Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

OP I thought you meant sheets.

So it hadn't occured to him until pick up that his children didn't have pillows? Or duvets? Duvets they could probably go without in this heatwave to be fair but pillows?! I bet he has a pillow. 🙄🤦

Hi Op, can I just add that you sound like the very best of mum’s to your dc.. you are between a rock and a hard place at the moment but you are prioritising the children and proving care for them even when they are at “there we are then’ house. Keep on keeping on.. we are all here with love and support whenever ever you need us.

Thank you all, I am very grateful once again for all your messages.

I have screenshots etc all saved regarding nappies, duvets etc from today. I FaceTimed the kids earlier before they went to bed and my 4 year old daughter and twin son both said they wanted to come home and got upset but they responded well to me saying it’s a big new adventure they’re on and how lucky they are to have two homes. The other 2 seemed settled and happy thankfully.

There We Are Then had his mum round though to help and sounded quite overwhelmed so I’m glad she was there to help ease the kids in too.

I have had the afternoon with my best friend and have came home to an eerily quiet empty house 😭 however I’m trying to see it as an opportunity to have some time to myself and I plan on watching Clarkson’s farm before I fall asleep xx

This. My thoughts exactly. Not even a credit card for emergencies?

He does have a credit card but he might not have anything left on it. I don’t know this as a fact but just a possibility if he hasn’t used it for stuff he actually needs.

@mummy917

You’re doing great, OP!

I think given it’s the first stay away, and he’s only just moved out, there was bound to be teething (things he hadn’t thought of) problems. The date he moved out got brought forward. It’s ok to be the jogger person, just be cared how much you help/rescue, and for how long, but I can hear you’re being mindful of that, so I think you’ll do ok. He may step up and grow now he’s being made to be an adult for the first time, it’s good to give him the space to try a little. He’s hoping to have some near misses, that’s how we all learn.

First stay away was always going to be hard, it’s so alien. I hope you manage to enjoy bits of it. And hopefully There We Are Then doesn’t out do himself.

And personally, I think, ‘Communication Unnecessary, Not Together’ in response to certain messages from him o
would he fine. Especially when he’s waffling on about nonsense that isn’t your problem (at 1am!) no wonder he over slept! 🙄 I’m sure the novelty will wear off soon…

You are doing so well op. As much as it’s new for your DC, it’s also new for you! They have you to encourage them and tell them it’s ok, but it’s also new territory for you too. So, for what it’s worth, I will tell you…..it will be ok. As hard as it seems, this will be a new chapter for you too (been there, have the t shirt) and it might not be what you’d have chosen but it will bring you things you never thought possible and yes actually, you can end up happier than you’ve ever been. I’m cheering for you @mummy917, we all are. You’ll be grand xx

If he is sounding overwhelmed, I guess the penny is beginning to drop for him about how much you have been doing for the children and how little he has been doing. I'm sure his mum won't want to be there as backup every time he has them. Having them for 50% of the time will become much less appealing to him and you will be entitled to some maintenance. He won't be signing up for more expensive tattoos then.

I wonder what influencer, either online or in real life, managed to convince him that he was having a terrible life with his "controlling" wife. I bet he is really regretting his choices now.

@mummy917

Oh and the fact that he’s never lived independently before (went from mum’s to with you), explains a lot…

It's tricky because it's all jointly owned and technically of it's 50-50, he should be taking half. But he's also the one causing all the upheaval and so where there's not enough to share, I think the polite thing is to leave them rather than give the other person even more cost.

So items of bedroom furniture to leave, bedding, clothes etc as long as there's enough spare, to be split.

But he should have realised, the absolute Muppet, that he'd need these things and I think it's a bit cheeky asking for them now. He's really not thought any of this through, silly man.

Hi op he is a joke says your controlling then expects you clean up his shit. I get why you did it for the kids but he really needs to stop pretending that he’s a grown up I’m surprised you didn’t just laugh when you met your friends. It’s unbelievable he has another 14 years of this god help you. You’re definitely going to be better off without him. You must have had to run a tight ship with mr flaky. Enjoy your night he has to step up now and you still are the main carer he’s definitely a loser.

Problem with dickheads like this is that "What I want" will always trump "What my kids need" right up until the kids are standing in front of them, then they panic because they spent their income on twatoos.

If this prick ever actually does 50/50 I will send him flowers, because I suspect that this weekend will open his eyes to the reality without the magic house fairy sorting everything. I really do think that it will be EOW within 3 months, and his mum will be there every time.

He has won first prize in a game called Consequences. The kids might have a little bit of a bumpy time but ultimately will be fine because OP will always make sure that they are ok.

I bet his Mums cooked the tea and washed up.

How long do we reckon before OP gets the call to say he needs to bring them back early "because ... "

OP, I mentioned up thread to ensure your finances aren't linked to his, as a priority. This being broke before payday, taking the sofa, buying the wrong size bed all stinks of a bloke who's going to be pinching pennies, cutting corners etc.

I met a lovely woman some years ago whose husband was having an affair, got caught, moved out and yet somehow applied for, and got, a credit card in lovely woman's name - maxed it out, bought stuff to impress the OW. He was also after half of the cottage her grandmother had left her in her will as part of the divorce. It doesn't take long before reality smacks these blokes in the face and they start hiding stuff (I speak from experience).

Could she prove the fraud?! Thats appalling

OP, just read the whole thread and you are amazing. what a fabulous mum you are.

I give him 3 months before he tries to come back….

Another one who hasn’t commented, but has read all your threads and is cheering you on, you’re one strong lady, BTW, does the tattoo say I’m a twunt, because it absolutely should. Your kids are lucky to have you, and I think a beautiful future awaits you, lovely lady x

@mummy917 if I’m not too late- probably not a Good night to watch Clarkson’s farm- at least the last two episodes! It’s all a bit gloomy. Wait until you have bustle and distraction around!

Just dropping on to say you are an absolute QUEEN and I hope you are able to actually enjoy some of the peace and quiet this weekend.

Keep buggering on!

(Also, I’d be privately referring to his new house as Planet Twatooine.)

I get that you don’t want the kids to go without @mummy917 but he needs to choose to miss out on the t(w)attoo otherwise, you are actually paying for that tattoo really …

You’re doing so well - it’s very clear that absolutely everything you do has got the kids at the centre

Try and enjoy having some peace and quiet. He sounds utterly incapable, especially having to rely on his mum. You might find that he tries everything to avoid having them going forward

Don't do this. It will just give him an excuse to not see his children much, and he would then blame you OP. Don't have a conversation with him either except if he pleads being skint, you can say "Your responsibility to sort out". You have been brilliantly dignified and strong.💐

Who cares though? That’s on him if he won’t set himself up to see them, and if he can’t look after them he shouldn’t have them to stay. But he does have to pay their mother who is parenting them. She should not having to continue doing wife work when she can just happily have her own children. He can have them stay if he’s put the effort in, if he doesn’t it’s best for them not to stay with him and see how little he does and think being a dad means being pathetic selfish and useless.

In terms of money, I won’t be bailing him out, he will absolutely have to figure it out himself, just like I have to. I fell asleep last night before I really got the chance to watch much of anything and it’s so strange to have woken up to an empty house.

I checked my Experian report on Friday after people on here suggested it and nothing has changed. I have no financial ties to him now though. The joint account we had, we separated and is now his sole account. I got my half of our savings and I have my own bank and savings account now. I don’t have a credit card, but the one he has I know is definitely in his name and up until at least April, he was still using it.

Thank you for everyone’s support, it really does mean so much that people I’ve never met are cheering me on.

The tattoo is definitely biting him on the bum now but he’d never ever admit that it was a stupid decision to get it when he did and had so many other things that that £400 would’ve been better spent on. The funniest part is, is that it’s still not finished so he’s still walking round with an unfinished tattoo which looks crap to be honest.

I know when he’s paid on Tuesday he will be throwing money around willy nilly, he’s never been particularly good with money and I always had to make sure we were okay each month, but did used to get the “controlling” accusation regularly because I had to make sure all bills were paid and I’d budget for food shops/anything the kids needed. It is true what @PyongyangKipperbang mentioned that what he wanted always trumped what was needed and when I did say something to him, this is when I’d be called controlling, nagging etc. I couldn’t win.

Absolutely this!