The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oops sorry just saw the follow-up comment - I hope my question on the kiss didn’t make you feel pressure! I was trying to help understand whether you did feel lurking chemistry or not, there was zero judgment . Whatever you do next, good luck!

This is a completely normal thing to do and nothing wrong in it at all! Also nothing wrong with trying a 2nd date to see if anything develops. Personally it’s very rare for me to experience instant fireworks with anyone and some of my biggest loves were people I didn’t look twice at when I first met them (IRL not online dating).

If your personalities click even if you’re not sure about the attraction I think it’s worth a 2nd date, assuming there’s enough interest on your part. Not if the thought of it leaves you cold.

I had a similar situation a couple of months ago and went on a 2nd date. I had a great evening and we kissed but ultimately I decided that the spark just wasn’t there. Nothing wrong with him - lovely guy, very intelligent and physically attractive but just the elusive chemistry missing.

Ultimately we are all looking to find a connection with someone and it’s really hard!

Over the last day or so I've been starting to feel a little more positive about OLD, and I think the reason for that is that I have been swiping more and therefore matching with and talking to more guys, which means I am not getting too invested too early in particular individuals, so not feeling too down-hearted when I'm blocked out of nowhere or a red flag rears it's head.

Strictly keeping all chats on the app until we have actually met is also helpful (thanks to those who advised this - this thread is so helpful, and I am grateful to everyone for sharing their experience and tips!). It means I am more able to compartmentalise and not let OLD leach into my real life conversations with friends and family - and also, it means the chats don't go as deep, which again means I am not getting overly invested too quickly.

I have a number of Bumble chats simmering away, with three main contenders I would currently like to meet:

Mr Food - lovely bloke, quite flirty but keeping that within bounds so far. We are due to meet Sunday night. My only reservation is that based on his pics I may not be attracted - I am hoping his personality will outweigh this. (I'm a bit of a mix as regards this - some of my exes have been conventionally handsome, and some really haven't!)

Mr Cars - again, a lovely fella, asks lots of questions, good job, very local. And he also seems very handsome from his pic! He is my favourite so far. But though he has agreed we should meet and agreed a location, no actual day fixed as yet.

Mr Pragmatic - nice guy again, quite handsome (though less so than Cars). A little old for me though that isn't a deal breaker. His job isn't great though. (I am no gold digger but having experienced feckless grifters in the past, I am not keen to open the Bank of Lurchers yet again...). And I am not quite sure we are a match in terms of wider interests. Like Cars, agrees we should meet but no date set as yet.

Trying to enjoy this period of excitement and possibility - I haven't spent much time dating in my life, and I have always thought it SHOULD be a time for optimism, adventure and fun. Not 100% sure I am as ready for a relationship as I hope I am, and am open to having more counselling to work through that if it does prove to be the case.

Massive thanks to everyone who advises, supports and/or cheer-leads on this thread - it's so helpful to have a space like this! :)

@empirebiscuits12 I am also taking a break love from the thread now, please be kind to yourself and know you have done nothing wrong in the slightest 💜

Mr Cars sounds exciting! Would you drive a first date forward or wait for him to instigate?

(Mr holiday Homes took rejection very graciously so still chatting. Going for a beach picnic on Sunday as friends. I know ....)

Ducking hell put hamburg on travel mode. FM I might move there! Just saying.

Oh bless you - please don’t think that - there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all - zilch, nada, zero.

I did this with Mr Not For Me - it wasn’t gross but I could have watched paint dry instead - but you’ve got to try, unless you’re actively repulsed I think - sometimes that’s the time a spark does kick in. I’d like also already assumed this would be dating at 60 - but of a chore on that side but get a companion sort of thing! I even gave a kiss a second whirl when I was sure it was a big fat no on the second date - I drew the line at him staying over even when he offered just to lay awake watching me 👀

I have previously kissed, gone further, gone to bed without chemistry - not so much now as meh I’m 60 and wouldn’t bother I think.

When it’s right it will be right - you did nothing wrong - in fact I’d have recommended trialling some kissing - as other normal folk would 💐

@empirebiscuits12and @Becky3825- hope you are both ok 💐

I want to apologise for continuing to engage with Shark - I hoped he may listen to sense as he sounded down - he’s way, way over stepped now and I’m so sorry for this.

He obviously needs help I can’t give him. I said on the last thread he was making me rethink my many years possible laxness around dates/personal safety - I should have left it there.

His comments have been irrational as well as harassing so please take no notice of his words - they’re meaningless.

Apologies again for all on this thread as well 💗

Hey fab update 😀 - I think low investment is the way to go. I only didn’t invest this time as I just wasn’t so bothered - so it was easy - I’ve tried before not to as we learn quite fast it’s a pointless game to do so, but then again it’s not always easy. I was restrictive over the times I went on and answered too - maybe once a day and not even every day - if I started to check messages incoming I still only answered once per day - definitely no number exchange until date too - it all helped a little I think.

Pleased to meet new contenders for you - I guess I’m open to not to my physical type at 60 ha - and that’s worked well this time. However, it’s exciting to find a physical type - I recall! - so Mr Cars sounds promising. I get what you mean re Bank of Self - though it can be hard to tell at first I think.

Hope one of these is worthy of you - looking forward to updates.

Haha - I could definitely get onboard with coffee in bed and great cuddles - I think they’re near top of my list in reality lol. It can be random what leads to sex talk though I get that!

My profile is actually pretty bare - I have had it years and redid it when I really couldn’t be bothered at all - and never updated after that - however I still got chats, dates this time.

I definitely put friends/ dating - also 60, smoked, and not the slim option (I did update that!). On PoF you can type on interests/likes so I did put stuff like dancing, night sky, cats, reading etc.

On the description bit though I actually only put ‘bottom line, must have a pulse’ - and for what to chat about ‘this, that and world peace’. My photos weren’t great but I think fairly representative. Anyway l, found it gave guys enough to mention to start conversation- if they bothered reading it. The pulse thing could be a bit dodgy I learned later but only for a few who I ignored. I might have said something about the art of conversation not sure. I had a couple of ‘awesome profile, you sound amazing’ messages, I mean I didn’t bother answering those cut and paste jobs either ha!

I had plans, as I was a bit more interested this time, to update both profile and photos - but not gone back on as mr tree continues. I don’t think my profile is a recommended approach at all - and i hypocritically prefer a fuller one to look at - honestly I was just so can’t be bothered it ended up as the above.

I did have a big age gap once - solely dating, no future, and not long after leaving refuge tbh so many, many years ago - met in a pub with friends. It was pleasant and quiet - not that I maintained that approach as I then reverted to fun dickheads ha!

I have mentioned my daughter - apart from school all her relationships have had age gaps - rising each time to current one of 19 years that she met age 30. He was her new neighbour when she moved. I have to own to being a bit dubious on first meeting - the gap, not the guy, particularly as he (unlike others) very much looks his age - but they’re now married and very, very happily. She knows some folk think he’s a sugar Dad - she actually out earns and out savings him but that’s irrelevant for them - she’s had some not so nice comments too but she is unphased.

He is funny and chilled - her princess levels dropped and she is secure and safe and loves him massively- he adores her and it’s clearly not about looks or age.

They are now nearly 40/59 and there’s no gap on stuff they talk about, general stuff and bigger stuff. I know I offended a previous date she had saying he’d probably remember such and such 🙈🤣 but this one is fine about his age and the gap - no issues at all - he’s comfortable in his own skin and confident in their relationship- and me and my other kids love him too. I think I knew it was working excellently when they managed covid easily - my daughter is not always the easiest lady to live with tbf!

Idk if that helps - I think it’s the person not the age though personally I do find I generally have preference for very close to my own age - well I guess 79 now would definitely be a step too far lol.

I’d say give it a whirl then you may know - not on age but just date connection.

I'm just browsing the thread on & off now as I'm no longer online dating, but I wanted to jump in to send support after reading the last page.

empirebiscuits12 hasn't done anything wrong.

@empirebiscuits12 you did nothing wrong, though I still think go on another date. I had amazing chemistry with my ex too, and actually we also split due to him not feeling a priority (when I had kids). Its hugely painful. But I think you have to try and reframe things, I try and think 'hes going to end up with someone who suits him better' and vice versa. But definitely see this guy again if you have any vibe.

Im still not engaging much on the apps. But im in a rut where I just meet school parents. Lots of friends, mainly female plus a few grumpy men. My best friend gets a ton of attention as very glam and sexy but none want anything more. I've just lost my dating spark! Not even sure if its a menopausal thing but i just see myself as a mum. However how can any man think im great, if that's all I am?

I’m sure this has been asked a million times but what apps are people using? I can’t believe how dead Hinge is this time around

I'm using Bumble - have used Tinder previously, and to be honest they are both much of muchness.

Hinge is the one I am recommended most often, and I will probably set up a profile on there, when I can summon the energy....

@TheThingOnTheIce I used tinder for about 3 months, I think it’s got a bit of a bad rep for just being about hook ups but I chatted to quite a few men who, a bit like women, seemed to be there for lots of different reasons. Then went on hinge, chatted to two people, the second of which I’ve been seeing for a few months. It seemed quite a few people were on both, lots of the same faces, I guess you get to find out a little more on hinge. Happy swiping 😀

I have been dropping quite a few hints to Cars about meeting up - to be honest more than just hints, I have clearly stated a couple of times that I think we should - so I do kind of need him to commit to a time now. Hopefully he will - I feel like he is genuine about meeting. But of course, until you sit down with them physically in front of you, you never know for sure who is for real and who isn't.......

I’ve always said Hinge is quality over quantity but this time I’m getting neither . 3 years since I was last on it. In fact today should have been my 3 year anniversary with Mr Pervert

He’s around 20 years older, yes.

Generally I don’t judge age gaps at all… Say dating someone from The Beatles at 60 - people say it’s about money. I personally think it’s about dating a person with an absolutely amazing brain, someone whose world is truly unique and with whom everything would be so interesting.

I’m not looking to age gap date per se, most guys that fancy me are a couple of years younger.

However under the right circumstances I might explore. I did however date someone 10 years older and there were already sexual problems, which is probably my main concern.

So you’d do it again with the right person?

I’m mostly using Hinge at the moment and chatting to 3 guys at the moment. I had quite a few dates through Bumble last time I did OLD but this time after an initial flurry of interest and a couple of dates it’s been crickets so given up on that now.

I’ve been thinking of downloading Tinder as I do go through quiet spells on hinge and did have some success on there last time. I just can’t be bothered with creating another profile!

@MsJinks Thanks for your thoughts! I have suggested to him in the past to meet for lunch, very much implying it would be a friends/ professional thing, but he keeps complimenting my appearance in a flirty way all the time and sending hearts, so… Not sure where to take it as he’s a lovely person.

Honestly I don’t hugely care about what the rest of the village thinks as long as it’s a happy relationship! Come to think of it, I’ve perhaps chosen people to upset the conservative mindset in the past. I look like the typical privileged Trump Republican woman (I can’t really help it) and I’ve dated different ethnicities, religions and people from very poor backgrounds quite regularly. I know we say it’s 2026 and nobody cares but actually people do care quite a bit sometimes.

So I’m pleased your friend is happy 😊

Regarding the apps… I wonder if it depends on geographical area and age also? When I was using OLD I was 35 and living in Lake District.

Bumble was busy, lots of guys. Hinge… Less than 10 guys within a 15-mile radius!!! I’ve always felt like Hinge is more for younger people (under 30) and maybe more urban than rural? But perhaps it has changed now.

On balance, yes I would.

I think sexual problems are a valid concern. My older ex was open to using Viagra, which I had no problem with (I understand it makes some women uncomfortable) and the sex was actually very good for the first year or so of the relationship - probably better than some sex I have had with younger guys, as he was very unselfish and made a lot of effort.

Unfortunately, the sex did become a bit stale as the relationship wore on - but I have experienced that with same age partners too, so I have no reason to think it was age related.

As you say, an older partner potentially offers a greater wealth of interesting life experience, and (hopefully) greater emotional maturity......

I also ideally prefer a partner without school-age or younger children - it's not an absolute rule (I have a teenage daughter myself) but it certainly makes things easier...

@empirebiscuits12 You've done sod all wrong! If you're not feeling it, that's the end of that. You owe him nothing

@Ilovelurchers Yes I think being open to solutions is important, as beyond a certain age both men and women can encounter sexual challenges, myself included.

I believe (hard to say as I’ve not been in a consistent sexual relationship for a long time now) that frequency and keenness are important to me. I have a high drive at times and have struggled with being turned down frequently. I’d love to find someone who’d love to actually stay up all night, or stay in bed all weekend. I have plenty of emotional connection in my life, so in a romantic relationship I’m really interested in the physical, otherwise it just becomes another friendship.

However that’s not really something you can put on a dating profile!!! So my strategy to find this is to consider younger guys and hope I get lucky. But generally I do think that’s hard to find in this day and age. Men are looking to connect mentally much more than physically, I’m not sure anyone is having much sex anymore 🙈

Agree with the points you made. I’ve dated a parent long-term and it never really worked, even though I imagined it would. Greater maturity is also welcome, I’m a bit too old for ‘I like football and beer’ now 😆

I should probably take my own advice and get out there and actually give men a chance beyond 30 seconds, rather than sit here and discuss theory 🙈