be honest I hadn’t really thought much past Saturday but having things for them to look forward to will definitely help 😊

I am taking my two eldest to the cinema tomorrow night (well, tonight technically as it’s 2 in the morning) to see the new Toy Story film so they’re very excited about that and I’m hoping it’ll be a nice distraction and a chance for us to have that time together if they’re feeling a bit wobbly or uncertain.

That feeling when he is truly gone will be a weight off your shoulders - but it’s normal to feel sad upset and scared as well. Once all his stuff was gone - which I insisted had to go within a month of him moving out - I went through every room gradually decorating, changing things around, painting rooms colours I know he’d hate to make the space feel mine

Oh and I got myself this which is hung proudly on the wall in my room to remind myself everyday that we were better off without him

I am very much looking forward to feeling like a weight is off my shoulders but I know there’ll be wobbles along the way too. I’ve been buying bits and bobs while he’s still here and I’ve pretty much changed my whole bedroom; got myself a new bed that is just mine, bought things he would’ve never liked to decorate and the next room will be the living room and then my eldest wants his room changing from Marvel themed to football 😊

Ha ha I love the picture, it’s nice you have something to remind you just how far you’ve came too 😊

I just want to reiterate op you need not just important documents but precious things and essential things to them - have you a baby box? Some photos of the dc that are precious to you, their bikes- that’s work and $ to replace, their sports gear if they play for a team, their favorite stuffies. The kitchen knives. He’s taken the sofa- how can you trust he won’t take the good pans and the knives? You or someone intimidating needs to be there, and you need to take more things out. Like maybe it’s not necessary, but if it is necessary then it’s too late to find that out after.

He is taking both the pans and the kitchen knives; he was the main cook and he was quite pretentious when it came to his cookware. He bought Jamie Oliver tefal pans during the first lockdown in 2020 and I bought him the knives back in 2019. They’re again another thing I’m not bothered that he’s taking, I’ve bought new ones that will do the same job but nowhere near as pricey!

The kids’ sentimental stuff such as baby boxes and first outfits etc are all in a locked box in the loft that I keep the key to in my purse.

Our kids have teddies that are their favourites that they take to bed with them every night so he won’t touch them, but we will be dividing the rest of their toys and letting them choose what they want to keep here and what they want to stay at his house.

OP, sounds like you are doing a tremendous job. Keeping it factual, emotions in check. Well done -

There may be an emotional drop when you find your new normal. It's to be expected, you've possibly been told this in therapy.

Sending love.

Thank you 😊 I’m fully expecting to have a good few wobbles over the next few weeks. I still have a lot to navigate through such as going back to work in July at some point but first and foremost is making sure the kids are happy and settled in their new routine.

If you can change those locks asap. On his way to his oh so important tattoo parlour he could have taken his lazy arse into a locksmiths to copy all house keys. If you’ve got a garage is there a way to protect that too? Can’t imagine changing that lock would be cheap.
totally get what you said about being who you are has meant you’ve been walked over. But you are that person for your beautiful innocent children and that’s what matters. Not for him, his family or his friends.
If you have shared couple friends think very long and hard about what you say to them. People change allegiances very quickly when they gossip. Wiser m’netters than me could advise you on this no doubt.
From a stranger - a big strong heartfelt hug.

We don’t have a garage, only a drive.

Yes I have always known I’m far too soft but that’s just who I am. I am determined to not let all of this make me become bitter though. However, it has made me re-evaluate what I will and will not tolerate in the future.

Hi OP, I've been following your journey from the beginning and you are AWESOME!
Currently going through divorce myself from an alcoholic, narc, abusive twat so I have huge admiration for the courage and dignity you are showing dealing with your STBXH's crap! Plus, you are a fab mum and your kids will only thrive and fly with you beside them, they are so lucky.
I'm having my first tattoo on Saturday (aged 58😜), a phoenix rising from the ashes, surrounded by stars to represent the goddesses (my family and friends) who have shown me how to face the hard shit, pick up the pieces, fight to get back up and hold my head high.
I'll be thinking of you as it's happening because, dear OP, you are a goddess too 🥰

Ah I’m so glad you are feeling much better now and are starting to come out of the other side! Good luck for your tattoo, it seems a very fitting one 😊 xx

I'm in awe at how strong you've been during such a difficult time!

I’m not sure if it will continue like this. I’ve had a few wobbly moments today but trying to keep busy.

This is not on OP, just an observation after reading so many threads on here.
Maybe there’s an odd decent man out there who leaves with grace but either on MN or in real life I’ve yet to hear about one.
Usually after lying and breaking hearts they lie all the way out of the home and into the new one.
They fail to provide on so many fronts for the wife/partner left behind, and rarely minimise damage done. They take stuff from their original home leaving the family without. They don’t stick to any agreement on anything.
They still see the family home as storage, their own territory or a place they can pop into to visit the kids.
They have no concept that the wife/partner is an equal parent. She is there to care for the children, the home and work whilst they get to forge a new life for themselves.
And yet men are revered the world over for being leaders, the ones who build, explore, conquer, who go to new planets, invent, lead nations and companies and so many other things that have traditionally been their territory.
These same men with their responsible places in society can’t put together a straight story, arrange moving into a flat, or come up with a more plausible story than they are going to their mum’s/mate’s/brother’s when really they are up to no good.
These upstanding members of society do not for one minute think what it will be like for a couple of toddlers having to sleep in strange rooms in a flat that isn’t their home.
I am not suggesting all women are perfect and that none of them leave a mess in life. Many do.
But it seems to be so prevalent now.

I don’t think I realised how common it was until it happened to me and I spoke to so many women on here about it who have gone through the same. Having another relationship is the furthest thing from my mind at the minute, however if the time ever does come where I consider it again, I’ll be extremely wary and probably cynical.

This⬆️. Whilst my divorce was going on, I got anything I couldn't bear to lose and any important documents out of the house - just in case. It's surprising how low they will stoop

I’ve been following your threads @mummy917 and think you’ve handled everything brilliantly my only point was that it’s fairly obvious that unless something changes he is going to struggle with the children on his own for any length of time but on no account start letting him only have 2 of them at a time . Good luck for the weekend .

Move things around at home. I moved bedroom around and some other bits. Good luck x

You can also say, “How brave you are to bring your insecurities out in the open. And I have to say, it’s been quite exhausting to have to manage basic life issues for a grown man. What a relief to not have to take care of you anymore. Maybe now you can grow up.” I do love “There We Are Then”.

Bloody hell, are you me?? I could have written this word for word!!

Thank you everyone 😊 currently got my eldest 2 at the cinema to see the new Toy Story film as a treat. I am going to make the house completely our own and on Monday when the kids are in school and nursery, I plan to have a big declutter and deep clean.

You are owning the hell out of this situation OP. You are an absolute queen! 👸🏻 And I so admire you!

Not kind to judge him for minimum wage job. A job is a job and at least he was working...