The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

🫶🏻 we’ve talked about this before. I’m convinced that everyone has more than one “soul mate”. I hope so anyway!

@empirebiscuits12 thats a bit saddening to hear, if he hasnt put a foot wrong and he clearly like you, but he is about to be dumped -(

My soulmate is my best friend... I'm so glad I focused on my platonic relationships throughout my life, got me through the past few years of shit!

I didn’t say he was getting “dumped”? I said I’m happy to go on another date to see if there’s chemistry next time. Plus he’s not mine to dump….we went on one date?

I have one life and I want to find someone to spend it with that ignites and excites me. Someone I can’t wait to tell all my news at the end of the day, and hear all about his. A best friend whose clothes I want to rip off. These things need chemistry.

I’ve been on dates in the past where the guy has politely told me thanks but not for me (obviously not in those words). I’ve never been offended or wondered where I put a foot wrong or felt like I’d been dumped. It’s one of those things. Sometimes there’s great chat over message but in real life that electric buzz isn’t there. And that’s okay.

Mr Finance seems mature enough to understand that, if it comes to that but I’m hoping not because on paper he’s a dream.

She's had one date with him and isn't feeling it. It's not dumping someone, he's almost a stranger! She doesn't owe him anything!

TBF if he’s in finance not so keen. Ditched one of those already. 🤣🤣

Yay! Fingers crossed it's indeed the long-awaited double 😊

Honestly, the guys I have entertained because of feeling instant attraction... The lastest one I had an instant crush on spent all his money on football and beer... Except he was not 21! Last I heard he quit his job 'to go travelling' 😂Nothing wrong with it per se but add to that he still lived at home... He was actually 21 in a 35-year-old's body!

I best message Mr Artistic back, considering all this! Does anyone have anything positive to say about relationships with a big age gap, around 20 years?

Not that I'd actually date him, but does make you wonder! It's been a year and he has nothing wrong with him at all, other than the age gap.

It's not a game of 'do everything right, tick the boxes and get the girl' though.

Finding love is not a job interview where you can have the perfect application and give the right kind of interview, and you are rewarded. It's all about feelings, and those a totally irrational.

Most guys I have dated haven't done much right at all! I just fancied them. Honestly, Mr RedFlagParade has no real job and a terminal illness, probably some anger issues, but he was just really interesting to talk to and knew lots about geopolitics. That got me very turned on, sadly 😆

Relationships are not based on logic and earned reward. Or would you want to be with someone whose inner thought is 'I don't actually love him but he tries so hard, bless him, I better give him something back?'

Personally what I'm looking for, sorry to be a bit crude, is a man that can't wait to get me home and undressed every time he looks at me, and who thinks I am super interesting and fun to be around. Who looks forward to every date, not 'well she scores highly in the generally accepted female ranking system'. I'm deeply flawed and certainly not everyone's cup of tea, I'm not a conventional 'good girl', apperance maybe makes up for it but still... I want someone that thinks 'damn she's crazy and weird and hot, I can't get enough!'

You can't convince someone to be with you simply by liking them and doing everthing right. (It does of course help)

Yeah I find it socially akward to be asked what I am looking for and what my relationship goals are.

An honest profile would read 'looking for someone who brings me coffee to bed Sunday morning and gives great cuddles'. I'd probably also add something about 'looking to spend time together and see where it goes'.

That would attract all kinds of wrong 'uns though! Right?

You mentioned in a previous post that guys can tell you're too keen. I've definitely been in that place in the past, being super available and flexible etc.

I'm a totally different person now and look back at that person with slight embarrassment, also because the guys that keenness was directed at were objectively really bad ideas. To be frank I am very keen on physical closeness right now and keep checking men out. When someone actually approaches me though, apparently I act very disinterested. The most common phrase I hear from guys is 'I fancied you but your signals told me you weren't interested'

Think I said before... The moment you tell a guy it's not going to work out is the moment they start paying attention. The fear of loss seems very inbuilt for them. Even standing them up doesn't make them go away.

So what have you actually put on your profile in terms of what you're looking for?

Haha yes! I totally empathise with the feeling of being vaguely repulsed. Like the first date I had last weekend, he was very pleasant, polite, good conversation. Decent job and objectively not unattractive at all. I just couldn’t imagine anything physical happening between us ever.

@ElleintheWoods the last date i went on, in 2023, I tried to do things by the book.

• arrived early and had a drink waiting for her.
• complimented her

-listened and asked questions

• swapped stories
• held doors open
• dressed well

-switched my phone off

• didnt get touchy feely. Respected her space.
• asked if she got home ok.

I never actually heard from her again after the date, so i felt i did something wrong. Id like to think that i didnt insult her or anything.

@empirebiscuits12 it would be cruel of you to go on a 2nd date, if you dont fancy him.

@empirebiscuits12 how come you don’t think there is chemistry, if you were open to kissing him? Genuine question! If you laughed tonnes and you kissed, that sounds like early chemistry to me! Try not to compare to your ex x

@UmberSheep i think that she found him to be a nice person, but didnt fancy him.

I guess I kissed him back to see if there was chemistry there but I didn’t really feel it. I don’t know what’s going on with me tbh 😞

I’m going to take a wee break from the thread. Best of luck everyone 🤍 x

Seriously….can you leave me alone now please and stop tagging me.

That sounds like a really good date.

Like I said before, doing everything by the book doesn't guarantee anything though. It's just basic manners.

I've hardly ever been on a bad date, everyone's usually nice and it's enjoyable. But you can't get into a relationship with every nice person just because they're nice. I mean, you could, but polygamy is frowned upon by some 😆

ForRedShark, sorry to butt in everyone, I think you need to leave this thread now. This is a safe space for women, created by women. Men are welcomed in if they abide with the spirit of the thread. You are not.

Please try to hear this in a constructive way- your behaviour on this thread is likely indicative of why you’re not progressing to finding a genuine connection in person or through dating. You don’t seem to be able to perceive how your words or messages might be coming across. You don’t pick up on cues other very kind and patient posters are giving you. Your questions are all about yourself- you’re asking questions with the aim of trying to increase your dating chances rather than genuinely engaging in a reciprocal fashion. You are also incredibly negative, which is fine we can all get down sometimes but I suggest you refrain from engaging with the dating scene, and indeed this thread, until you have worked more on yourself. Several women have recommended you explore your negative self feelings in therapy. That is the correct space to do so. The Mumsnet mantra has always been not to take more than you give and give more than you can afford to give. You are currently making women feel deeply uncomfortable. It’s happened more than once. Please reflect on your own behaviour.

Please don't go because you are feeling picked on or judged - you haven't done anything wrong at all, and nobody has the right to make you feel like that!

This is a safe space for us all to share our thoughts and feelings, which can be complex and contradictory.

I've often gone on dates with people I wasn't sure I fancied. And kissed them. I've shagged people I wasn't sure I fancied on occasion, because I wanted sex, or because I thought I would fancy them more, or various other reasons.

And I don't feel remotely guilty about it. I also don't think that someone dating me, kissing me, even sleeping with me, is a guarantee they are attracted to me. Because I am an adult and understand that relationships are complex, people are complex, attraction is complex, etc etc etc.

And I cannot stress this enough - you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! Xxx

I had promised myself I wasn't going to respond to you any more, but I can't stand back and say nothing when you make these judgemental, upsetting comments to a woman who is sharing her experiences somewhere that is supposed to be a safe space for women.

You have absolutely no right - it's totally inappropriate - and the fact that you think it's appropriate to speak to women like this, in this context, tells me everything I didn't need to know about why you are struggling to form connections.

And I'm sorry, but "didn't get touchy feely" is not some kind of gracious concession on your part. It is an absolute expected baseline of any civilised interaction that you do not touch women, or anybody else, who hasn't explicitly you too do so. The fact that you find this comment worthy really concerns me. Even the phrase "touchy feely" is minimising what would be a form of sexual harassment/sexual assault.

Is Artistic older or younger?

I had a two year relationship with a guy who was 18 years older, when I was 40. I didn't find it a problem - he was quite young in his outlook to be honest - there were other problems which led to our eventually break up, but age wasn't one.

I think he occasionally felt embarrassed by it (people often assumed I was his daughter, or that he must be very rich to have attracted such a younger woman - a stereotype I know, but sadly a common one!)

And I think he occasionally felt jealous when younger guys paid me attention when we were out - but that can be true when there is no age gap, to be fair.

If everything else is good, an age gap would not in itself put me off!

That makes sense and it’s ok to sense check! It’s a first date and you had nothing to lose. I do still think you could suss out further in a second date how you feel fully though, as the laughing lots sounds good to me. And it’s super normal to do a sense check second date and then drop it x