Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

So basically he's left you and the kids , still goes out , still gets tattoos , but is crying broke and you are facilitating his behaviour by making it all fine and dandy for him to continue his dream ?

You are doing an amazing job , and I've been in awe of how your coping , but honestly you are enabling him and doing yourself a dis service here .

I predict the clothes & bedding will come back unwashed , the kids unruly & hyper and he gets to walk away believing he's doing a great job and is a wonderful father .

He hasn’t suggested the days he has because he’s thinking about the kids, he’s thinking about himself and what time he has to himself.

I was blown away when he said he wanted to bring them back the Sunday morning. But that’s when our son plays rugby/cricket depending on the time of year, so it’d mean he wouldn’t have to take him to either of those too.

Ah, consequences ...

£400 tattoo = no bedlinen or nappies.

I would not have been able to resist mentioning that, but, as I've previously said, I can be petty...

Of course you gave him nappies and lent him some bedlinen, your twins can't have one nappy for a weekend. And your kids can't sleep on bare mattresses.

But add the cost on to what he owes you ...

I'd document it via email:

"I will add the cost for the nappies I had to give you this morning to what you already owe me, which is as follows:
mattresses £x
utilities £x
nappies £x
Please wash and return on Sunday afternoon the bedlinen I had to lend you.

Please also ensure that you are on time for future pickups as it was very upsetting this morning, for our son especially. "

And he can wash the bedlinen Sunday morning ready to return to you Sunday afternoon.

I don't think any of us are surprised that he was so late this morning. Your poor son, awful start to his weekend with Dad.

💐

I’ve told him this morning he needs to sort out his shit and get them the essentials. It’s absolutely ridiculous I’ve had to hand over their bedding but if he doesn’t have it sorted for the next time, then they’ll be staying here with me. I think he knew I’d have to give him the stuff they needed, because he saw how excited they were to go with him and knew I couldn’t say “no, you’re staying here” or that I wouldn’t bad mouth him to them.

You're handling this extremely well and I hope your find your free weekend relaxing and rejuvenating for you without too much worry about how the kids are getting on. But you really do need to get to mediation sooner rather than later.

You didn't have to hand it over ... but since you did, message him and tell him it needs to be returned along with the children when they come back. And going forward, he'll need to sort out his own bedding and supplies for his children on his time, including nappies. And if he hasn't done so, send them anyway. Tell them in front of them they can help daddy shop for their new things at daddy's place.

Don't make his problems your problem to solve!

And don't back down on a true, fair 50/50 since that's what he's demanding ... he can cart them around fully on his weekends, just like you do on yours.

He could have been given 1 nappy and told to go to the shop, if you run out of nappies you dont have anyone bailing you out so he needs to learn to do the same. I see why you did it but he wouldn't do the same for you if you were struggling for money, I guarantee it.

See my post just above - REALLY important to document this, @mummy917 .

Did he drop it on you today that he wants to bring them back on Sunday mornings or is this from previous discussions?

He texted me with his proposed schedule earlier in the week which I’ve screenshotted and I’ve spoken to my solicitor again about half an hour ago who laughed when I told him the schedule he wanted.

Might be a good idea to get your solicitor to respond with what you want but also to reiterate that 50-50 means he has to provide for his children when they are with him, equipment, food, disposables and input to activities such a school pick up, clubs and teams. So far he has failed woefully.

It does work quite well 🙂unfortunately he's also recently decided he's not paying maintenance for them any more (which is why I'm glad people are warning OP as I can see the same thing happening here). He is of course following the usual script and 'wants them 50/50' even though he's never been equally responsible for them in his life. But that's a whole other thread, won't derail this one with all that!

You sound amazing OP. I love that you can put your children first and still protect yourself. You already sound like a different person from your first thread. It’s true you never know how strong you are until you can no choice but to be. You can forever hold your head up high and know YOU have behaved beautifully until the arse he is. Sending you and your children so much love

This guy gets more infuriating the more you post. No wonder you're already getting to the indifferent stage rather than being sad, because my god I don't even know him and I'm getting such massive ick.

Hope you don't think people are getting on at you. I've been where you are, you just want to be helpful and facilitate him and make things as easy on the kids as possible. But I'm speaking from experience and I'm sure others are too, the more you let them take the piss, the worse it gets. You really need to get a proper schedule set in stone now. If he's still insisting on 50/50 (and you're happy with that) then give it a go for a week or two. The second he backs out of having the kids (which I suspect he'll do pretty much straight away), start a CMS claim. Just go through CMS immediately, he will no doubt try to talk you into an informal arrangement. I unfortunately gave in and agreed to this and he's now decided he's not paying maintenance at all, so I wish I'd just gone through CMS in the first place all those months ago.

Stop giving him stuff like nappies etc too. I know this is because you're a good person and you want the kids to be happy and looked after, but you are indirectly financially helping him when he has already fucked you over. He doesn't want you to 'control' him well he can sort all that stuff himself then cant he. Make sure you message him about the bedding and stuff being returned, and then you've also got that documented that he hadn't even got bedding to provide for his children. He is actually pathetic, you are going to be so much happier without this absolute wet wipe of a man.

Don’t let him in, on future collections. He doesn’t get to rummage through your cupboards and take what he wants.

Amazing woman! 🙌💐

Please make sure that you're telling him he needs to sort bedding, nappies etc via email or a parenting app. You need the paper trail.

Agree with others that Id just have the solicitor respond to his schedule, again so it's documented and to save you dealing with his "this is controlling" bullshit

As a kid who didnt have a room at my dad's one bed flat (me and my sister, he was saving money by just having a one bed cos he spent lost of the time at his affair partners so didn't want to "waste" money on a three bed flat or house for us , I wish I could talk to this pathetic man and explain how damaging it is to feel you don't have a place, aren't prepared for, don't have stuff there. It took my dad SEVEN years to get us a place with our own rooms we could decorate ourselves, and he still was barely there, dropped us off an went to gfs. I hope he understands this sharpish, kids notice and when my mum years later found out our sleeping arrangements she was gutted, like you she made our house such a home as we all want to for our children! You're totally in the right to loan him stuff and nappies etc, it's soft but soft on your kids not him , an excellent mother x

You are doing brilliantly OP. Document everything. Minimise your verbal interactions and keep it all on written record for your solicitor/mediator/ any future court case. He chose to leave, yet is totally unprepared to look after his four children.

You will appear gracious, unflappable and in control. He will appear chaotic, self centred and ranting. Log it all!
You can text him that you have given him some nappies etc so you have it on record. But honestly there’s Amazon prime, there’s corner shops, there’s garage stores… he is an adult with four children FFS he can sort this. He is skint? Not your problem. And btw there’s no reason to believe his account of his finances. He’s not skint he’s just making very poor choices.

I’m struggling to accept the ‘no money till payday’ story. He sounds like a teenager the way he’s scrabbling around for petrol money. He’s a grown man, with a job and has managed to rent a flat. Is he really living payday to payday with no back up savings, no overdraft facility, no credit card? What will he do in an emergency? You’ve got to stop making allowances for him. What would he do if you weren’t there? He also has a mother he can ask, so let him go there. Let everyone see for themselves how pathetic he is without you having to say a word.
And well done, by the way. I think you should turn this into a book / diary to show others what is possible 😊

When he tells you again that he’s skint, just answer with the exact words he used to you when he told you his spending £400 on a tattoo was none of your business

I literally get this! I have to pack the kids stuff all the time it’s bloody annoying because they should have everything they need their, I do this the same reason you do because it’s for the kids and it’s not fair on them going without and being comfortable.

I thought this too - so that whoever is having a childfree weekend that week, is childfree from Friday night. The OP would benefit too.

I'm furious on your and your children's behalf, and the weekend hasn't even started yet. All credit to you OP!

Practice saying firmly ‘ if you can’t look after them they will have to stay with me. Kids need beds, food, clothes and if that’s too hard for you then you can’t have them to stay.’
him splutter splutter money
you: do you see my new £400 tattoos? No, not my £400 anything for just me because I needed that money for my children. That’s what parents do, except you. You don’t get to get mad at me or call me controlling because you feel bad when it’s called out that you’re too selfish to be a good dad. Be less selfish and be a good dad and those bad feelings will go away.