The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I don’t think it’ll hurt to keep messaging him, but make sure you don’t put everything else on hold while waiting for him to move to your city. So continue to put the feelers out for other guys and go on dates etc.

I get what you’re saying about the wait though….im sure it’ll be excruciating!

So, my tummy business has resolved and my date with Mr Finance has been rescheduled to Thursday evening. Going into the city centre for a couple of drinks, will only be soft drinks for me though because I’ve to drop my car off for an MOT the next morning before 8am. And plus I’m working the next day! But I’m more than happy with that and so is he 😊

@ForRedShark there is a huge growth in in-person dating events, as people are giving up on the apps. You’ve said you’re in NE England. Have a look in your nearest closest cities for speed dating, meet up events etc etc. In some cities, some of the singles events are even padel.

At the same time - be conscious of what everyone has said here. You’re obsessing far too much on what women’s preferences are, rather than just focusing on being happy in yourself and seeing dating as a way to have a nice conversation with someone. That could lead somewhere, and also couldn’t.

And fwiw I have dated multiple ethnicities, including British Indian (and white, black, East Asian, Arab etc). I’m rarely - actually I think never - attracted to a standard muscly blonde man, who many may think is attractive. You really fundamentally need to understand that everyone is attracted to different people. I think my boyfriend is beautiful - I know my friends don’t see it how I do! Even more importantly he has the nicest, kindest personality at his core that I’ve ever dated.

@CleanShirtOh no there’s nothing like a longer wait 😖

Events are a really good idea for @ForRedShark- but all previous advice stands re women/chat.

That’s just lovely about your guy - beautiful - I happen to think similar of current date - my kids would maybe be surprised- or maybe not as they understand beauty is a personal view.

I am going to add re one of my daughters - always been considered very attractive, great job, loads of make attention since a teen - she’s married to a lovely guy nearly 20 years older - often considered by oblivious others as sugar dad - she actually well out earns him - but they work together so beautifully. Previously, dated Iranian guy, Turkish man, and other varied but never conventionally attractive others - in fact she has no attraction to conventionally attractive guys. It isn’t who you think who’s maybe going to be your own match.

Glad it’s rescheduled - sounds like you’re looking forward to it - hope it’s just a lovely evening.

It's good news he is still keen tho - the drunk text clearly didn't put him off! 🤣 (That was you, wasn't it?).

Fingers crossed he will be worth the wait! Have the comms remained good in the meantime? X

He got a couple over my drunken weekend away 🤦🏻‍♀️ still chatting and hopefully Sunday happens!

Do you know, I wonder this too? As I have a number of irons keen to meet at the moment and it's almost like they are making it too easy? Whereas this one obviously provides a bit of a challenge.... And because my ex was such a challenging character in many ways, I wonder if my nervous system has become a bit addicted to uncertainty and the thrill of the chase? If subconsciously I see easy as boring?

If that's the case, the therapy I have had clearly hasn't been quiet as effective as I hoped! 😱 Something to think about it if......

Just wanted to mention something that just happened that may be of interest to those of you who have been randomly unmatched - I just unmatched an iron completely accidentally! It was on Bumble, and was done in two clumsy keystrokes, and there is literally no way of undoing it (I have googled).

I am not suggesting we all convince ourselves that every unexpected unmatch is an accident! 🤣 But it did make me think. There was one iron, Mr Jewellery, I had agreed a date with, and was particularly surprised when he suddenly unmatched as he had seemed so keen up to that point! It is just possible......

In vino veritas..... It's a great sign that they haven't put him off, I think! If I liked someone, texts like that wouldn't bother me at all & I would probably secretly be quite pleased to get them in fact. Fingers crossed for Sunday! X

I agree @Ilovelurchers and I’ve actively tried to avoid men who blow hot and cold as this type of nervous system dysregulation isn’t helpful to me. I gad that with my ex and I’m not up for that again. But there are some who are just genuinely dull, so it’s a balance.

My irons are depleting as they seem to be exactly the same as Mr Sheep and not free when I am. I have 50% of my time child free yet still only match with men I can’t ever see, it’s getting annoying. Another two local and seemingly lovely ones bite the dust tonight.

It’s a hard one to unpick isn’t it? I have definitely gone for - a bit of uncertainty then fix and win(?!) - whilst I insist internally I don’t want this.

It’s hard to change a baseline default - I have had quite some time to consider stuff and I’m older so it’s easier to look for/want more chilled stuff too now.

I found sorting the basic boundaries helped but they were harsh - no message first, no double message, and sometimes a delay on mine if I were busy, no ask them on dates - quite simple to hold those lines though, especially when I wasn’t so bothered on getting someone - just wondering if I may get a nice night out really!

However, I can dive straight into anxiety with texts but it’s like that’s my baseline - ooh he didn’t set a date - that must mean … what shall I say etc - turns out it’s all actually ok - so fortunately I have managed to stick to my self imposed instruction of only drafting and not sending weird texts haha! though I’m accustomed to his style more now. I do think this relates to past dramatic relationships- it’s like oh this must be happening and this is a challenge I’d best rise to - even though that’s really saying let’s make it worse lol! I wish it had gone - but I think I manage it better at least.

You can still keep in touch and trial the keen ones? I have to own I don’t like creepily keen still - but if they’re averagely do it may be ok.

Aww - if I didn’t care for a drunken text, it would be the person sending it I guess, more than the text, but I’d withdraw - if I liked the person I’d be secretly pleased and not make anything of it, but continue to chat, as Mr Mullett.

Sounds promising - enjoy!

That's so frustrating - though on the plus side at least there are guys out there you like the look of/sound of, so that's something! Now you just need one whose availability tesselates with your own. With 50% of your time available (mine is roughly the same) it's not too hopeless at least - I really feel for those who are trying to date with only a couple of evenings every fortnight free....

I think firm boundaries are a good idea, and I am trying to get better at this - no moving to WhatsApp until I have met them is a good one for example (and was suggested on here) as it enables me to more easily limit the amount of time spent messaging them.

I do wonder about waiting for them to ask me out - the trouble is, in my case that has seemed to lead to lots of open ended chats that don't go anywhere - at least by mentioning a date quite quickly, I seem to be scaring off the ones who are looking for a penpal only, which is helpful.....

Possibly my issues run deeper however - I am starting to wonder whether I am as ready for dating as I thought I was...... Might be worth arranging a one of session with my counsellor (he's really good) to talk it through. I've really noticed how the chat with Mr Dark Matter (the one who won't even be in the UK till end of June) is lighting me up in a way the more readily available guys just don't.....

@duckingclueless so excited for you!

@Ilovelurchers why not wait but don't invest too much time in messaging x

@CleanShirt "on attachment" has some good suggestions for anxiety x

Thanks @Nosdacariad, I'll have a look!

I see nothing wrong in asking them - saves the pen pal too for sure - guess I was a bit burned from Mr Situationship when I did this haha. I decided this time, well from a while ago when I wasn’t even engaging, that they would chase me and then I could be sure they had a flicker of interest - I’m not sure it is ideal but it definitely is just one approach of many.

I hear your ‘light me up’ - it’s strange how it happens just on message - and there’s that one message you’re really looking out for - I’d save my favourite messages to the end of my responses so I could enjoy them lol.

It might be difficult to identify why - he may just give that buzz after all - but if you’re wondering then I think a chat with the counsellor to help unpick would be great.

@UmberSheep @MsJinks I have thought about signing up to a dating event, although i am nervous about being rejected in person. Being ignored online is one thing, being ignored at a dating event, in front of other men, is something else. Thanks for the idea though,ill keep researching.

You say you have dated many different men, from diverse ethnicities, as has your daughter? Id like to think that could be possible up here in the NE.

It happened again today. About 60 swipes across 3 apps and no matches. I know i need to step away from them, but part of me doesnt want to give up, unless i know its truly Game Over.

@Ilovelurchers is it because maybe you think your other irons are " too nice" whereas this guy is a bit more " bad boy"?

And also @MsJinks yes looking forward to it! And the messages have been going back and forward quite nicely since I had to cancel 🙈 We had a chat on the phone earlier too, for about an hour.

This sounds promising, he obviously took the drunken texts in good jest 😁 we’ve all done it…I know I have! I’m sure Sunday will happen!

I expect the vast majority of people who go to dating events come away without a match but it’s more about putting yourself out there. You’ll see that the other guys aren’t all Adonis types and it’s probably a real mix of men and women.

I think most men are more concerned with finding matches themselves than worrying about whether you are getting any or not.

I did speed dating a few months ago and nothing came of it but I went in with low expectations and it was fun to actually meet and chat with people. Me and a friend are planning to try a singles night next as I prefer the idea of meeting someone that way than via OLD.

I will keep on with the swiping too though - if it’s a numbers game then I’m hoping exploring multiple avenues increases the chances!