The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Its really not a good thing and i would instantly bin.

This is really good - I need to make the effort to socialise more and do a wider range of things too. Saying yes to everything is a really good idea!

I am trying to think of where I have met people in the wild before:
Pubs
Trains - this is strangely fruitful
Amateur sporting events (I sometimes make the cricket tea for an occasional side)
Volunteering
Work.

In fact, a colleague unexpectedly called me "trouble" today and I suddenly realised that I find him pretty damn attractive - he is not conventionally hot at all but definitely has something about him. There is no problem with dating in my workplace - we have a fair few couples who met through work - so I really ought to try and find out if he's single......

The lack of disappointment is the most telling thing. No loss. Hope Mr Painter goes well. Sat waiting for Mr Holiday Horns. His train was cancelled.

Mr Drums has planned a date for Saturday to go and see some live music. I am excited to meet him, the chat is going well, but I wanted to check if these are red flags:
-Saying 'you're not like other girls'
-Offering to pick me up in his car and drop me off
To be fair I could get a train. I told him my friend would be checking up on me and he suggested I give her his number and said she could meet him if he picks me up. He has also booked somewhere to stay because he's not exactly local. If I like him who knows what it could lead to, I'm just not used to someone making this much effort.

Ooh - sounds a good date.

I think you may get mixed opinions on flags that may or may not be red.

Offering to pick up and drop off is gentlemanly in my opinion - although I never let them pick me up tbh on a first date - in case they do turn out to be a serial killer. But after that I’m quite lax and will let them drop off if they seem ok - others might not.

‘Not like other girls’ would require further definition for me - sometimes it’s a bit of a flag re their expectations of how ‘their girl’ Will behave - how they view other girls behaved with them. Idk - I don’t want to put you off what sounds like a fun date - hopefully others will be along to comment with other views. And most importantly what do you think he means by it?

All the best with it.

Is he now Horns? It sounds more fun than homes haha.

Have fun!

This says it all - whatever he meant it also landed wrong - and that itself not a good sign.

Fingers crossed for Mr Painter!

Oh no I wouldn’t let a stranger pick me up I’d make my own way there

I’ve had a very worrying recent experience that I shared on here a few weeks ago. On date 4 with someone I did let him drop me off at home and he turned up at my house unannounced when I’d already said I was busy. It took me a while to get him out of my house and it was pretty creepy.
I’d never let a date know where I lived for a first date, but I thought date 4 was a bit safer. It wasn’t. Proceed with extreme caution. Don’t let him pick you up. Make your own way there and back so you can leave when you want. You don’t want to be reliant on him for transport if it goes wrong.
Saying ‘you’re not like other girls’ is a well know start to coercive control. He might think that but please look out for love bombing and excessive flattery as it’s designed for you to lower your defences. I would class both as red flags.

And @Becky3825- the push/pull of a user guy - sometimes the heart just can’t resist - it’s hard and it’s painful. I said before I think everyone has a personal end point where it’s done, just done, even though you may still miss them/have to get over them a bit longer. I hope it happens soon for you.

I was irrationally so pleased with myself on the apps haha - sifting determinedly and ruthlessly, and many flags hit me in the face now after decades. Pleased re the first/2nd dates too - being clear with expectations.

I shouldn’t have been pleased with myself that much and this is not though why I think I’m onto an ok thing with Mr Tree - or rather it’s not my shiny, new boundaries- it’s luck! I can feel I’d fall straight into allowing hot/cold very easily - I can tell with my response to text miscomms - they’ve all turned out ok - he does exactly what he says he will - the dates are offered every time - if it had been what I thought at first, like a put off, I do reckon I’d have let it slip past tbh as I was drafting/thinking of how to get that offer and as I do like him - and it’s my habit of decades.

Its hard not to go there I think.

It is fortunately easy not to go there with the sex offers - why on earth do they do this? I get less at 60 I think haha but some like to have sex conversations- and honestly, not to be mean, but I also look at their profile pics and think - look in a mirror and just rethink your offer.

I think ‘you’re not like other girls’ is a red flag tbh and sounds like lovebombing territory, especially if this is a first date and he’s never even met you (not sure what number date this is?)

I did get into someone’s car on a first date a few months ago but he picked me up from the station not my house. He offered to drive me home after the date but I would only let him take me back to the station as didn’t want him coming to my house that soon.

Hope the date goes well!

I think your gut reaction to news before your brain even has time to process it is very telling, so good riddance to mr probation, who clearly failed, and hello Mr Painter!

Exciting that you are meeting Holiday Horns - really hope it goes well!

The offering to pick you up isn't necessarily a red flag, as I think a lot of men just don't realise how potentially dangerous dating is for us .... As long as he accepts it if you decline and doesn't keep pushing.

As for "not like the other girls", I guess it depends - did he expand on what he meant?

Thank you @Brightbluesomething @MsJinks @Polly1979 and others for the comments. It does feel a bit like lovebombing but I'm very new to this and haven't dated in over 20 years so not sure about stuff. I'll go on the date and hopefully have a lovely time but I'll make my own way there and be careful, I think the advice will help stop me becoming too infatuated!

What @Polly1979 says

@duckingcluelessExciting hope the date with Mr HH goes well!

I also wouldn’t let a guy pick me up or drop me off for the first date. Particularly in case I needed to make an exit, I wouldn’t want to be reliant on him for a lift. I’d also worry I meant he thought I would drink more, although perhaps that’s just me overthinking things.

I agree. In fact third date I would be wary

@Ilovelurchers @Polly1979 i did another 30- 40 right swipes again today - still no matches -(

He has clearly lied about age and height. Wouldn’t have mattered. Lying does. Bit of an immediate killer. Date went ok. But he’d really have to pull It out of the bag now. Doubt he could :(

That's really annoying. Do you think you will see him again? X

I'm meant to have a date with Mr Painter tonight, but he has gone quiet since yesterday afternoon (this is a guy who normally messages A LOT).

I'm slightly suspicious about what has triggered his silence. We were having a general discussion about work, and I mentioned having to pick up extra work from my boss who is struggling with his mental health. Painter said something like "There is a lot of that around". I assumed he meant that a lot of people struggle with their mental health nowadays due to modern life, and replied with something sympathetic about my boss's situation.

Then radio silence.

Now I wonder whether he is someone who doesn't believe in depression, thinks people should pull their socks up and get on with it, and wanted me to agree that my boss is a malingering shirker?

If so, we wouldn't get on so it's best I don't go on the date. But I am frustrated that he has just gone quiet, so that I don't know for sure.

Oh well. Again, not especially disappointed.

Have a great day everyone! X

I’m a bit late but @duckingclueless ”not like other girls” is a major flag. Combined with lying about age and height, I’d say overall bin. All of it screams some form of emotional immaturity. “Not like other girls” tends to be avoidants who then run away, and/or lovebombers.