The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I always seem to get this issue of child free times not lining up. It’s so frustrating. I have my kids more like 75% of the time so if I’m trying to get a date with someone who’s 50:50 it is very tricky. It’s no wonder I’ve been single for a long time!

My date tonight, who I will call Mr Probation, messaged to say he didn't mind if I work out a quick exit strategy tonight, because he has!

I actually find this quite insulting. How about acting like it's a privilege to get a date with me?

And Mr Dark Matter has sent quite a patronising message over night, explaining how his field of employment works (despite the fact he knows that I know plenty of people who work in it already). I've also noticed he is asking absolutely nothing about me.....

Sorry to start the day with such negativity guys! Hope you all have a great day. X

Morning - not negativity just an update on your pre date sifting - and they’re always interesting.

I’m not sure on Mr Probation - I’d take a bit of the hump tbh in the minute, but then again he maybe trying to reassure you it’s ok to have your safety measures in place, alternatively making a joke about the date to keep it light and it’s landed badly, or even low self esteem (someone may have done it to him previously) and pre empting that?

Mr Dark Matter - I’d be looking to leave the conversation- depending how keen I was and willing to overlook - but that wouldn’t have been a great thing. I can’t abide being patronised tbh - once very long ago had a text ‘don’t you worry your pretty little head’ - ugh I still shudder at it 25 or more years later. And no questions - I think this has been a discussion on here and agreed easy to happen, but not the best.

Now you’ve seen this in him, I don’t think you can ever unsee it. What do you think / going to do with these irons? There will be a better one along don’t forget.

Urgh, I would not be impressed by someone sharing that with me. Makes it sound like they are going in with low expectations rather than being excited about the date. I’d probably still go though.

Mansplainers are the worst. And not great that he’s not asking questions though once there’s a bit of a conversation going I don’t always keep asking questions as sometimes it feels more natural to make statements they might respond to. Persistent lack of questions / interest is a red flag though.

I just matched with a guy who is overseas at the moment and asked about what he was doing there. Got a brief reply but no question back for me. Guess it’s down to me to ask another question then? Sigh.

If someone was talking about exit strategies for a first date I wouldn’t be impressed
I wouldn’t go at all after that .

@Polly1979 I cannot stand women on OLD who cannot ask questions.

Its lazy and rude, and shows that they expect you to do all the work.

@Ilovelurchers i was curious - the men you are currently setting dates up with, was there anything in particular that made you swipe right on these ones and not others?

You should tell Mr Probation that he’s failed his probation period with you and you’re using your exit strategy now. Cheeky fucker!

As for Mr Dark Matter and his mansplaining 🤦🏼‍♀️

What is it with these men?! And yes you’re right, it IS a privilege to get a date with you my love, and please never forget it 🤍

@Ilovelurchers your date with the " exit strategy", i actually dont think that is a bad thing to raise pre date. At least hes showing his awareness in that, ok the date could go well, but equally it could go badly and he is open to that fact, and isnt afraid to broach that, pre date. It brings it all nicely front and centre.

I would. August isn’t far away and not like you’d need to be exclusive day 1. ❤️

I think that’s a bit OTT to be honest Red. You can clearly see that not asking questions comes from both sexes and in all different shapes and sizes.

Yes, it can be seen as rude, self absorbed - probably is - but just shrug and unmatch/stop chatting - and move on.

There’s been quite the discussion on here about questions- sometimes in a long conversation people simply forget to do so, sometimes they aren’t so interested in keeping it going, but might feel they should answer as it’s polite or they’re giving it a chance a bit. Sometimes they have no concept of 2 way and then you know not to keep wasting time.

Please don’t take it personally ever, they don’t actually know you. You’ll meet similar in the wild and learn that’s just people - not a specific demographic of women on dating sites.

Someone tell me NOT to contact Mr Unavailable (my ex/hook up from the 'real world' who I have known a fair while).

No Hinge updates I'm afraid, but swiped a bit last night to keep my idle hands busy.

Also wish there was an 'Eye Roll' emoji available on Mumsnet 😉

Also went to the Antiques Roadshow Sunday up at Dartington hall which is local to where I live. Needless to say I did not come away with any potential future husbands phone numbers 😂.

Will keep getting out socially as much as humanly possible though and saying 'yes' to everything and anything I can. Not just to hook up of course, but for me too. It is so good to get out with friends and feel busy and loved by them, even if Prince Charming doesn't materialise to try that glass slipper on my foot 😉

@Ilovelurchers that would be an immediate bin for me!!

@Becky3825 phone down! Block and delete!

I used to draft texts (still do tbh) send them to myself - I mean I know it’s retaining a false connection in a way, but sometimes it’s enough to get it out of your system and not send to the intended.

Also I’d change their name to eg/ ‘do not contact’ or ‘banker’ - I knew who it was but it gave me just a second’s delay to reconsider- the ‘gap’ as some groups call it.

Thanks for your response and thoughtful comments!

I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone properly for the first time in a club until recently - Mr RedFlagParade! I do love dancing so keep telling myself to go to more events.

Can’t offer stats but will list where I’ve met people in the wild more recently:

• work - by far most common! Also a benefit is you know someone comparatively well before any dating
• out in central London during the day - usually when I’m there I get talking to someone, particularly in food shops sampling stuff
• leisurely cafes, lakeside somewhere - once I met several guys during one Sunday morning coffee, which was funny as they both noticed each other too. People tend to be far more chatty in holiday destinations
• hotels - get chatting to someone in the lift or waiting to check in/ breakfast
• being served in small, quiet shops, like the Taylor’s, car showroom etc. usually the guy takes my details under a professional guise but then proceeds to ask if I’m single. I know it can be creepy but I don’t hugely mind it as long as they can handle a no, because they are datable guys that are clearly passionate about the same thing as me, eg art, fashion…

Thats why I tell myself to leave the house and be in public spaces/ go to events - only got myself to blame for being single!

I also really enjoy human interaction and a bit of flirting, so…

Is there any particular why you think guys at the hobby event are a no-go?

Reminds me to follow up with one of the guys I met at a hobby event last month. While he is too old for me and married, I feel he may have some interesting people in his team…

I think club/pub meets can still happen but back in the day there was more of it - more regular going out for one thing I think.

It was still a thing when I moved to a small village- but that can get a bit like you’re share and share alike - not really for me lol.

Work - definitely, though again maybe harder now with hybrid - no one in my last job and don’t know folk well enough outside my super small team to know of any major get togethers. I met my first husband at work though it was a work night out when we got together- it didn’t end well for work either though. Definitely pre covid in the job I had then I saw lots of folk got together - large offices - think I had a possibility that didn’t quite get there - maybe a bit harder now - I mean less after work dos/drinks in the summer maybe don’t help either.

Holidays - well Mr Situationship found a woman on one of ours, she was away with her sister but I know he saw after the holiday too - as I was also on that holiday that didn’t go so well 👀

Met folk just locally hanging out, but more as teen.

My daughters - one met guys at the gym a lot tbh - but her husband was her neighbour. One was chatted up a few times/approached by the (married) pastor who did her son’s christening 👀 but currently with another fail from OLD. One a successful OLD and one finds them everywhere - pubs, friends, groups, work, locally - maybe it’s a knack? Sadly none have worked for her yet.

My hobby - idk - the ‘events’ are full of folk you meet in passing - which I really enjoy - but not thought about anything much. My own group we go to the pub sometimes but last time I was chatting to a 26 year old with a girlfriend most of the night - I’m 60 haha - idk but I really enjoy it all and don’t think about that - I should think it does happen though - it’s a cause hobby so there’s that in common already.

Right now I’m totally smitten with Mr Tree - OLD one - he’s massively raised my bar on expectations at 60 though so not sure what I’d do next!

Dancing is such fun - and it does have a bit of heat as well so I should think it’s a great place to meet - shame about the Mr RedFlagParade though - they are everywhere unfortunately.

Definitely, get out and about - I try not to turn anything down - I mean there’s not so much to worry about having the time nowadays lol, but I go out/about and to anything interesting me really - I already did and enjoy this it as part of my life anyway. Mr Tree came from OLD though, but probably as I was already happy with my life right now it helped this be good too - maybe.

Hope you get Mr GreenFlagParade soon - but enjoy the interim too.

Could Mr Probation have been joking?

Bin them both x

Make a list of five lovely things to do away from your phone and do them 💐

@CleanShirt Totally agree with the delete/block, but I just can't do it, I am too weak of will with this particular guy!

@MsJinks Regarding the name change thing, I have done this many times, unfortunately, with a fair few of my 'charming' ex's. It never works for me in the short term. I've changed their names to such things as: Toxic Waste/Avoidant Weirdo/Abuser/Cheating Dangerous Lier.... Still, I either contact or respond eventually. Well, I have historically.

After such a long break from dating and relationships with men of any kind I did think I would be able to resist the intoxicating push-me-pull-me, hot and cold dynamic of doom. But apparently not with this one.

I have had a lot of therapy and moved on from all those other bad relationships and now would never reach out, and if certain ex's contacted me, I would either ring the police or just block whatever number they contacted (depending who they were) without a second thought.

But I am also 'over' these past time-wasters. And as you said, this current situation isn't actually dangerous, or abusive... but it is manipulative and he does not want commitment and treats me very carelessly, then love bombs me when we are together, followed by silence...oh the torturous silence. He uses that as a weapon, and after doing the Freedom program as well as having a fair amount of therapy over the past few years on and off, I know how controlling and wrong that is when it is purposeful.

With new matches and potentials now through Hinge I have been able to identify really quickly men who do this or have a lot of the same red flags. I have unmatched at least 5 guys who 2 years ago I wouldn't have.

But it is really hard when a person you connect with on lots of levels, also someone who grew up in the same town as me, so family and friend connections, is there on a plate. He has been in London for last 15 years then moved back last year and that was when we started this dance of insanity.

And I know that what's on a 'plate' now, by next week will probably not be and I'll be staring into the void AGAIN.

Onto the perfect distraction of Hinge. Sigh, I got a message from one of my matches which started entirely normally, but basically ended in him saying he'd like to dominate me sexually and when can he come round to mine. Honest to god FML

I don’t know if I’ve told this story. I changed Mr Situationship’s name once.

Weirdly he phoned my number whilst my phone was face up in front of him - so he could see what I called him - I think he hoped for ‘Prince amongst men’ or hearts etc - at the time it was Shit4Brains 🙈🤣 - I had to own it but he was outraged - he also ruined any guilt I felt by saying it was also a stupid name as he was very much brighter than I am 👀

Feel your pain Becky - with all of it actually! I could have written a lot of this.

Even down to your dominant Hinge match. I get so many BDSM ones. And they often seem to reveal it as if they are offering a special treat that cannot easily be found elsewhere..... As if it wasn't possible to find a dominant man in about 3.5 seconds of one wanted to....

He could have been..... Either way we will never know, as he cancelled the date!

Childcare reasons which is a reasonable excuse to be fair. He offered tomorrow instead, but I supposedly have a date with Mr Painter then, so I said maybe some time next week - I have yet to hear back. And tellingly, I am not remotely disappointed......