Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

This bit was always going to be really shit. You will find your strength again. So many in your corner, you will come through it.

@mummy917

You’re so close! Hang in there!

You’re human and coping with immense stress!

He’s projecting out what he’s doing.

I’ve got a horrible feeling you’re going to need a court order or something official in writing for the access stuff as I really don’t think he’s going to be reasonable at all, yet expect you to be for any change he wants to make on whatever whim he has, otherwise he’ll become abusive to you.

Defo use a parental app, and keep it all in writing!

I definitely feel as though we will need something in writing and court ordered too because he thinks he can manipulate me into submission, but if it’s a schedule I don’t agree with because he wants to make sure he has his Friday “off”, then I won’t agree to it.

I feel as though I’m not allowed to show any human emotion, because when I do, it’s turned round on me or I’m belittled for it.

He stuck the knife in again earlier and said to me that tomorrow will be the best thing he’s ever done and when I said “same”, (purely out of hurt for what he’d said to me), he said “that must be why you were crying earlier” as if he got some sort of kick out of knowing today has been really hard for me.

I am going to download a parent app. I genuinely don’t have the brain capacity for it tonight. The eldest two are finally asleep and I’m just sat worrying over what this is doing to them.

Everything he calls you - awkward, controlling, abusive, manipulative... he's projecting.

It's him that's awkward, controlling, abusive, manipulative etc.

Don't engage. Don't defend yourself. Just say your mantra - there we are then. To everything he calls you. You are NONE of these things.

I'm much more reactive and would have told him to fuck off and not to come back. I'd have moved all of his stuff outside for him to pick up. Perhaps I would have made a bonfire to keep me warm on these chilly nights. Maybe accidentally taken a pair of scissors to his clothes. Or tripped with some bleach right onto the pile of his things...

Please, @mummy917 , do not give anything he says any credence.

He is trotting out the same tired old lines: you're controlling, you're being awkward, you're being emotionally abusive etc etc.

You are not being any of these things, and you know it really.
You're just feeling low and emotional because it's becoming real now. And he's been being horrible to you all day.
And he broke it to you at the last moment that he would be "sleeping at his mum's" tonight. Of course he should be the one to explain that to the kids! You don't know why he's doing it 🤷‍♀️

Please don't let him manipulate you into feeling any guilt at all.

And don't worry about the kids, they will realise what the truth really is.

💐

He's unbearable, OP. What a mean, horrible thing to say, that it would be the best thing he's ever done to leave. How spiteful. How can he talk to the mother of his children like that?! He's a nasty piece of work. Keep of focussing of yourself and your kids. I'm so sorry your husband has turned into this piece of shit.

Why does he want 'his Friday' off - what's that about?

Any schedule has to be agreed by both of you.

I suspect you're going to have to go to Court eventually.
But until then, use an app...

Remember to be kind to yourself, OP 💐

I would have said, "I am crying for all of the lost and wasted time I spent on you; time I will never get back. However, I am also crying over the sense of relief and freedom I finally feel from being free of your dour, oppressive, and insecure ways. Now...piss off and good luck getting your sofa into your new girlfriends place. I hope she's the arm-candy you need to make yourself feel less fragile about that ginger, receding hairline. Toodleooo Mother-Trucker."

(I'm also a red head! Kick us where it hurts! 😅 Go for the ginge insults! I think I read you saying he has ginger hair!?)

Also, my hats off to you for how admirable you have been during these 3 months!

Don't worry about potty training and putting rules on yourself to get things done; potty training will happen eventually. Baby-steps. You've done enough today. You cannot refill from an empty jug - Look after -you-, so you can refill your children.

I feel for you op. I'm sorry he's doing this to you. It absolutely sucks xx
I've been there. My ex also had me on my knees like this, emotionally. (Thankfully we didn't have kids).
I didn't understand at the time that (like another poster pointed out) - that he was projecting. All those things he accused me of were simply HIS personality traits ..but I didn't understand this at the time and have never even heard of "projecting". This was over 20yrs ago. He had me second guessing myself constantly until I thought I was going mad.
Please please don't waste another second thinking this is anything to do with you. Show him all the emotion you want, be you, don't let him stifle you any longer ...he will respect you more if you stand up to him, look him in the eye and tell him to absolutely FUCK OFF and mean it. Tell him he's vile and mean it. Tell him you honestly don't give a flying fuck what he think of you anymore because his opinions are worthless.
He's like a nasty, snappy dog - trying to scare and control you (because deep down he's scared/messed up). Stand up to him, don't give a shit about what he thinks (because why would you care about his screwed and messed up opinions on any case?). His opinions are worthless.
Show him your strength and hopefully he'll slink off with his tail between his legs.
We're here for you. One day at a time xx

It's difficult, but stop engaging with him @mummy917
Protect your children, but be truthful.
Yes, it was passive aggressive to tell your daughter to go ask her father why he was leaving. Let them do that on their own volition.
Get a court order and a legal separation and custody agreement. Be the adult and take charge of it.

What a nasty spiteful man. Not only does he want all his own way it all has to be your fault. I rarely get angry about Mumsnet threads OP but your sad excuse for a husband has me furious.

You are treading the same path as countless others OP.

Ignore it but don’t forget it. Reality is going to hit him hard soon and then the favours, emotional blackmail, woe-is-me bullshit will begin.

Remember this moment and keep your head held high. You are showing your children integrity and bravery. They will take that into their future relationships as the decent way to treat people.

You are amazing and you will get through this

What a nasty prick he is. How disgusting to twist the knife like that, as if it’s you pulling the rug from underneath him instead of his choice to leave. It seems to me he’s expected and hoped you’d be begging him to stay as the time drew closer so he could save face and stay - but with incredible new T&Cs such as zero parenting expectations on him and never being challenged ever, while he’s draining the family pot on tattoos and spending 12 hours a day at his mums or out with the lads. And now he’s lost control of the situation and seeing you so strong he’ll say and do whatever he can to be hurtful.

why he’s acting like the wronged party is beyond me, does he have form for deflecting and being a spiteful bastard when he’s ashamed of himself?

You have been beyond amazing. Your bedroom is now your sanctuary, don't allow him over the threshold tomorrow for any reason.
He is digging the knife in deeper because you've started grey rocking him, because you've shown him that you do not need him or want him and he's trying to justify to himself why he's doing it all.
It's because the effect of grey rocking has worked, he's losing his control over you and he's just going for the most hurtful attack because he was hoping you'd fall to pieces and beg for him back. His ego is hurt so now he is hurting you.

Stop speaking to him face to face, regarding the schedule do it all via email or a parenting app.

I’ve read all your comments on both threads @mummy917 and can only echo what everyone else is saying….you are doing amazing and he is being truly vile. Keep going, be kind to yourself and hunker down with your kiddies for the next 24-48 hours and hold on tight ♥️ you will get through this. You are fabulous and teaching your little ones how to respect people…..be strong, we are all rooting for you ♥️♥️xx

Whoever it was that said he was so bothered by what happened with your daughter because he can lie to himself and pretend this is all your fault and project it on to you so he can look you in the eye and lie, but can’t face seeing the hurt he’s caused your daughter, is correct. That’s why he’s being so nasty.

He's also being nasty and lashing out because you have been less emotional and haven’t played the pick me game like he thought. That will be a real bruise to the ego for him.

@mummy917 I hope that this will cheer you up, a friend of mine met an Aussie and after a raprid romance, he moved in and before you could say knife, they were engaged. He worked in construction and cleaning his work gear totally nixed her washing machine, so they bought a new one... Sadly by this time she started to realise why he was still single in his mid 40s... not sure if it was the skid marks on the sheets, or his meanness in getting up early and putting his alarm on snooze to keep going off so he could dodge paying the Dartford Bridge tolls. Anyway, he decided to go back to Australia (taking the dodgy looking engagement ring which his mother has sent over to him to propose with and yes it was hers and really ugly) but when he moved out, he tried to take the washing machine with him... until she asked, if he was taking it as hand luggage on Qantas. Drink might have been taken on the night he left! Good luck tomorrow and be as controlling as fuck, no longer your circus or your monkeys... there we are then.

The next 24 hours will be hard, but then him and his nasty comments will be gone and you will get your peace back.

Hi OP nothing to add to all your wise supportive posters except… There We Are Then! That’s all he deserves. I know it’s so hard to change your mindset after years, but unfortunately you are taking his crap on board and you really are getting upset.

Just as he wants.

It will be difficult to be po faced while he blames and projects but honestly you will get better at it! You are allowed to have bad days - but this is not your fault no matter how much he stamps his foot. We can all see how his nasty remarks are getting to you…sending hugs

As little contact as possible op cold and detached . Don't give him a inch he spent deserve that kind of acess to you and your emotions anymore ,,he's just took the rubbish out himself by leaving . He's lost everything all you have lost is giant heap of shit xx

Every accusation is an admission.

Try and remember, you know you can manage this life- children, work and a home. You’ve been doing it. Your life is about to get easier.
He however- he’s clueless. He’s about to have his DC 40/60 and he hasn’t got a clue. He doesn’t know how to go out with them or how to stay home with them. How to put them to bed or how to get them up and ready on time. And he’s going to be learning this alongside work and looking after his house on his own. Oh, and he’s crap with money as well, prioritising tatts over his kids’ beds or the divorce he wants.

You are in such a strong position. He’s going to be floundering.

Be upbeat with the DC about being at their dad’s. When they say things that are less than ideal, don’t get anxious and worried- treat it like an adventure. Oh dear, Daddy hasn’t had time to do any cooking? So you’ve been having carpet picnics! What fun!
That’s not about covering for him, but about helping them be resilient while he drops a few balls.

We all believe in you. Trust us.
He’s lashing out. Your daughter pinned him down and he didn’t like it. See his weaknesses. They’re not yours, despite what he says. Ignore his pathetic and cruel words and focus on his actions. He’s throwing away the love of his wife and his children, the respect they had for him, and the lovely home life he had. What a loser he is. He’s proved this by being alone today when “his friends” could have helped. No one was there which says it all.
Your life is about to ascend whilst his is about to descend.
You’ll come through this. Four children, your family and friends and shedloads of us are with you. 💪

Exactly this 👆🏻
Of course, it's very hard in the beginning (for most of us) not to take these comments to heart and ruminate...you loved him for years afterall.... but believe me, once you get some distance from him you will be start to gain a more balanced and healthy perspective and see the wood for the trees. You will see him for who he is....and eventually any nasty remarks will become more and more like water off a duck's back because you will no longer respect him for treating you in the appalling way he has.... which, by default, includes your children!
Sending huge hugs 🫂

This is so simple OP, would any decent man carry on like this? Seriously?

The rubbish has taken itself out.

@mummy917

The parenting app is a good idea. Everything will be in writing so he'll be more careful of his words. But please remember that app or no app, from now on you don't have to put up with his abuse. You no longer have to sit and take it and you don't have to defend yourself in any way. You can put down the phone on him or shut the door in his face. You can block him on your phone. You are free. Your home will now be a place of peace and calm.

I think you should make it a priority to secure your privacy and your peace as soon as possible. I wouldn't trust simply getting the key back, if he'll even give it to you. He's not a fool, he'll have had a key cut in expectation of that. I'd get a Ring doorbell and either change the locks or put chains on the doors. Personally, I'd change the locks. I know, we aren't supposed to do that. But it's one instance where I believe I'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission.

BTW, if you have a Ring and he is the 'master' account, you need to actually transfer the ownership to you. Just changing the password doesn't always stop someone from watching live view or recorded videos with a 'shared user' or a 'guest profile' established.

Today was a hard day for you. But it will get easier. Grit your teeth and persevere.