The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I have a date! Mr Nature Man came through in the end and I’m seeing him on Saturday. In his profile he says he never misses a date so we will see. Meanwhile Mr Concrete has gone quiet. I started chatting to Mr Salsa and we were getting on well I thought but now he’s gone quiet.

Exciting news with Nature Man! What kind of date is it?

I have done this occasionally and it does garner some interest.... But in my case the majority of that interest seems to be from men who are already married/in relationships....

I have reconnected with a couple of "suitable" guys through social media in the past, to be fair. So I do think it's worth a try!

Well done @Midnight19

So ✈️🛩 ex-now-friend (?) messaged me last night which was a bold choice, must have gone through his fb friends...nothing horrible, but still...a choice.

What did she say?

@Ilovelurchersmr nature has invited me to a coffee and walk date. If the weather is nice he’s suggesting a picnic. It’s west coast Scotland so likely to be raining.

Chat about what we had been doing and could she have a photo of it ?!

Well that’s bloody weird

I agree!

@Nosdacariad That is not normal behavior on her part and really is overstepping, like what business is it of hers?

My matches, who I haven't named as non have resulted in meeting yet, are all still sending occasional messages but no talk of a date or meeting in the real world. One is a private chef and very busy to be fair but we have been matched for three weeks now.

The other two It has been just over a week so not a long time as such but effort and energy is low, but to be fair mine is pretty similar. That is definitely because I am mirroring theirs. These days if someone is not making much effort I just get 'turned off' by it and lose interest myself

@Nosdacariadoh that’s strange behaviour. How did you manage that?

Hi all - so much to catch up on - love the updates. I can’t though match everyone to their iron in a message as I’m a real Luddite, and did a kind of key swap game last time I tried! But good luck to all having new dates/2nd dates - I think 2nd is a real test of definitely liking/not feeling it as first date can be a bit tense (or beer / excitement goggles!) - only time I have tried this though, as far as I recall, has unfortunately resulted in ‘ewww nooo’ but that’s as first guy, yonks back, drove up my street in a souped up Subaru that was beyond embarrassing and I was trying to dive into his bucket seats without anyone seeing ha. Last one wanted to just lay on my bed awake and watch me sleep - as that’s not creepy is it! But I’d known from get go of no. 2 date - maybe if he’d been a goer we wouldn’t have got to that very awkward conversation ha!

For those not having best OLD experience today - you all deserve the best and the universe is waiting for that for you - I have a ream of funny stories - but when it got to be depressing stories I’d leave the sites.

Re social media - I’m 60 and only had one strange person accost my inbox - a while back. But my kids now between 32 and 40 have definitely found fellas this way - baffled me how at first, but it’s a different and quite common way of connecting nowadays - obviously with more locked down accounts today it’s less likely to be complete randomers but friends of friends are definitely possible.

Mr Tree is still pretty much perfect to me - so that’s my update ha - we do mix up texts still but that’s more ok now too. It’s around 6-7 weeks which is not nothing but equally not fully something but definitely struck lucky and really enjoying the time. For data trackers of how it worked - half I don’t know just an instant high buzz - but half I’d say I am probably the most content I’ve been looking at all than before - I’m happy with my life, counter protests stuff, kids/grandkids, work - so anyone would be a bonus to that hopefully. I mean I know I’m at a fortunate age where direct caring has gone, I’m lucky not to have stressful situations (too old to wear them ha) so I start from a fortunate place - but I do think happy with self is key. I’m a bit overweight of the old age type which did trouble me a bit at first as used to have a better figure but currently I own it - I’m not repulsive but have wrinkles etc - but I’m ok with that too - I sound almost up myself - it’s been a long process to get here in some ways but if you do grab the chance of going on OLD whilst life runs smooth and you’re happy then take it. I’ve missed those chances before and gone on when I was more keen to get a partner just because, or wanted validation as my life was a bit carp - no great outcomes - though not always the worst either.

That’s not creepy though is it! How very, very odd of her - is she an odd person socially who may want to put a pic on his birthday card if you? Or get a photo and frame? I mean that’d be odd but a specific odd.
I include that as if she’s just well invested, stalker, checking out his lady - that’s also super creepy and odd with no social cue failure excuse.

I can’t think of a good reason - what did you say? What did Mr Planes say?

@Becky3825what’s the quality of the chat. Is it infrequent and basic how are you, what you up to or full on then nothing and basic chat then it’s hard to get momentum or be bothered. Maybe show more interest once and see how they respond. They might be mirroring you and you’ve got stalemate. On the other hand I think there are lots that like the attention but won’t move to a proper date. It’s frustrating isn’t it.

How long are you ok to wait? I had low time on apps last time and would message just once a day or even every other at first. So it took a while to get to a date.

But the energy had to be there to keep messaging or I’d lose the will ha. I think that’s key really - though some professional OLD I guess just like messaging to feel like they have women in an inbox but can’t make a date happen.

Its a weird place OLD - but you deserve the right and decent guy and you will get there.

Thanks @Midnight19 and @MsJinks

Yes the chat flows for a few days then I get busy or distracted by the kids and life generally. I think the same happens to them really, though one I do suspect is looking for much more of a casual hook up and probably is making way less effort because he knows I am not. I did have a few more irons but unmatched as we both just stopped messaging, these were also from 3 weeks ago.

Definitely do think you're right, though, about my energy rubbing off on them @MsJinks too. I still hold a flame from a situationship I had late last year that keeps rearing its head every few weeks/months. I always cave and meet up and we have all of the sex and fun times for 24 hours. Then i leave and the stonewalling from him begins anew.

On a positive I matched yesterday with someone who lives in my same small town. I will call him Mr Piano

@Midnight19

The quality of the chat is really good for the first 12/24 hours. Then its like we both wake up the next day and can't be bothered!. Then I'll swipe a bit the following days, match with a guy or two and the same pattern repeats itself.

Probably a lot to do with me being hung up of this historical hook up tbh too. But I do feel very much like I want to date, and I'm not pining and moping around about this ex. I don't know, I also think they see my pictures and fancy me then when I talk they realise that with the kids, my knitting and radio 4, I am quite settled and boring and my responsibilities generally do not float their boat in the same way my face and body does in the pictures!

Sounds a bit weird @Nosdacariad what did Planes say about it?

Also this ex i've been hooking up with then not seeing for weeks or months is a different one obviously from the violent mentalist from a few years back

Well folks I downloaded Hinge again on Saturday
haven’t interacted with anyone yet
I really can’t be arsed with this but I also don’t want to spend my life alone
still so incredibly pissed off with my ex after 9 months of nc

Well my date yesterday with Mr Finance didn’t happen because I was up all night on Saturday with a dodgy stomach, and was sick yesterday 😞 He was actually very understanding about it but I still feel a bit bad. We’ve exchanged a couple of messages last night and this morning, hoping the momentum hasn’t been lost!

I’ve had different to my forever ago mentalist husbands - but often only as in no they weren’t actually violent mentalists, but then again they were users just on a different level.

This level seemed quite amazing to start - like I’d stepped right on up haha - but later became apparent they were players/bit of a dick. I was well hooked on one - couldn’t believe I’d landed him - I joined in pick me dances and tried to ‘win’ and sometimes achieved the booby prize you actually win and sometimes not. Idk if he knew he could be careless like that with me deliberately, or if I just didn’t recognise healthy patterns - I mean some of the times were really good - I had to fully no contact for around 9 months or more to get past him and still probably in a bit of a danger zone past tgat - we lived locally so always chance of bumping into him plus he loved just dropping texts to exes anyhow. In some ways this was harder than the straightforward yeah he’s a really bad choice.

Dont be hard on yourself for this ex - you’ve survived so much and done amazingly with kids and nursing - it’s natural it’s so exciting when you think you’ve met a decent guy.

Re dating sites - I couldn’t get into them whilst hung up on this player - everyone was a ‘no’ - I even got to the best first date I ever had (till now lol) with one guy and then binned as hankering after mr player - I guess I just had to get past it. This too is a long time ago but I don’t forget him either though I see him on fb at times (mutual friends) and do think ugh why did I chase lol! But it took longer than it should to get there.

You’ll know when you’re interested - it may be a surprise when it happens -but you’ll definitely get there - be proud of who you are, what you’ve already achieved in Gard circumstances, but also be confident this too will happen.

@MsJinks

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all this. It really resonates with me, especially what you said about how much harder it can be to get over someone who wasn't obviously terrible but still wasn't actually right for you at all! The way you described getting caught up in trying to "win" someone and ending up with the booby prize, it is painful to admit but I have, still am, caught up in playing that 'game'.

It helps so much to hear from someone who's been through something similar and reading about your experience with the player, and how long it took to get past him, has made me feel a lot less alone in my situation.

Thank you too for your kind words about everything else in my life. Sometimes it's easier to focus on what hasn't worked out than on what I've actually managed to get through and achieve. Being reminded about that today is so lovely and positive for me, might even make me put all the kids washing away. That's an achievement @MsJinks , I have to feel pretty damn good about myself and motivated to tackle that mammoth task! (5 girls/women in one house this end!)

@Becky3825I think timing plays a big part. Everyone is likely chatting to more than one person and I must admit sometimes I’m more invested in one person. So I guess that probably happens back hence the long chats and then nothing. Mr Salsa probably thought I was boring as I mentioned my crochet 🤣. To be fair I only started talking to him, after he liked me, to say I was no dancer and he mentioned Saturday night dancing in his profile.