Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

But you are.

You have grown four humans in your belly (two of them AT THE SAME TIME!), you have kept them alive (often single handed) for a really long time and you have put up with soooooooooooo much crap - you are flippin' SUPER HUMAN!

Even if you don't feel it right now, in this minute, you are an absolutely towering figure of a mother and a truly miraculous woman.

This will be one of the hardest days, @mummy917 , but it will pass, like all the others have done, and will do.

Just take a couple of deep breaths, focus on your kids and ignore him as much as possible.

Maybe take the kids out to the park if the weather's fine?
Sit with them and read a story?
Water play in the garden?
Put on a kid movie?
Distraction for all of you ...

Sending an unMumsnetty hug 💐

You've got this 💪

But you are strong enough - you’ve proved it time and time again.
You’re going through all this for a happier future for your little family - without that complete waste of space.
Keep strong OP!!

I think today will be the worst day as he’s being an absolute arse. Piling on the pressure and leaving you with 4 kids to care for.
I think once he’s finally gone, you’ve cleaned up, and got into a new routine it will become easier.

You may not feel strong but you really are, you have done so well throughout this and I have no doubt you will continue to be but you will wobble, its expected, this has been a lot. Hopefully you have plenty of support.

Someone linked to an old thread on here previously and that user continued to post for years, it might be worth reading it if you hadnt. She really struggled to begin with but honestly it sounds like she slowly came out of it realising how much better she was and I think you will too. Well worth a read when you are having those wobbles.

Instead of trying to get your head around it today, and the next couple of days, maybe distraction is a better strategy and then you can start to process it when you're in a quieter space next week.

As PP suggested, the park or a walk or anything today to distract yourself, tire out the kids and not having to see/hear him who I expect might get nastier as his packing goes on without you doing the organising for him. 💐

Also you don't have to cook tonight.

Grilled cheese sandwiches with carrot and cucumber sticks and some crisps - job done. And yummy.
Fruit for dessert.

💪 💐

I was sat in a waiting room the other day, two hour wait and that thread was linked and I took in every thread and the poster’s progress was amazing and kept it up right through lockdown as well.
At the beginning she was heartbroken by the end free, lovely home. Promoted at work, kids thriving it was lovely to read the final thread.

The buildup to something like this is always hard. Just keep on keeping on as best you can (and you're doing AMAZINGLY, don't doubt it!) and once he's gone you can breathe a big sigh of relief and start fresh. It IS going to be better once he's gone. You've just got to get to that point.

When my EX brother in law moved out, he took all the wrapping paper and gift bags that my sister had bought and stored. WTF?

These men are just vile 🤮

You don't have to be strong. It's a sad day and it's natural that you feel the sadness. He will be the biggest loser but is so deluded he doesn't even feel what he should. Just hang in there. The days pass and the sadness gets less.

You're being amazingly strong! You may not feel that you are, but you're doing brilliantly.

And well done for the 'there we are then', so satisfying. 🏆

I promise you, it gets SO much easier when the man-child moves out. One less person to look after and you get to do day-to-day parenting on your own terms without their interference.

Thank you all again and again for your kind words and advice, it has helped keep me going alongside obviously the kids and my family and friends in real life.

My head just feels absolutely battered and every time he calls me names or belittles me, even though I stood my ground today, it grinds me that little bit further down.

He said to me earlier that this is all my doing because of the reasons he’s leaving me and when I called him out on that too, he got defensive straight away again. I told him he is incapable of taking any accountability. I honestly cannot wait for him to leave now. I feel as though I’ve had no peace in my life whatsoever for 3 months.

“I’m not the one who invested all of my time and energy on relationships outside of the family—relationships with people who won’t even give you a few hours of your time.”

Just think, soon you won't have his totally ludicrous BS in your ear to wear you down!

OP, I've just read through both your threads and I'm absolutely in awe of how you've handled yourself and this situation. You sound like an incredible mother, and he sounds like a pathetic bully.

I'm sure today and tomorrow will be very difficult for you, take care of yourself as best you can x

Get your head thinking short term forward - what colour are you painting your bedroom? Change a few rugs around rooms, or move curtains, or - important - new duvet cover? New for you bedding. Find some paint swatches. Get your head out of the +why / how / what did I miss+ thoughts and get busy with other stuff.

Sounds a bit mad now but I bought some cheap butterfly wall stickers, painted my bedroom (wall by wall because life meant I couldn't do it in one go) and put up butterflies. Made it my room (9 years we'd been in that house and he'd not put up a picture or lifted a paintbrush). I had a rubbishy old nest of tables that I sanded and painted.

He came in once (think it was dodgy electrics he offered to check) and did a sneery thing about how he preferred minimalism. There We Are Then would have been so so perfect - thanks to the poster who added that up thread (was it the old thread)? - I'm going to get a lot of deep private joy from that in the future.

@mummy917

I'm late to the 'party' due to an 8 hr time difference, but I just want you to know you are doing superbly well. Just keep your cool and let him carry on. Take the DC out for a walk, order a takeaway for you and them for tonight if it makes things easier for you. They're on tenterhooks, just like you are.

I'm glad you've given him a timeframe to get his shit out otherwise he'd be dragging it out all day tomorrow in order to increase the 'dramatic effect'.

One other suggestion re him taking things or the state of the house. You may want to do a 'video inventory' this evening or tomorrow morning so you have a record of what is there and the condition of the house before he started moving, especially as you will be leaving for the day. I did this a few days after I left and I'm glad I did. He's now completely trashed the house and tries to say "It was like this when you lived here". He also destroyed some glassware of my mum's and gran's and tried to say 'You must have taken it'. If you video it and your DH causes damage (nicks/damage to walls, floors, etc) you'll have a record that it had to have happened when he left. Also, it served as an 'inventory' of the things I had to leave behind so if they 'disappeared' or were ruined it would be clear that I didn't remove or damage them. In your case you can let him see you do this, especially if there are things you want to be sure don't vanish. Film them and comment "Here is XX which he has agreed not to take" or words to that effect.

Although the term 'twat' has a 'stronger' meaning as an insult in the US I'm going to remember and use 'there we are then' with esDH when he's in one of his drunken 'tirades'.

My Ex H said similar things. In fact I still have the letter from his solicitor ( who was our family solicitor before our split), stating that the marriage breakdown was totally my fault!

I’ve already bought a new bed and bedding for my bedroom as I couldn’t stand the thought of having to sleep in what was our bed.

I’ve already changed little bits around. I think I’m also feeling overwhelmed today because my home is in absolute chaos and has stuff piled up in every room.

I’ve also just had to deal with my wedding dress too as he was dismantling the wardrobe. It’s all just too much.

And it’s raining here currently so no opportunity to go to the park or anything after the school run.

I feel like all I want to do is lie down in a dark, quiet room and have some time to myself but that’s not an option until the kids are in bed.

He’s just left the house to go and pick up the van to start loading it.

You look phenomenally strong to me by limiting his hours to remove items, firmly establishing when he can and cannot enter your house, telling him your biggest mistake was wanting him around, using There We Are Then, calling him out on his lack of accountability and just watching him struggle single handedly.
His ego must be in the floor. He’s weakened when he assumed you would have.
All power to you.

I like @AcrossthePond55’s idea of the video. It’s insurance and another tactic to demonstrate power over him, a confident move. Rooting for you. x

He’s incredibly cruel, has he even shown any compassion for how your children are feeling, because he certainly doesn’t seem to? Just spending all his time doing this whilst they are in the house.

OP anyone in your situation would be struggling today, it has nothing to do with your strength.

You are currently:

• parenting without being able to release your kids outside because it’s raining.
• have four kids who are very young.
• are potty training.
• have a house in chaos as stuff is everywhere.
• children watching daddy move out of their home.
• you watching your husband leave your family home.
• are being verbally abused by a man who was supposed to love and respect you.

Who would be feeling okay in this scenario? It’s far too much.

Scrap potty training. Now is not the time, there are enough changes for your children today as it is.

Then think hour to hour. Can you put your husband stuff in one room? I know other posters will say not to lift a finger but the aim here is to get his shit out of your way. And if that means you piling it up then there we are. In fact I guarantee it will annoy him more if anything because you’re effectively trying to speed run his attempt to leave you.

And then from now until he leaves hour by hour. So how are you going to get through the next hour? Can you put them all in the car and go to a drive through? Give the older ones a tablet or an iPad or pack books. Snacks for everyone. We have a local farm shop which does great ice cream. Can everyone have an ice cream?

My kids used to love playing in the car or sitting in the boot. Make a cup of tea or coffee and put it in a travel mug. Give the older one a list of things to spot out of the window.

When you get back it’s movie night, make the lounge all cozy. More snacks, picky lunch. Make sure you eat little and often.

When they are in bed do your skincare, have a long shower, make your bedroom dim and cozy. Cry in the shower when they are in bed. A big cathartic cry. Then journal or ring a friend.

There is nothing wrong with you OP, you are going through an awful trauma. Your ex husband is disgisting and a diabolical coward. He’s criticising you to justify his affair, making you the problem is all part of the script. Imagine hes a chihuahua barking at you when he speaks. He’s a pathetic, inconsequential idiot. I’d just raise my eyebrows when he starts and roll my eyes, just like I do when my 9 year old gives me attitude.

You are doing really well OP. You’ve got this. Just get through the next 24 hours one by one and then he will be gone and you can start getting your home and life back in order.

There was a thread on here recently by Pithy Beaker. Slightly different as they weren’t married and a blended family but by God when he finally left all he did was send her these long rambling messages as to why it was all her fault.
And it was all due to her trauma from the past.
She would wake up to so many of them
and the poor dear had to move into a flat and actually parent his own children. Which was her fault.
She did wobble a few times but in the end came out the other end.
Say for his example he had to leave because it was all your fault? And? So bloody what? If that was the case at this point it’s a moot point.
He will go and live in his moody flat, with a mood on, blame OP, wonder where his tattoo money is coming from, won’t know one end of one child to another, he won’t understand where clean washing comes from, or birthday presents, or Lemsip when he’s poorly sick.
And it will still be OP’s fault.
OP will live and breathe and flourish because she’s made mistakes like we all do but he is an arsehole with the emotional intelligence of a mushy pea.
And good luck to him getting his mate round to his bachelor pad for beers because, you know, controlling wives.
I hope he spends all day Saturday stepping on upturned plugs and his sofa gets wedged somewhere he can’t get out of.