The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Is anyone here doing Thursday? I'm tempted but again unsure... 'One bar, everyone single?' In reality is it just going to be lots of single women and a couple of guys? 💃

Thanks for new thread. Travelling for a month and put on travel mode. Re wrote profile accordingly but CBA because it’s a night here and there. Maybe I will. Can’t seem to give up Mr Holiday Homes. Chat all the time ‘as friends ‘ 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I want to but they don't do many 40+ ones!

No but they’ve just started running events where I live so I’m keen to hear too!

is this a thread where people post questions about their current dating experiences? I’m a little confused!

So I’m dipping my toe back in after having had a 10 month relationship (from 1st date to 3rd breakup ) with an avoidant 64 year old. I had no idea of the whole avoidant issue until this guy and have learned how much a constant push-pull dynamic with someone you’ve let close destabilises my nervous system. Another date tomorrow night and I’m wondering how this time I’m going to spot this avoidant pattern earlier and walk away before I’m too emotionally inverted moving forward. I’m told the % of avoidant people of both sexes on dating apps is high by its very nature…Really do not want to go through that again!

@poppyfield71 It is indeed. Self-identifying avoidant here, what would you like to know? 😁I do think there's lots of us on dating apps, as we do want a relationship in theory, but the idea of being in one is equally terrifying!

@BoxOfCats Do you think you'll go along to one? @CleanShirt is there a set age range? I'm not far off 40, somehow I thought it was for that range.

I'm just a bit worried it'll have a singles night vibe, whatever that might be... Although ours is at least at a swanky bar, so maybe I can pretend I didn't realise there was an event on and just happened to pass by for a drink 😆

@ElleintheWoods I think it's like "all ages" but I feel old just looking at the pictures 🫣🤣

Yep, a very helpful hive mind! 😊

I don't think I've done enough research! Pictures?

Initially I assumed you just rocked up at the event...

Just back from my date with Mr Cars. He looked quite different from his pictures (a lot older, to be honest) but nontheless I felt attraction and it was pleasant to start with.

But then he revealed some racist opinions. Implict racism rather than explicit, but still.

I should have challenged him, but to my shame I didn't. I just made my excuses, and am now back home. Wondering if I need to put "No racists please" on my profiles?

A bit gutted, on various levels. I do realise that the fact that there are people who still think this stuff, is much more important than how it impacts my dating life....

SO much to say on this! But I'm settling down for the night.

Thank you for updating and sorry that it happened and that is how he was. I blame myself for not saying something too...

I hadn't heard of it but just had a look & there's nothing coming up near me. Tell us about it if you do go!

Oh Ilovelurchers Sorry that it ended that way. How disappointing, It's the worst isn't it.

I think it's very easy. When they pull away or push you away you let them go.

If that's hard to do, them just focus on figuring out that part of yourself! Make it about you and what work you can do.

I had something similar! And it was my most painful OLD experience. Very confusing.

I do think you'll know if it's happening again though, you didn't even know what it was. I've just come out of a very healthy 5month relationship and he just gradually and at my pace moved more and more towards me. Just focus on how you're feeling - if you're feeling badly then let them go. You can let people go whilst still loving them and I found this very helpful to understand.

@ElleintheWoods I will go at some point. Most events are for under 30s and the 30+ events are on Thursday evenings which clash with a class I go to. I’ll likely finish up with the class end of next month so will go in August. I’m 44 so have a feeling I will be quite far at the older end of the crowd!

Ah that’s a bummer - onwards and upwards.

I don’t know about on profile, but I have to be quite open about my anti racist stance - I go on marches and do other stuff now anyway - I found it best to drop it in early, hopefully quite naturally eg/ if I’d been on a March I could say. It really doesn’t go down well with some - sigh - but block and move on!

However, it’s the covert ones that are worst - they’re never gonna say WTF you are a stupid bint, but instead make out they’re never racist - but … I managed with my 2 separate dates to meet people who weren’t racist and whom I had discussed stuff like this on message already.

It is a fair part of my life though - may be harder if not - as why would it just come up. News naybe today I guess but hopefully that’s not regular.

Not much help - maybe someone will have better advice but you did the right thing not to overlook as it would be very annoying/cause dissonance for you down the line and it’s you that is the prize.

Oh - don’t worry about not challenging, it may feel a bit bad, but absolutely don’t potentially rile up a new date. Just do as you did - exactly right.

@Ilovelurchers sorry that’s so disappointing. 😤 it is hard to say things at the time. If it happens again I’m sure you will it’s the shock.
called rather than messaged Mr Holiday Homes. Made me realise I’d done the right thing in saying not a romantics relationship. Such a shame. I had hoped he’d be a grower. 😤

You did the right thing and I'm sorry and racism is terrible alone but imagine the other attitudes that might alao be there xxx

Sorry to hear the date was a disappointment but you did the right thing to make your excuses rather than call him out on the racism. You don’t know this man and how he might react if his views were challenged - people with this mindset could turn rather nasty.

Sorry @Ilovelurchers. at least you can get to the date stage. I can’t even seem to click like on any profiles which I think is why Hinge isn’t showing my profile on the algorithm. My heart’s just not in it, but my heart’s not into being alone either. I will have a lot of time to myself during the summer holidays so I should really be lining some dates up .

@Ilovelurchersah sorry it didn’t go well. Don’t worry about not saying anything about the racist attitude. A lot of us have been in similar situations and felt bad about not reacting at the time but it is shock. Only good thing is he showed this nasty side now so you can move on without investing more.

@TheThingOnTheIceI totally get the I want to have someone to spend time with but it’s the steps in between especially when we’re trying to find the normal nice men who want the same as us. It’s a faff but I find that once I get going in a routine of spending time on the apps it builds momentum. Then I have a break from my profile being visible when I’ve got a few chats going. It does feel like a job sometimes.

Had quite a lengthy dream about my ex last night too which doesn’t help . Basically I was trying to explain why it had gone wrong and just like in real life he was just deflecting and gaslighting me . 🙄

Thanks everyone for the supportive words.

In retrospect the racism wasn't the only bad thing (though it was obviously by far the worst). He also mainly only spoke about himself, and kept going on and on about previous cars he had owned - and these weren't unusual cars or anything - just totally normal cars. Kept showing me photos of them too.

There was also a weird bit where he showed me loads of pictures of his daughter. She was quite beautiful, but even so. He showed no interest in my daughter (not that I would have shown pictures of her, or revealed any details anyway, of course!). So it wasn't an attempt to get me to open up about mine. Obviously just likes talking about his. It's sweet I suppose, but ....

Anyway, even had he been a prince among men, no right thinking woman will go near him when she finds out his views on black and Asian people. (And in a way I really am glad he slipped up so soon - or maybe it was deliberate on his part, as he only wants to date fellow racists?).

I was trying to think how I could suss this out before meeting - I am on the voluntary DEI working party at school (I teach) , and I help a lot for events for BHM and similar. And I have worked hard to make sure our KS3 curriculum features texts by diverse writers (not just dead white guys!). So it wouldn't be impossible to shoehorn some sort of observation about this into conversation, IF I get one who asks anything about my work, life, views etc.....

Seriously, this is something I am really noticing this time round - men who ask nothing! Of the 6 I have now met in person, 4 of them barely asked a single thing about me, and spoke about themselves at tedious length.... Is it because I am less visible now I am in my late 40s? Or have I only just now gained sufficient confidence to think they SHOULD be interested in me, and to resent it when they aren't?