The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It felt like an overstep to me.

I expect it was wine related.

@Midnight19

That is true, they are talking to others, I am talking to others, and then from both sides investing becomes 'watered down'. I will stick with Hinge, I need something 'adult' and just for me in my life and I am definitely much more secure in myself and my boundries. I honestly don't even care really if I get unmatched randomly. I am really positive about it tbh, just think 'they were wrong for me then'. And when thats happened the chat has always gone stale anyway so they probably are assuming rightly I don't give a shit lol

I replied nicely and told her he had pics to share.

He gave shocked emoji and then told me that was very her...

@Midnight19 also to add, If a man who I was chatting to on hinge mentioned crochet i'd be thrilled! People who knit and crochet are mindful, intelligent and frankly incredibly cool in my book :-)

Any advice on the batty ex?
I will tell him it was an overstep

@Nosdacariad

Kind of hard one isn't it? Because you don't want to get embroiled in something/make something of it to much and then it becomes an even bigger 'thing'. Obviously this is all her fault and is just such a NO behaviour-wise when it comes to inserting herself into a friend's relationship, especially such a new one.

I think i'd talk to him and make sure when he says it wasnt really appropriate to her to keep your name out of it so she knows its him who is setting the boundaries. Then moving forward he can flag things that she will inevitably do and you won't hopefully have to be any kind of part of it other then to say, oh i got another odd/random message?

Also I did forget she was an ex too. Honestly you must be like 'Just go away ffs'.
But I do think from the sounds of the way he is that it will become something you will both maybe laugh at in future? kind of like, oh her again being a bit jealous, a bit overstepping...like she is just making a bit of a tit of herself and you both can roll your eyes? He does really sounds like one of the good ones

Fack it, for once i've made the first move and messaged Mr Piano on Hinge.

Going to tackle the washing and hide my phone for an hour or so, but of course will report back if, post that, I hear anything of merit from him

That certainly is an achievement- wow - I had 4 daughters - sometimes they grew out of their clothes whilst they were on my ironing pile 🙈🤣 - honestly!

I always think I have 2 life CVs - one I brought 4 decent adults up, own place, got a degree, had pretty good jobs, have interests - then there’s the bad East Enders script one - 2 failed marriages, refuges, homeless, chaotic relationships- but do be confident in your excellent CV - it’s real.

With my poor cv I try to upgrade the view of it - as in I am quite open about being in a refuge - as I refuse to be shamed about it, not my bad behaviour, and I really want people to know that’s like an ok thing to do, hopefully not common, but like get it out there it happens, you can look for help, you are not in the wrong - if that makes sense - so I try to reshape that bit of my experience I guess - it is forever ago with no power left so that’s a fortunate place for me to do this. But be proud you escaped this- whether you ever share or not - and either is very valid and either may change over time.

The pick me - I only gave up after excruciatingly embarrassing stuff lol - but honestly I don’t think my heart would have settled till I’d taken it that far - I just couldn’t lay it to rest - probably bad previous patterns - but in all cases never forget it’s the guys who were and are proper dicks/bastards - you just have a big heart and they don’t realise how special that is.

These guys definitely play on it for their short term needs - I’ve had those pull you back texts, dates and heard ‘it’s only you’ so I continued to deny the reality he had several women - and that is actually very poor of them not us.

I tell my kids/ others not to join in the dance - but sometimes it’s just too late to stop. I do think everyone has a personal end point - both with violent and non violent partners - may all have a different stop point - but once that is breached it’s game over and you can work through it and it then gets easier with time. You will find yours - don’t worry too much - it’s dire in the meantime I know - 💐 but do some nice things for you unrelated to anyone else at all.

I don’t have all the answers btw - I’m now hooked on Mr Tree but in a better way than anyone before - I’m accepting it’s just nice, no dramatic texts or dates, but great chemistry still so there’s that lol - he’s no red flags that I’ve hunted down yet! - but I do think I’m just very lucky but I think he thinks he is too so there’s that as an ego boost. Whilst I am more rational and reasonable all round with him and more than content with what I have today - I can also still be prone to actively searching in my head for when it may die - or if he doesn’t really like me as the quiet of it all, which I love, makes me wonder why it’s not high octane and dramatic - I only let my thoughts impact text anxiety - but my god that’s real lol. And I’m now 60 🙈

You will get there - you showed that with the washing 😳 - amazing!

Patio? Ha.

So trouble with these type of folk they get away with wildly inappropriate behaviour as folk go ‘oh it’s just John/Jane’.

My eldest kids had a long term friend once, whose behaviour around their fellas (and others’ fellas) was startlingly inappropriate despite later being also married herself - I couldn’t credit what I heard! It was all ‘oh it’s just Jane’ until a dramatic fallout did in the end happen. I guess myself she has some real issues, but it didn’t excuse it.

These are women too - I find guys are much more tempted to show such tolerance - saves any awkward conversations- those they absolutely dread. They hope it just goes away really.

So it’s how to handle that I think that’s the potential difficulty - can you frame it as if your ex messaged him for photos - what would he think and what would he want to happen?

Absolutely tell him it’s not appropriate- from anyone really except his mum naybe wanting photos? lol. Maybe say that his ex might not understand social cues, so it would be kindest if he tells her before she gets in bother from someone less cool than you?

Best of luck with it.

I actually wonder if the reason for the message was he had gone out for lunch with a female friend and she thought she would casually drop him in it.

He had told me though.

Ahh - strange or maybe less so actually- she sounds like she wants his availability for herself - whether as just a friend or not I’m not sure.

I’d add in she’s a shit stirrer then, not just inappropriate.

And to add to that delightful cocktail regularly (weekly) drinks so much she can't remember what she has done.

I would call that alcoholic.

She sounds delightful - maybe ask him why he is friends with ‘an alcoholic, shit stirring, relationship wrecker’ and what she actually brings to the friendship table? Ha!

Oh my ex’s female ‘best friend’ was also an alcoholic (apparently) . That’s why I was kicked out of his house every Sunday morning so he could ‘go check she hadn’t drank herself to death’

@Nosdacariad I think what you’ve done so far is fine, but I’d say it’s now down to Mr Planes to set some boundaries to stop his ex affecting your relationship. It’ll be interesting to see whether he does this and and indicator of how he feels about you. I do hope he does.

@TheThingOnTheIce Exes can be tricky to get over. I was 9 months into NC last year and doing really well when I bumped into mine. We were perfectly pleasant to each other but also so annoying to hear him rewriting the narrative to paint himself as innocent, and me leaving him due to his crappy behaviour being a mutual decision. I must admit that set me back a bit, but time does help. Distractions do as well so best of luck 🤞

Ive cancelled my date with Mr Sheep. Not least because he’s alternating between love bombing with so many messages, clear future faking then goes silent for 24 hours having supposedly lost his phone? It’s a bit much for someone I’d only ever see one night a week. I’ve also realised I’ve no interest in being a step parent to his younger DC’s. I’ve done my time. Got some new matches on Tinder though.

You and I must share an ex.

@Becky3825@Ilovelurchers i wanted to ask, do you randomly unmatch anyone, or is it usually due to a good reason?

I keep getting randomly unmatched when in mid conversation and i feel i havent done anything to put the woman off.

Feels your pain. That’s very me. 😤

I’m not either lol. The site I used didn’t rely on matches/unmatches but I would stop chatting:
a/ conversation was dragging - eg/ how are you, how are you today, how’s it going - only so many times you can answer that, and if I thought I might like them I’d add questions/jokes to my response - no reciprocal stuff then stop.
b/ find you have a fundamental difference eg/ going counter protesting had to be somehow slid into my messages as it really upsets some folk - but any hint of isms and I’d be out - this will vary on values obviously.
c/ start talking about sex - no need mate, we all know what an adult relationship entails.
d/ indicators of jealousy, male toxicity.
e/ finding they have more photos I hadn’t seen and having a real dislike - eg/ top half naked selfie, 3 akitas, holding a giant fish
f/ no sense of humour, or very different to mine. Too serious and staid or whiny.

I thought I was going to put just a couple of ideas - but actually I’ve missed some out when I started thinking! But Maybe it’s difficult to identify precisely as it’s just if it’s not bouncing a bit for me - with a bit of fun, as in haha fun, not sex fun - though a myriad of reasons why that might be.

I saw further back you said you tell girls in messages you like boots - uh huh - no - just no - you like a friendly, happy, interesting lady - ok! lol.

Do try mixing more in the wild - conversations flow or don’t there, whether relationship/friend/colleague - and this should be mirrored in dating really - it’s not a completely distinct world.

We’ve all been there - it will be ok @CleanShirt- it is his loss after all.

Have been on an activity weekend. Boy does this thread move quickly! So much activity! Successfully blocked and stuck to blocking Mr Situationship. Been great for my headspace. Especially being away from home. If I was home I’d be half hoping that he would knock on the front door. Mr Holiday Horns consistently chatting and the date is Wednesday. It’s been mentioned drink, meal. I refuse to push. He’ll have to at least give me a specific time sooner or later! But pretty confident that it’s happening. 🤞

She sounds bloody weird to be honest - have you blocked her? I would be tempted to if I were you. Really Planes needs to have a word, and tell her to reign it in.

I'm feeling a bit despondent about the whole thing today to be honest, and wondering if I need a bit of a break from it.

On reflection I don't think I can face another date with Mr Speedy, just listening to him banging on about himself - plus there was a degree of toxicity about his ex-wife that wasn't great. I mean, fair enough, if the stuff he told me was true she is bat-shit and quite evil - but was it true? Was it really?

I've got a few more dates coming up, owing to my new strategy of suggesting a date almost immediately, but I don't really feel particularly excited about any of them, to be honest - feels a bit like I am scraping the barrel, horrible as that sounds.

I guess it could be that I am just not ready to move on from my ex yet. Maybe I am subconsciously comparing everyone to him, and they are all coming up short....

I was wondering about a change of app - does anyone find any discernible differences between them? I'm on Bumble at the moment.