The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Haha - glad there’s no fish photos.

I’m not sure what sites you are on - I think you mentioned Hinge? I’ve used only PoF lately though and never paid so it’s a straightforward search though I never messaged first and just answered those (some) messaging me.

So anyway, after that pointless info, I’m just wondering if there is anything on your parameters or similar that might be affecting this? I’m not sure if there can/can’t be but it was just a thought.

Or alternatively the girls you swipe right on are likely not to have you in their match category? eg if you’re quite a bit older than them or something?

Then there’s the facts of the profile - I rarely answer a tee totaller but that’s just me on here I think so regular drinker could be off putting! I think not many swipe on a smoker - though I own to being one - so some guys do. And similar stuff.

Your profile sounds fine - you could share bits of your statement here for feedback I think.

End of the day it is a numbers game - I’ve seen something on here about out of 10 matches maybe only 1 or 2 may even get a message let alone anything else - you probably do need to go through huge numbers to get a connection.

I mentioned height as a lie thing but 5’8 is a fine height - I’m 5’5 and would prefer 5’7 plus personally though might not be a deal breaker - this is fairly generic across girls, tiny bit taller, though some go shorter and some like tall - 5’8 will not be a major feature of no match I think whatsoever.

Sometimes a break helps and you get more matches on a return.

Don't forget to get out and about!

I would be insanely stressed out by this to be honest - but I have to be someone who plans well in advance.....

If you aren't enjoying the state of uncertainty, just tell him you need to plan ahead more - it's totally reasonable! If he is the one for you, he will come back with an alternative date.

The smoking thing is interesting - I am a very occasional smoker - I also vape (though again I can go without, I never do either on first dates) but I still list myself as a smoker as I want to reserve the right to do so on a date if I want to!

It probably does put some off, and I could easily change it and just not smoke around the new person - I wonder if subconsciously I am creating weird barriers for the "right person" to get around?

Again, maybe something to speak to my therapist about!

Good luck @MsJinks!!!! (Holiday homes lies were more of a massaging of the truth. His real stats wouldn’t have mattered if he had at least come clean before the date. Also when asked about what ex would have said about him. He didn’t know. She just left. 🙄 strange. My ex and I have a list as long as your arm about what we both did wrong. I’d own up to it.) Going travel mode. Here’s hoping for some fun fun fun!!!

He’s text saying he’s still trying to sort stuff out I’ve said just leave it it’s too late… it’s 7:30 nearly.. his kids aren’t little at all

Well done. That's just rude asking you to hang about.

@MsJinks @Midnight19 ill upload my profile wording here later, so you can tell me what you think.

Yes, you have made the right choice here. Make it clear from the start that your time is important and not to be messed around with.

And what are your chances of enjoying the date if you are feeling flustered, stressed out and rushed?

If he is genuinely interested he will make another date. If not, good that you found out now!

That's a very strange answer - it must be vanishingly rare for people to just suddenly and unexpectedly leave, when everything appears to be going great.

I am sure that my ex would present our break up like this thought (actually I had loads of concerns that I repeatedly tried to address, all of which he ignored. While it would be possible to describe my departure as "sudden" in a sense, that really wasn't the whole story......)

I used to smoke like full time - switched to vaping except for a rare night out out but had slid back to more smoking though can stick to solely vape.

I have consistently left smoking on my profile - just so I don’t have to deny myself at all. In fact I used to flag it up as well if I got a date, in case they’d not noticed it on my profile - personally I can’t be hiding at least vaping - not for long anyway and very doubtful if it were a drink date.

Both my dates this time were non smokers on profile - I flagged to Mr Not for Me and said I do vape, if this is an issue just say now before we meet - he said he’d be ok with this - of course he would be he actively smoked - regularly! Mr Tree had non smoker too, but included in an early message it was good I smoked - I said that’s so weird a non smoker liking smoking! Yeah I know it’s a fib but it was mentioned early and fit my out out date style anyhow lol. Being honest it’s probably not good for my fag v vape rate but everything else is so!

I don’t know how they’d manage to hide it though after a date or two at least - if you’re not that fussed and won’t ‘need’ a vape particularly then you could try putting non smoker - it is an absolute deal breaker for some I know. Then there’s those hoping to stop smoking/vaping who want that push, don’t want to be with a regular puffer.

I do actually think quite a few will vape but put non smoker - on PoF I don’t think there’s a vape option or wasn’t when I set up.

Hoping counsellor helps sort a couple of things out for you.

I put non smoker as a vaper. He shaved 5 years off…. These were both addressed v early and we have continued together for the last 14 months. I think as we both had a bit of a fib it wasn’t too much of a big deal. But I get that for others lies are a complete no no.

Hmmmm all these stories want me to sign up to OLD... Or not?! I just don't want another summer hanging out with my mates and no action.

As for profile facts... To be honest I use them to very heavily eliminate people, IRL and online, and maybe I'm going wrong there. E.g. I wouldn't date a drinker (so that's 80% of the population gone!), wouldn't date a religious person (that's the remaining 20% also gone😂), many hobbies/ interests I'm not keen on, certain types of self-portrayal are a no (gym/muscly pics a huge no, although probably all of my exes would have posted something like this).

I have in the past tried to be very open-minded and went on dates with a religious guy, but our beliefs were just too far apart. Or Mr RedWine who was into wine, but he genuinely got plastered every Friday night, and spent Saturday morning hungover, his friends were very much the same.

Really struggling on the balance of being open-minded vs eliminating people who are just a bad idea!

One of the reasons why I am reluctant to try a dating app again is because everyone I ever met on there were just a really bad idea, one way or another.

BUT... Maybe I need to stop overthinking and actually not run away when someone starts talking to me next time! Date count of 2026? Yes, still zero.

Oh - you could give it a go - treat it very low key - I just went on about 5/7 once per day when chatting - saved investment- but others will treat it more seriously, as it is a numbers game really.

I was pretty ruthless too, albeit with different criteria. Having said that I ended up with a date with a total non drinker - after loads of messaging and forgetting this was on his profile - which is one of my no’s generally as I occasionally do like a drink and like out out dates. So maybe there is more room for flexibility- having said that I do really enjoy out out dates and a drink or two with Mr Tree.

Do you rule out all alcohol? I do see quite a few at my age at least tgat are tee total. The ‘occasional’ drinker unfortunately covers a huge range I think from MN thimble at Xmas to a bottle of vodka each night - though as it’s not in the morning it doesn’t throw them into ‘regular’ apparently lol.

Religion - I don’t take lots of notice on profile tbh - guess I assume it’s not a big part of them unless it’s also discussed in the narrative - that’s as I guess I’m culturally Christian, no idea what I might believe in reality, and never know what to tick on hospital forms eg so I just assume that’s probably same for them 🙈 It isn’t a bad spot though.

Think cablight on/off has been discussed here - maybe when you’re really ready you will find more to choose from in the wild and online? I’ve had times when there absolutely no one - in fact I ended up believing this to be an actual fact forever as it’s been so for a few years now - till this most recent time them there were a few to chat to and two separate dates weirdly lol.

@MsJinksthat you back from a date?

Hey. I was just about to jump on the thread anyhoo. As I'm back online dating after some time. What has worked for me in the past (some nice bfs and nice long term FWBs) is to match with people that I'm not sure about and so not a massively high bar. Not chat for more than 2 weeks or so and then meet for a coffee. I live in London and so unpause my account and then pause it again after a day or so and then chat with matches. I mention the London thing cos it obvs constitutes a greater pool, so to speak! If I'm meeting a friend or going to the theatre then I'll fit in a coffee before or after, sometimes both! I like it cos it feels like it recreates that irl meeting thing, without getting super invested with chats etc

Maybe the other thing to add is that I keep the coffees to about 1hr or so typically. If someone is feeling very compatible then I would make sure I meet them later so there is a bit more time to give. But I would not go above 2 hrs. And then the second date is more like a first date really, where I'll give them an evening. I don't drink or kiss on the first date 😂Also I really recommend the New York dating style - you can both date as many people as you like simultanouesly (inlcuding sleeping with the people you're dating) and then if they or you want to, you can ask to go exclusive. I also really recommend the pausing your account thing. Living in a major city I get 50+ matches within a day - I'm 48 and fairly average... I'm upfront about dating non-exlusively and I dont' know if that means I get more matches or whether it's the pausing thing that makes the algorithm think I'm something special 😂

Anyway! The reason I jumped on is cos I'm very carried away with a few matches and so wanted to get some perspective. Mr Portugal and Mr France! Mr Portugal seems SO perfect right now. He's 55yrs and so older than I would normally date (more 30s or early 40s), but I love his communication style. He is SO enthusiastic about me so far in this first week of chatting. He is very jokey and enthusiastic! His communication is also perfect for me. I don't respond for a few days and he doesn't hassle me and then as soon as I message him he replies within a few minutes. (fyi I don't give my number or switch to whatsapp until I've met in person and then even that doesn't guarantee my number - I went on a date and he was keen but I wasn't sure and so we stayed messaging on the app). In fact oddly my serious relationships have all come from people that haven't suggested messaging out of the app! Don't know why that is. It's always been me. One guy is just asking to swtich to whatsapp all the time for me and it puts me off. I've been busy this week but hoping to meet for a coffee on Friday or Saturday not this, but next weekend

• I'll let you know how it goes!

I'll message about Mr France another day. This week I looked back over my previous relationships of the last 5 years that I've been dating (wasn't dating previously) and why they didn't work out. They fall into 2 categories - we weren't compatible or the guy was avoidant/commitment phobe and that's why he was older and still single. I found that helpful, but I am left wondering which one Mr Portugal will be. My feeling is that he is the latter - no children and doesn't want any - successful in his career - what's wrong with him, why is he single?😂😂😂

Oh - thank you for asking - I’m not actually sure - did I say I had one? - I know told Red I was date overnighting on Friday (re his photo request) - I also went Sunday and then overnighted Wednesday - I may have mentioned them as I have mentionitis quite badly! So, these are all Mr Tree and not all different, wild dates - how exciting would that be maybe lol - but I’m 60 so possibly would kill me too ha!

I’ve been seeing him since 17/4 - I have to keep checking that date lol - started just counting dates, but now that’s too many. I’m proper smitten tbh but think I have fallen very lucky this time around - conversely this has raised my bar so much from the type of thing I had been expecting now and at 60, I don’t know how I’d follow this if it all goes pear shaped!

@b0zza1- hi - I’m newer here myself, but welcome to one of the best threads going - so supportive, helpful and lovely to each other.

Your recommendations re on/off and the coffee dates are good - I make them myself - then didn’t end up following it this time around ha but all is good - I was flexible maybe!

Number swap for me is for first date, not before as I like the proper messaging, and WhatsApp is necessarily mainly shorter and so just a bit lazy in my book (not forgetting the potential dick pics!) I dislike a push for it before that, though it’s ok to ask just once, and pushing for anything I guess is off putting.

I agree mainly too not to be entirely ruthless but maybe flexible - at 60 and not that fussed I was ruthless (stop talking on my site) very easily, but then the 2 separate dates I got randomly were flexible on the non drinker, partly as I’d forgotten, and probably how they looked - they probably have to be with me though too ha - very glad I was indeed though now.

Mr Portugal and Mr France sound exciting! So Mr Portugal - my daughter is married to someone 19 years older (2 years younger than me!) and very, very happily too - but she always liked and dated older guys so this wasn’t out there, if a bit of a stretch. They work really well together, but there are I guess points of difference I guess. Maybe try another date? I love that sort of messaging style - can’t abide being told someone had crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast personally (first date this time around!) - I think it shows respect and interest - good start.

Yes - we (I!)love updates - so let us know how the coffee date goes - and the Mr EU guys!

Hi - did you manage to communicate about weird girl at all? Hope it went well.

Hope too all goes well anyway with Mr Planes 😀

I told him it was weird, he said "that's her"

I have a friend who knows her who is very tactful who described her as "unique" and asked "which ex she has a lot".

@bellalou1234 he sounds married?

@b0zza1 new york dating sounds like hell to me but each to their own 😁

Indeed. Suppose I just don’t like going on ‘dates’ with people I’m not interested in and excited about. Hence my preference for IRL - at least you know there’s some interest/attraction.

The times I have used an app, I just swipe through everyone in my area within an hour, and beyond that there’s just nobody left 🙈 And then the ones that have been left haven’t been particularly exciting.

With alcohol, I think it’s just weird for the other person if they enjoy getting a bit tipsy and I just sit there with my water 😂 In my experience so far they’d usually influence me to drink as otherwise it’s socially quite awkward. Most people like an evening glass of wine, don’t they?

Oh I’m definitely ready! Practically gagging for it and staring at men in supermarket car parks 😂 But equally find something wrong with everyone when it comes to it

Well, I always found Hinge to be pretty quiet but the least scary. But this time round it’s crickets

Your approach makes sense!

See, I prefer meeting people in a low-key way, ie hanging out and seeing how we get on.

What I’ve found with online dating is that people genuinely think it’s building to a relationship from day one. Instead of getting to know each other, it’s very much ‘what are your intentions with me?’ right away. Mate, I don’t know you, so I don’t know! Men get really invested straight away and it puts a lot of pressure on you to not lead them.

Suppose I don’t like letting people down and therefore I’d rather not get the hopes of someone up unless I’m actually into them. Does it make sense?

How’s it going this time around? Anything interesting?