The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Thank you🙂
I am taking him to a medical thing he can't drive after and then bringing him home.

I just don't know what to do.

Ooh - are you answering the random?

I think you could slide into Mr Astrophysicist’s Insta in maybe a couple of weeks - casually? Just not this minute probably.

Dating is such a mare - OLD, the wild, SM - you are the prize and will get there.

I did as he seemed like the sort of guy I'd like to get to know, and very local... Then he sent a meme which he clearly thought was funny - I did not find it funny! So he is done.

Mr Artistic is someone I met that way, i.e. local-ish guy that just slid into my DMs. I feel it's still the done thing for our generation.

But... Imagine you're the Dr Astrophysicist bloke just going about your day... Suddenly a random woman messages you - I can't possibly make up an excuse why? "Hey, so I really enjoyed that scientific article about speed of light that you published!"

The truth will come out, and I will come off a stalker! I can't see a positive ending to doing something like this, do you?

I'm not sure "We matched on Bumble but you never messaged me back so I found out another way to contact you" is exactly a 'meet cute' haha

Ooh ElleintheWoods It's funny you say that, I've recently joined Instagram but I'm anonymous on there. I've had men & women trying it on & it's really annoying me!

It reminds me of when I was on the 'Anybody can message anybody' dating site. Even when I say quite clearly 'I am not interested in meeting anybody on here. I'm not on here to date' I still get back 'Ok. Can I see your photo? How old are you?'

Ah shame about random guy - but weeded out fast.

Umm I get your point re Mr Astrophysicist but maybe it’s possible in a while I think? There’s many reasons he might not have answered on Bumble, not necessarily related to liking you, or not, and if you are leaving the site there’s a reason to drop into Insta if you read one of his papers?!

But probably he’s best left in the imagination- many are I think tbh. Maybe that’s based on the ex I chased though lol.

Are you going coffee drinking this weekend?

Aww - it’s really rubbish at this kind of point.

I’ve been seeing Mr Tree around the same kind of time as you and Planes - we are on a very different trajectory- but sometimes I have to remind myself I just don’t really know him yet nor him me - this is noticeable in random things such as my sense of humour and him then not sure how I’m taking stuff and his texting style (still!) but then I feel I know him through messaging, meeting, high chemistry!

So that ramble just to say I wonder if some of it is just not knowing bits of him really well to completely get where he’s coming from, if he will stick to what he says etc - I appreciate you’re further on in relationship terms than I am with Tree but maybe that is a part of the dilemma?

I’ve said on here that they tell us who they are I think inadvertently as much as directly - he’s open about ex meet ups, which sounds positive - and I absolutely believe that a catch up can be completely fine - I’ve been bitten as well though and also know that the nearer the truth a person can get then the easier it is to get the fibs past!

Sometimes we stay and it all pans out, sometimes we stay and think later that was a sunk cost - if you’re still not sure I guess you maybe have to go with your heart still? Observe a bit longer - for the ED appointment or the move on business work?

If you’re getting anxious and uncomfortable around him though then that is also something to consider.

These are just my random thoughts - so nothing might be relevant for this - it’s you that is in it - and it is also bloody hard to be in it - but maybe forget (as much as possible) about a final decision today and see how you feel together and with him?

It’s the overthinking that’s a killer and the brain just wants closure - blowing it up is one form of closure but do you want that or just think at least it stops the thinking? The staying leaves it all in the air and causes the anxiety - but do you think it may be worth it?

You’re very kind running him about btw so do something kind for you too today 💐

Had a nice first date with Mr Hat.

He's good fun, easy to talk to, and we're both on the same page about what we want.

But... He's absolutely not my type physically. Like the exact opposite. He has a lovely smile tho and is not unattractive so I think I will see him again and see how I feel.

Thank you - I think it's the nature of the catch up, that he sees/messages her daily, that he disclosed he is still in touch with his historical affair partner...I did run this by a male friend who said once would be ok but not ongoing, my view is that this will not be a one off but will be whenever it suits her.

You never know, your type may change.

So glad you had a nice date - well deserved!

@Nosdacariad it’s really way too early in a relationship for all this anxiety causing red flag stuff. Wish I’d taken my own advice of course. The thing is once you have reason not to trust someone then EVERYTHING can become a thing to overthink about . Some of the stuff that triggered me with my ex could have been innocent but as I didn’t trust him I’d spiral . Stuff that wouldn’t have entered my head had I trusted him .

Ooh - positive I think. A good smile gets me tbh so you may find that’s the key 🔐!

Thank you. In a hospiital waiting room and I go to get coffee, come back and he's messaging a different ex. It feels constant.

And it looks to me like he is about to get a shock glaucoma diagnosis so then I'll feel really mean.

Yeah so that’s a bit much. Whether or not it’s an affair, or he’s keeping in touch with hope, or just very casual - this constant interaction is a form of validation for him that everyone thinks he’s amazing despite him moving on.

Mr Big Player ex always kept in touch with as many exes as possible- messaging, coffee, drink - all the way to sex if the occasion arose so to speak. I know this as I was one of his pick up/put down girlfriends and also read his phone (I know!) but some of it was for validation. I recall him saying about a specific ex, whom I knew, that she’d never got past him - I said I thought she may have done as she was now married with a baby and this was several years on - he said that was just an ok thing for her, she’d been mad for him!! The ego obviously immense though generally he wasn’t a big headed, show off guy at all, maybe he just had to think that for his own reasons 🤷🏼‍♀️

He has since got married but he had told me of some issues he had with now wife early on when I bumped into him - he didn’t actively try anything on though - so that was an improvement from him! I hope they’re very happy, but I’d never feel he fully committed and trusted me as a wife but maybe he has/does.

I know some of this as, whilst I moved away, I’m friends with his daughter on fb - I knew her kind of separately as she was at school with one of my kids - I realised eventually that she added all her dad’s exes on fb lol - but she liked to interact with them all as no Mum around - he doesn’t have fb - good move for a player!

I therefore think it is a concern that Planes is doing this - on evidence of one ex though ha - whether he’ll get it, or feel committed and confident with you enough to drop it off, whether he wants to drop it off now, or would/could I obviously can’t tell - but I hope you resolve it for you.

My daughter keeps staying with someone cos ‘mean not to’ - different issues - but it’s getting silly for her (and him tbf) not to cut the ties - there will always, always be something- birthday, event, parent not well etc etc.

Planes will be absolutely fine doing what suits him best and garnering sympathy from exes and landlady. It’s not your job to look after him - it was his job to bring positives to your life, as you have done for him - has he?

I do know it’s hard 💐

Thanks @MsJinks I appreciate your input so much. He has brought positives but they are being sort of overtaken by this endless feeling of...not ANOTHER one!

This dating malarkey seems so stressful at times.

I'm not having any of the above from 'Mr Gent'. He's still making effort, still opening doors, buying me flowers, picking me up, booking events, paying for dinner, insisting on walking on the outside of the path. Very early days as we are only a month in but we have quite a lot in common. He is also incredibly straight forward and tells me what he thinks without sugar coating it.

On the flip side, I have moments of panic that it's too good to be true! I still can't see any red flags, but there is plenty of time!

Oh Nosdacariad I do agree that it will always be 'something', but anyway, if you do end things then it's not like he's isolated is it, sounds like he's got plenty of support!

CleanShirt That sounds like a positive date in general!

This is going to sound harsh but I think someone you’re dating but not sure of having health issues is even more reason to back away from them .
in a healthy relationship id put my all in and look after them but I don’t want to become a carer for someone I don’t fully trust .
my ex tried to use his poor health against me in that I shouldn’t bring anything up to upset him which might make him worse !
so when I found out he’d had his ‘best friend’ muted for 6 months in the hope I’d forget about her he told me I was trying to kill him with the stress by confronting him about it . Same when I asked him to explain why he had used bondage tape, told me he was going to ignore his phone for the rest of the weekend ‘before he had a heart attack ‘

Bloody Hell, he does love his exes, doesn't he?

I know men like this - my daughter's dad and my FWB have friendly exes coming out of their ears. And they are both complete players! So perhaps I am biased.....

Only you can decide whether you are ok with it - but please don't let his diagnosis stop you looking after yourself. As someone else said, he has a lot of support it seems!

Can I have a general moan about men? Loads of them are pissing me off at the moment.....
A) I was meant to have a date with one of my irons - Mr Rugby - last night. He cancelled about 24 hours in advance due to his mom breaking her leg. I asked him how she was and if he was needing to get carers in. He told me (quite brusquely, I felt) she was completely fine as she has a live-in partner and his brother lives nearby. So why did he need to cancel the date then????

B) I have agreed to see Mr NHS (former iron but only wants ENM, so not for me) purely friends tonight, and since I agreed to it he has been sending about 6 million text messages a minute. It feels like, while he is nominally agreeing that we are just friends, he is actually hoping to lure me into sex. Which is NOT gonna happen and is actually making me feel quite manipulated.

C) one of my FWB (the one I haven't seen since last year) keeps making sarky comments over text about how pathetic it is that schools are closing for the heat, as if it's my decision! I wouldn't mind, but he is a massive hyperchondriac, and also whines constantly about the working conditions in his own job.

D) some twat of a bloke I matched with on Hinge. He said he really loves sex and is that ok? I said yes, I think the vast majority of people love sex, but for me I want a connection first. He replied with "I hope you like being eaten out.". Does this strategy EVER work for him I wonder???

Off to Google nunneries........

@ElleintheWoods I think there is some “main character” energy in London as you put it, but really the benefit, but also what can make it overwhelming, of London is that there is such a huge diverse range of people.

Hinge will algorithm you and show you increasingly the type of men it thinks you are swiping yes on. Is there any chance that is the energy you are drawn to/the type of man you’ll swipe on?

I’ve dated many men - including two very long-term relationships - with the type of career path you are looking for. Neither of my exs were main character energy, but definitely I think on Hinge you are likely to find some men in impressive jobs who carry the immense arrogance with it.

FWIW I’ve been on a date with a physicist (not main character energy!) who is doing life changing research, and I found the date boring. Maybe I should have given him a second shot with a minigolf date though 😅. I’m a very playful person, with a serious career, and I think sometimes that meant men felt they had to be impressively intellectual in the first date. Unfortunately that was snoozefest for me!

Anyway none of this may resonate with you, but just sharing in case helpful

Yeah definitely you can - men need moaning about - with the MN caveat of NAMALT - not though always sure if that should be ‘not all men are like that’ to times like this when you realise, or think, ‘nearly all men are like that’!
A/ ridiculous excuse
B/ certainly seems he’s got sex on the agenda - ridiculous manipulation
C/ sigh so many of these - ridiculous man! Does it change your desire for him being a FWB?
D/ omg 🤢 - ridiculous strategy - unless he does it for giggles - ridiculously childish

Only C/ I guess you may ever need to think of again at least.

There will be one of those exceptions to these type of men out there for you 🌻

I'm so sorry you went through that

Just popped to the loo in the cafe. He is messaging the one over the road now, pretty sure.

I am bored of men thinking being willing to give oral sex makes them a god