Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

Yes this is the right response reassure him that you’ll get him to school no matter what.

But do not supply excuses like Twatoo isn’t into the routine yet.

This is how he continues the control, by being erratic about pick ups and drop offs. i find it helps to think of them as a little buzzy annoying fly or something that you just have to bat away and enjoy the peace when they go.

You should have plan B plans for him not being late, not showing etc. And these contingency plans should be as convenient as possible for you. For example, if you can only wait for him to be ten minutes late you only wait ten minutes then you implement plan B and let him deal with whatever the fall out is. You don't make you and your kids late and you should change your plans as little as possible.

If he's late dropping them back you just message along the lines "just checking everything is ok and what time the kids will be back" - the less you say, the better.

Yes lots of reassurance that it’s his Dad’s issue, you don’t know what’s going on with him, but you’re sorry DS has been affected and you will always be a solid rock for DS.
I used to actually point out we had a jigsaw of people who are role models and I’d pick out and name the best neighbours, teachers, my friends, uncles, grandparents etc.

He turned up with about 2 minutes to spare before we needed to leave. He said he’d overslept.

He is now getting the other 3 sorted and ready to take to his house until Sunday.

Ah well. At least that minimises DSs disappointment. It’s best if the feeling of a sometimes disappointing Dad seeps in slowly.

Perhaps the idea of setting an alarm will dawn on him. Anyway not your problem. Time to focus on you. Perhaps you could find somewhere for a cooling swim before meeting your friends!

I’m feeling very sad that they’re going for 2 days and nights 😩 I’m not sure how I’ll cope with it every single week. I know I have to though.

I’m going to do some cleaning before I head out in a few hours. Means it’s done and the rest of the time I can do what I please, which is a completely new feeling.

I think it would be worth giving your eldest a phone, that you can manage but then he can FaceTime him/send messages himself. He can’t then use you as an excuse not to answer etc
What happened this morning was awful, I think if he had his own phone though he could have messaged him and said ‘Dad, are you on your way’ etc so it’s come directly from him.
I think you handled it really well, a breezy ‘don’t worry you’ll be on time and it’s no problem for me to take you’ without saying anything negative is perfect.
If your Son said anything negative you don’t have to defend his Dad, but you don’t have to pile on with the negativity either.
At the end of the day your children will realise without you having to say anything that their Dad is a waste of space.
My heart breaks for your little boy though, that he cant 100 % rely on someone who should put him first…. Sending a big hug x

I realise it’s very important for the children to go from house to house together, but I wonder if it might help your son if for a little bit if he has an additional day on his own with his Dad one week and then an additional day with you the next on his own. So the week Dad has the kids 4 nights, one of those nights you have your son and then the following week when you have them 4 nights, he gets an additional day with his Dad. Just so that he gets some one on one time with both of you whilst he adjusts and adapts.

No advice OP, but I have been reading your updates and am sending you support.

I hope the handover went smoothly and he wasn’t a ‘There We Are Then’ and that the children weren’t upset leaving you. Today is going to feel strange. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself some grace to be okay with your feelings. Once you’ve got the housework done, go out and have some fun ☺️

Don’t let him get into the habit of having them every weekend , it’s not fair that you get all the nursery / school drops etc and he gets the fun days . I hope you have a peaceful and fun weekend

Don't let him have them every weekend (I doubt he would anyway). That's not fair as that would just mean he gets all the fun time with them whilst you get the weekday rush of nursery/school runs etc. My kids go to their dad for a full weekend every 2 weeks then he has them 1 night in the week. Means we both get quality time with them.

That sounds sensible.

Lets wait and see how long he actually has all the children this weekend, and lets see how he really does do 50/50

Many men say 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance...

But def don't let him have the children every weekend, he needs to do the boring parts too i.e. schools runs / pick ups / homework / dentist appointments etc
tho I don't think yours are old enough for homework ?

Personally I wouldn't say to the children that daddy is coming, until he is actually walking up the garden path and I would have plans ready if necessary for any time he lets you them down that does mean tho spoiling any plans you have for yourself.

The plan is for him to have them 3 nights one week and 4 the next, however on “his weekend” he wants to bring them back on the Sunday morning and then the next week wants to bring them back the Friday morning so he has his “full weekend off to himself” 🤬 needless to say I’ve told him absolutely not and we will need to go to mediation.

Has he even got sheets , duvets and pillows for the beds . I can imagine bedtime arriving and him suddenly going " Oh shit " .....

No, I’ve had to give them the ones from here as he can’t afford any until Tuesday when he gets paid. I didn’t know this until he turned up to pick the kids up, by which point they’d seen him and were so excited to go to see him and his new house. He has also had to take nappies. I know what people will say but I feel as though I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with what I should do for the best.

Absolutely this.

@mummy917 this is not a fair split at all. You do all the donkey work in the week and then he gets to be fun, chilled dad at the weekend? What if you want to do fun things with them at the weekend? It's completely unfair.

OP, please, please start communicating with him via a parenting app. These first few months may be the worst. Plus, you'll have all the evidence of his flakiness in one place, which will be helpful for mediation.

This tattoo is costing him !

if only he had waited for it until he had been paid

or had his children next weekend - when he can afford them

I think a CMS claim needs to be sooner rather than later...

So already his version of 50-50 means he gets to pick and choose the days and nights he wants, you get to provide what the DC need as he couldn't impossible think for himself. Bed linen, nappies, mattresses, plates and cutlery. Has he actually thought of anything at all.

About the weekends, I do have some sympathy for him wanting the weekend to include Friday night so kids alternate who they’re with on Fridays. No sympathy at all for thinking the with-kids weekend should end Sunday morning though, that’s ridiculous. But I actually think it could be nice for you as well to consider Friday night as part of the weekend, then if you ever want to take the kids away on your weekend you can use Friday night to travel.

Jeez. It's infuriating, isn't it? Do send him a message at some point telling him he will have to return all their bedding/everything he took and provide those things himself before his next contact time.

It’s fine for this weekend but he now knows what he needs so in future point him in the direction of the appropriate shop .

Surely he can bring all th bedding back after the weekend then and get his own for the next visit?

The nappies I would tell him thats fine you can just add them to what he owes you.

I get why you gave these things but don't let him get away with paying for them.

I would also say the time is the same. So if you get them on sunday morning, on his week he gets them sunday morning, same with the Friday. Surely the timing should be the same for both if its truly 50/50. But it should be what works best for the kids.