Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

Not enough petrol to drive his kids to school, but spent 400 pounds on a tattoo this month?

A PRINCE among men! 🤣

Just maybe it might be a good move for the children and for financial fairness if you grit your teeth, get the ex to come round and split everything that possibly hasn't been sorted? Half the bedlinen, half the children's clothes, half the toys, half the shampoo, half the Christmas decorations and other apparently petty stuff. Act as if 50/50 is going to work. You're then squeaky clean on absolute fairness and it'll be so, so much easier if the DCs can find things that they know are theirs at their father's home. Because then they may be less disturbed about being away from 'home' (I.e. their lovely mother) if the other place has stuff that feels like home too. (They won't care about beds and sofas: they will care a lot about things like familiar pyjamas and books and bedside lights).

OP, I think we all could have predicted he was going to be useless with getting the kids set up and everything, but I did not anticipate the sheer scale of the uselessness that has unfolded over this weekend. The man can't even sort out the most basic of basic things - beds, bedding, cutlery and plates. WTAF? Does everyone not know that you need these things when you move somewhere new? Also, he needs his mummy to come round and help him with his own children! I know there are four of them, but if he'd actually been doing as much parenting as you, he would have been OK. Kind of makes me laugh to think of him and your MIL struggling through, when you've always just handled everything.

The thing about him always being in shorts 🤣🤣🤣🤣

No, she needs to call it Twat Towers! 🤣🤣

@mummy917

This may be a good idea. Part of the problem and repeated cycles in these sorts of circumstances are that really caring, empathetic people, see-saw with those who really are not. They naturally expect the others to think and behave the same as they do. They do not. Think large weight imbalance and with someone who won’t take their turn on pushing it back up. Like that. Don’t get stranded at the top!! 😂

How was your night out with friends? Were you left in peace?

Hopefully you have been able to enjoy another lie in. And that the return goes well enough.

It’ll take a few rounds for everyone to get the rhythm of it.

I’ve had what I would class as a lie in and woke up around 7 😊

My eldest is coming home at half 8 this morning as he has cricket and he’s bringing home the other 3 and 3pm.

I really enjoyed last night, although I did struggle to relax a bit at first. He’d messaged me yesterday saying he’d had a terrible night with the youngest 3 on Friday and I was half expecting him to ask to bring them home yesterday, but he didn’t.

I’m so excited to see them all today, the house has been very very quiet!

Having you do the cricket run isn’t anything like 50/50 but I bet it will be lovely to watch him without having to care for the others at the same time.

I hope you have a lovely morning with him

Yay! Well done for surviving your first weekend and for having an enjoyable night. I’m so pleased he didn’t text you last night and spoil the evening for you.

I imagine he’ll be rocking up with the youngest 3 before 3pm today though.

I imagine this is one of the first times he’s had all 3 young ones completely on his own before overnight (and probably for any length of time too during the day!) so it’s going to be a steep learning curve for him. I really hope for the children’s sake he steps up and starts adulting and doesn’t decide it’s too hard and walk away, but only time will tell.

Maybe the op and eldest should go for a coffee date from 2:15 to 3… make sure he appreciates that she’s not available

He still wants you to carry him through life, doesn't he.

If you are so ‘controlling’ OP why is reporting back on how he is getting on?
I bet Friday was a real fun zone for him in that heat.
You think he’d be enjoying his freedom with his kids not telling you he was struggling.
He has no idea of the hurt he’s caused.
And I’m renaming him Half Twatoo.

Enjoy the cricket!
You not only survived your first weekend with them all away but you’ve managed to have a good nights sleep too!
You can be annoyingly bright and breezy when he does return looking tired, harassed and stupid because he can’t really cope with his children on his own and has to get help from his Mum…
I suspect when the others know your eldest is coming back to you, they will want to do the same. If that happens I would take them all off him at the same time rather then upset the smaller ones if you can take them all to cricket, this weekend will have been odd for them too.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend x

Thank you everyone, it’s been hard on all of us I think. If the other 3 want to come back at the same time then I’d be more than happy to take them all to watch my eldest play cricket 😊

I don’t think he sees having the kids as freedom, he has still been asking for his “full weekend off” starting from the Friday morning. Do courts etc see Friday daytime as a weekend? I didn’t think they would as a lot of parents work mon-fri so I’d have thought the weekend would start after school/when the parent finishes work. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong? It angers me because he’s wanting to drop them back off the Friday morning for his own selfish reasons and I’ve had enough of accommodating his selfishness.

@mummy917 your absolutely spot on, friday is a weekday and for most people the weekend would start on friday night! He will never end up doing 50/50 so you will be entitled to maintenance

He’d messaged me yesterday saying he’d had a terrible night with the youngest 3 on Friday

Oh dear.
There We Are Then.

Why does he think you should know these things?

Does he think that you've never had a terrible night with them??

Or it's noteworthy because it's him?

Has he ever had all 4 for any length of time & done bedtime alone before?

(Sorry it's probably already been mentioned)

I’m definitely considering going down the maintenance route. I just think the sheer audacity of “wanting the whole weekend off” has made me so angry and think to myself that no, he’s also their parent so he bloody well needs to step up and parent properly or not at all!

Even though we aren’t together anymore, there’s still no “days off” as parents. Part of me is now wondering if he’s left us so he can have that “freedom” of no kids for half the time. I don’t know why I’ve woken up and feel so annoyed.

@mummy917 you've probably hit the nail on the head! You will get through this and you are doing fab, the man is a disgrace and you and the kids deserve so much better!

@mummy917

And there’s your anger. We knew it would arrive and quite rightly.

Write the things down that annoy you, they may well be quite valid and useful, but also, helps them not just erupt in an unhelpful way, and at an unhelpful time.

He wants a 3 day weekend every other weekend 😂 Because he works so hard?!

When he hands them back complaining how hard it was, because he’s really not practiced at it, then it’s time for the “Oh dear….”

I think you’ve been incredibly magnanimous throughout - he clearly only wants “50/50” - which isn’t actually 50/50 to avoid maintenance.

I would be keeping a detailed record of ALL the things you’ve had to do to either accommodate him or support the children - no nappies, not answering FaceTime, asking for Fridays off, etc as together it forms a cohesive picture of someone who isn’t going half the parenting.

And I would absolutely be going for maintenance. You’re not a partnership now and he doesn’t get to benefit from you picking up the pieces so he can lead his best life.

FAFO.

Op your doing fantastic and today you're found your anger, good for you!!

So you need a rota, and if he wants a weekend off thats fine but he then gets to have the children Monday after school till Thursday morning and then he gets them the weekend, just move what days he doesn't want that week to the Monday, he can not or should not be picking and choosing when it suits him, its ok to move things around for both of you, not just him,

So ok twatty that's fine you have the weekend off but your got them Monday after school till Thursday 😊

Here's your anger!

No he can't pick and choose, and certainly not without affording you the same courtesy. Weekend Friday pm - Sunday pm for both of you. If it is his weekend to have the kids it should be those times and if it's your weekend it's the same. Obviously you can flex it around to suit. It could be Saturday AM to Monday AM (including school drop off). But you should have the same. His previous pattern was all about what he wanted but didn't think for one minute that you also need space, time and freedom. And most importantly that he should be spending time with his children.

At this stage I think you need to ask him to be honest with you, does he genuinely want the children 50% of the time so he can spend time with them or is he doing it to avoid maintenance. Because you genuinely want to spend all your time with the children, so if he doesn’t you’d rather he just bowed out now and not upset the children further. Most mothers and good fathers would want to be with their children for the majority of the time, they aren’t constantly looking for time off. If he wants to live his life without the restraints of childcare he needs to walk away.

If he’s just seeing having them every other weekend as a chore (and he actively wants long weekends without them every other weekend) they are going to pick up on that and it’s going to be far worse for them emotionally in the long run than if he walks away now.

Yes you’re all absolutely right. If he doesn’t want to do the actual parenting and spending time with the kids, then he should do the decent thing and walk away now.

I tried speaking with him when he dropped my eldest off at half 8 and all I got was “I’m not talking about this”. All I’d said was that Friday is not classed as part of the weekend until it’s after school hours or when a parent finishes work. He said “well I don’t work a Friday.” And my comeback was “well I don’t work a Wednesday but you won’t find me saying that I can’t or won’t parent on that day because it’s my day off.” And he left. What on earth did I ever see in him?!?

I think you've hit the nail on the head there OP, he wants 50/50 in name to avoid maintenance not because he wants to be an equal parent - he's spent your relationship with you picking up his slack, it's just become far more obvious now and he expects you to continue so he can have his "freedom" and check out from his responsibilities. Let him make his bed for a bit, see what he does of his own accord, record everything and by the time you get to mediation/court it will be blatantly obvious that he's not doing 50/50 through his own choice and has no intention of doing so. If he wanted to then he would without you asking...There We Are Then.