Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

You are an incredible woman OP. Your quiet strength and love for your children shines through. You will be fine and your children will be fine, despite him.

I wonder what his mum thinks of him. I'd be so ashamed.

Well done for surviving your first night and I hope you have a fabulously fun night tonight.

I’m glad the tattoo looks shit, although no doubt he’ll spend more money on it as soon as possible, putting it before basic needs. If he’s shit with money he’s going to really struggle paying rent, council tax, utilities, things for the kids, food etc and then having significantly less money left over each month than when you were a couple. Oh well, we love that for him.

I hope he keeps texts to a minimum and you don’t have to spend your day fielding repeated basic questions about the children.

He just sounds really immature and selfish, and you sound like a fantastic mum with your head screwed on. You’re better off without him.

Another one here just to say you sound amazing. Your kids are gonna be absolutely fine because they have you

my ex used to give the impression of being good with money because he would make a big fuss about things like switching to a lower energy tariff or putting the washing on overnight because it’s cheaper. But now he’s gone I just realise he was just a massive gobshite. Like those people at work who expect a round of applause who talk up what they have been doing but you drill down with them you realise that they haven’t done much at all.

Also you can win OP, but winning isn’t making him realise he’s a twat or even getting an apology from him, winning is finding your own peace.

Shit with money, a shitty t(w)attoo, shit at having his shit together. Agree with PP that his mum sorted teas/baths/bedtimes last night. This is going to hit him like a sledgehammer. All the while, you are cool as a cucumber, totally indifferent. I love this for him!

My husband was quite like that too @Beaniebobbins would make out like he had his shit together to others, especially where money was concerned but I knew different but would’ve never said anything so I just tried to keep everything ticking over.

Yeah I am still looking forward to the day I feel completely at peace with everything and feel as though my life is on track. I know it’ll take a while xx

Seems to be a common theme - husband/partner come & go as they want whilst wife sorts out everything & looks after house & family even their hobbies & then gets called controlling!! Then get told they do nothing but sit at home all day on social media, but when hes glued to his phone screen its different because hes looking stuff up!! WTF sorry rant over.

You are an inspiration mummy917 !!

I was moaning before about my other half leaving socks all over the house.
I said I don’t mind being of service, but I’m not a servant.
It is really disrespectful.
He blames everything on his ADHD which drives me nuts.
The thing is women gain peace when time passes. A lot of the mental load lifts. They might technically have more on as the DC are with them more often but they can plan for that.
I can remember if my dad used to leave things around and about my mother would throw them in the bin. No questions asked

Christ! He admits that he can’t do this that or the other til pay day! Hasn’t got essentials for the kids. He wants ‘time to himself at weekends’ having already left his kids. Has mummy over to ‘help’ with the kids, in other words do all the wifework! He’s an utter loser and an embarrassment of a man. He should be totally ashamed of himself! We marry these men in good faith and they just seem to have no shame about the way they conduct themselves as husbands. Please make sure you don’t do any more emotional, physical or financial wifework for this man @mummy917 . Please ignore all his texts unless it’s an emergency regarding the children. Let him suffer the consequences of his bad decisions and chaotic lifestyle. Go live your own life in peace now, free from this emotional vampire. Your days of carrying this deadweight are over!

@PetulaGordeno

Mines a complete narcissist but cant leave as cant afford to. Nothing is ever his fault, turns everything around so you're the problem, until he wants something doing then is nice for a few days then back to it.

Hes definitely worse since hes had 2 mini strokes, but the things he says & calls me are so hurtful.

I’m so sorry that’s awful.

@PetulaGordeno
Yeah, not good but just get on with it & ignore him, hard for kids though (2 at home still +21) & one older. Couldn't meet a nicer bloke to friends & strangers, like someone flicks a switch. Never hit me, but still hurts what he says. You take care xx

Keep a log - dates, times, where and how it occurred, what led up to the nasty words. You may not be able to act on it now, but you may be able to in the future and having a precise record will help (may also let you see a pattern if it escalates). There are agencies out there that can help - check with Citizens Advice, National Domestic Abuse Helpline - https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Don't start thinking about it if/when the next incident, get thinking ahead.

(sorry to derail the OP's post xx ).

@HerwhodoesI'm so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds very similar to the way my husband was with me. Nothing was ever his fault, I was controlling and he would constantly belittle or dismiss my feelings completely. If I ever reacted to something he had said or done, I was “going on and on” “having a go” etc. I questioned my own feelings so much because he belittled them so much, just to suit his own narrative so he was never in the wrong.

Next time he complains to you about being broke can you ask him - can I see your £400 twatoo? Sorry I meant a tattoo

Ha ha I can imagine how that would go down too!

I hope he feels enough shame for getting that over spending the money on things he would actually need for our children.

He doesn’t come across as someone who would feel any shame at all, I doubt he’s even connected the dots that that £400 could have bought duvets, pillows, cutlery, crockery etc.

P.S I hope the shit incomplete tattoo is somewhere really prominent so everyone can see it’s crappiness and secretly laugh at him 😂

@PetulaGordeno
Yeah, not good but just get on with it & ignore him, hard for kids though (2 at home still +21) & one older. Couldn't meet a nicer bloke to friends & strangers, like someone flicks a switch. Never hit me, but still hurts what he says. You take care xx

@mummy917

They have a knack of doing it dont they? They control where you go, who you see, where you eat if going out. If you have friends they say nasty things to you about them & turn you against them. I had a big birthday a couple of years ago, when it was his we made a big fuss, got him a fantastic present & went out. I had nothing off him for mine & my kids had organised a day out for us all & he didn't come as "wasn't his thing"!! Total bell end! You are so better off without him, hopefully you'll get out the other side a lot happier. Keep strong xxx

He won't. He'll never feel shame about spending money on himself rather than on the children's needs. He'll just feel anger because you won't buy those things for him because 'he's skint'.

And soon he'll be complaining to all and sundry because he's 'broke from supporting his DC whilst you are rolling in it'. What he will never see is the scrimping, saving, budgeting, and doing without you are doing to be sure the DC have all they need and a bit of what they want.

He's a wanker to the nth degree.

Yeah I budget my money and feel a sigh of relief that I don’t have to worry really about what he’s doing with his money now and how it might affect us.

Yes, he will continue to spend it on whatever he wants and may still prioritise that over what the kids need, but at least I know they’ll have everything they need here and that if they don’t have what they need at his house, I can send it with them, or keep them here if that feels like the more reasonable and safe option.

I’ve just read the whole thread and OP you sound amazing. I know there’ll be up and down days for you, but keep going and keep those boundaries in place. What a shame he didn’t realise how lucky he was, but that’s his problem now, not yours 💐 There you are then!
I hope you’re enjoying a bit of peace this weekend x

@BippidyBoppety
Thank you, good advice will do. If I remember I voice record when he starts. Xx

@mummy917

......if they don’t have what they need at his house, I can send it with them, or keep them here if that feels like the more reasonable and safe option.

I'd probably err on the side of NOT sending things with them. If you feel that sending things is the right thing to do at the time, just be sure you keep track of what you send and whether or not it's returned (in good condition) or if he reimburses you for it. If it turns out that you either don't get things back, they're returned in bad condition, or he doesn't reimburse you if you've requested it then you may want to rethink your generosity, even if it is for the children. Because I'm sure he wouldn't do the same for you if the situation were reversed.

Remember that for whatever reason, he thinks you are still required to facilitate his life, or at least to facilitate his 'fatherhood'. Give him an inch and he'll take 10 miles. You have enough on your plate with single motherhood without taking on his 'fatherhood', too.